How to cope with complete cut off

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Happy new year to all. It has only been a few weeks since my break up. I myself never wanted the relationship to end. But after a terrible rage, my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend blocked all form of communication with me. And that's the hard part. After everything, any attempt I make to communicate is just blocked. I know it is not a reflection on me. But it is slowly killing me not to be able to talk. I know I shouldn't say this, but it feels like my ex is being evil. How do you get through this? I have never had a break up like this. Was the relationship just a figment? I feel so lost right now. Even just sending a happy new year message leads to me being blocked. I know there is nothing I can do but pick myself up and move on, but l feel so depressed right now. To give everything and to end up kicked to the ground is horrible.

[K.G.]

Happy new year to all. It has only been a few weeks since my break up. I myself never wanted the relationship to end. But after a terrible rage, my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend blocked all form of communication with me. And that's the hard part. After everything, any attempt I make to communicate is just blocked. I know it is not a reflection on me. But it is slowly killing me not to be able to talk. I know I shouldn't say this, but it feels like my ex is being evil. How do you get through this? I have never had a break up like this. Was the relationship just a figment? I feel so lost right now. Even just sending a happy new year message leads to me being blocked. I know there is nothing I can do but pick myself up and move on, but l feel so depressed right now. To give everything and to end up kicked to the ground is horrible.

[rosesarered777]

It feels harsh because it is abnormal. I have been dumped by the same person multiple times and it seems like as long as they have someone who worships them, they don't care if the person is their inferior.


This comes from 7 years of on-off BS. Find someone who is willing to commit 100%.

[gotbushels]

Hi K.G. 

Happy new year!

A breakup with a pwBPD can be difficult. They are more difficult when they happen during something that looks like a pwBPD episode or dysregulation. It is difficult for the non to find peace from such a breakup. Sadly, I think many of the "repeated breakups" that characterise these relationships happen from these dysregulations.

You're right, the other person's behaviour is not necessarily a reflection of your character. I recognise that it can feel more and more hurtful when more time passes from this sort of breakup. This can sometimes cause us to feel more and more that this ex partner is "evil". Rather than dwelling on what you should and should not feel, I encourage you to explore letting yourself feel what you want to. Then exploring steps from there.

I think most of us here don't experience breakups like this from relationships with "normal" people. So you are aren't alone. I hope to hear more of your story.

I encourage you to have a look at the steps on the right sidebar. For you here, exploring acknowledgement of what you truly want (e.g., a relationship with a good person vs this specific person) may help you to release and grow.

[CooperD]

Hi K.G

I know exactly were you're coming from and how horrible it feels to be just cut dead like that.  Its the worst experience ive ever had.

I dont know if you read my story but my wife was taking time out in the US and told me she was going to return to the UK to work on our marriage.  She did return to the UK and within an hour of arriving dropped divorce papers on me with a big smile on her face and champagne in her hand and then flew back to the US the next day.  She severed all contact with me and then threated me with harrasment/stalking and contacting my job if i so dared contact her.  After 5 years of speaking to someone everyday to be just cut is beyond words and feels so cruel/sadistic.

What I would say to you is to do everything to focus on yourself and move the focus from the BPD.  i was going to the gym twice a day / sleeping tablets at night / playing the guitar like crazy - anything to distract myself.  

I made the mistake of looking at her social media profiles and so do not do this - it does nothing other than take you right back to the beginning.

From previous posts I made when I was dealing with this it seems there is a mixed bag in terms of whether the BPD ever reaches out again.

In my case I was certain I would never hear from her again yet low and behold on the 26th Decemeber I receivied a telephone call from her and multiple emails since.  Thank god for this forum because my BPDs behaviour is almost text book.

Keep strong

[Monty]

Hey K.G., you probably won't want to hear this, but he's giving you a huge gift by blocking you. The desire to reconnect with him in hopes of fixing the relationship or, at the very least, finding some closure is overwhelming. It's so strong that we even lie to ourselves and say things like, "I know the relationship is over, I just want to check on him to see how he's doing." We can come up with a million reasons for wanting to talk with them but, in the end, the underlying motive is always the same. We just want the pain to stop and it will the very second you get a text or phone call from him. Unfortunately, that will only be a very short reprieve.

Sadly, many here have been dumped and reeled in again and again, each time experiencing the same pain and sense of loss. Making it worse, we become emotionally weaker as a result of the destructive relationship, which makes it even more difficult to endure each successive breakup.

Because you are currently being blocked, perhaps you can take this opportunity to catch your breath, regain your focus to some extent, and do some more reading and research on BPD traits (him) and caretaker traits (possibly you). I also found some of the self-help books on getting through "normal" relationship breakups very helpful.

I'm sorry for what you are having to go through. You've got a big mountain to climb but being here will really help. As is often advised on these boards, "just keep reading and posting" and hang in there. --Monty

[K.G.]

I just want to check on him to see how he's doing." We can come up with a million reasons for wanting to talk with them but, in the end, the underlying motive is always the same. We just want the pain to stop and it will the very second you get a text or phone call from him. Unfortunately, that will only be a very short reprieve.

You are right about this. Every time we have fought and I have tried endlessly to communicate and reconnect with him, the moment he responds I feel a huge sense of relief and the pain stops. Thanks for this comment. It is just so hard because I have never been blocked before or treated in this manner. And I keep thinking, where is the man who I have known? But it seems he was never there in the first place. I am getting to understand BPD traits and to realise that these relationships can never work unless the person takes some responsibility. Thank you for your comments. I think it is quite raw because it is new year and a time for reflection.

[Monty]

It sounds like you are already gaining some healthy perspectives and insights K.G. That's worth a pat on the back. Unfortunately, those perspectives and insights won't help alleviate the hurt you are feeling right now. I remember how unbearable it seemed. I didn't think it would ever stop. I felt weak and ashamed and angry and I couldn't stop obsessing on her and our relationship, which only kept the pain alive.

Here's the good news. It will stop. Not as soon as you would like but, little by little, it will definitely stop one day. For me, it was a very slow and subtle process and I could hardly notice it changing at all, which was very frustrating. The biggest turning point personally was counseling. My counselor helped me shift my focus from her and our relationship to me. I slowly started working to become a better person. I hadn't realized how much of myself I had lost in the relationship--my dignity, self respect, pride, etc. Once I started to regain those, I felt stronger and began to take back control of my own life.

Have you thought about counseling and, if so, is it an option for you?

[K.G.]

Have you thought about counseling and, if so, is it an option for you?

Yes, it is an option. I have to do some research to find someone. I have been cut up about break ups before, but being able to talk to an ex partner and to rationalise things is so important. Having this stripped away by silent treatment is horrible. How to make sense of things is what I am struggling with at the moment.

Before I met my ex, I had never even heard of these personality disorders. Now I have become obsessive reading up as much as I can to understand the behaviour.

I am beginning to feel that with my ex I was not someone he loved, but someone who he could possess to make him feel better. And so, as I have triggered his anger, it has been easy for him to let go without a second thought. Still I cannot stop missing and wanting to talk to him.

Thank you for your insights. This helps enormously and I am sorry for everything that you have been through. I long for the day of being with someone who I am not scared will explode because I forgot something or because the sky is blue.

[Monty]

Like you K.G., I had not heard of BPD either and became obsessed with learning about it. Unfortunately, what I eventually realized was that the main reason I wanted to know more about the disorder was so that I might figure out a way to gain my ex back and then, armed with new knowledge, make our relationship work this time around. It seemed so reasonable and rational (and caring and loving) at that time. Looking back now, it was nothing more than a fantasy and a desperate attempt to maintain my savior status. I wanted to be her hero and protect her from all the pain she was going through, which sounds noble on the surface but, as I would later learn, was actually selfish and completely self serving.

Take a look at the video below. Skip posted it under the Book Club. The speaker is accurately describing me back then and, to some degree, me today as I'm still struggling with these tendencies but to a much lesser extent).

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yoiOoDe6-_w

[K.G.]

Like you K.G., I had not heard of BPD either and became obsessed with learning about it. Unfortunately, what I eventually realized was that the main reason I wanted to know more about the disorder was so that I might figure out a way to gain my ex back and then, armed with new knowledge, make our relationship work this time around. It seemed so reasonable and rational (and caring and loving) at that time. Looking back now, it was nothing more than a fantasy and a desperate attempt to maintain my savior status. I wanted to be her hero and protect her from all the pain she was going through, which sounds noble on the surface but, as I would later learn, was actually selfish and completely self serving.

I too have thought that armed with knowledge I could help him. I thought with love and support I could help him and he would realise that he could trust me and that I would not hurt him. I know that the last outburst from him was a matter of not trusting me and not feeling that I was giving him enough. However, why is that this is 'selfish and completely self-serving'? If you want a relationship to work there has to be understanding? The issue for me is not the motive (is it for him or is it for me or is it for us?) the problem is the illusion. If I learn how to respond properly, if I don't say this, that or the other, if I take account of this, that or the other, everything will be okay? What I am reading from the really useful posts here is that it is a constant battle with these types of relationships. If I were talking about a parent or a child maybe the effort would be necessary, but should I put the effort for a man who I would have to do everything for and could leave me at any time (and this is the fourth time of throwing me aside)? Eventually, how will my emotions be? I read a post from someone who said 'I really don't care about her problems anymore, I just want it all to go away... .' (and I really don't want to get to that point).

I am learning a lot from the posts here! Thank you so much for your replies and the links. I am going to keep reading and learning for my own sanity ... .

[Monty]

All excellent questions K.G. I wish I had answers to each of them, for you and myself.

As for the one about selfishness, it's a little like the joke about the boy scout helping the little old lady across the street. He thinks he's done a good deed until he finds out that she really didn't want to cross the street. Our exes are the same. We keep helping them because it makes us feel good as human beings to help others, especially those we love. We want them to have loving, caring relationships with us whether or not they are even capable of having such a relationship. We are attempting to make them live the wonderful relationship we believe they need when their brains don't want to do that, even though we believe it would be best for them. Yes, they helped us create this fantasy relationship that we now desire but they are far from being able to maintain that type of relationship, if ever.

To me, that's what made my actions selfish. I wanted to have my dream relationship with my ex but she didn't or was not capable. It's not selfish to do something good for someone but it is selfish when we want to do something good for someone mostly as a means of getting our needs met. That's my two-cents worth.

Back to you, I really like the questions you're asking and the thinking you're doing. I see evidence of progress. What did you think of the caretaker video? Did you see any of yourself in the description? I sure saw myself. I believe it describes not all but many of us here.

[michel71]

Think of it like a heroin addiction. You are abruptly cut off and are going through withdrawals. It is making you sick and crazy. If only you could get a little dose to stop feeling the pain... .

[mevz]

Hi K.G,

I hear you... .completely! Your reply on my post yesterday made me want to discover your story and here I am. We really are the same.

I now realize that he could have turned me black anytime in our 1.5 year relationship, but looking back, each time it was me taking the first step back, trivializing the fights and being a couple. He filled a void in me and I was ready to overlook or even be in denial of his bad behavior. When it was good, it was heaven, and in my mind, when it was bad, it was still worth the drama. It was finally when I refused one of his compulsions that he dropped me and for once my pride stopped me from trying to get him back. Our relationship was already almost over and he had introduced a "back up female friend" which he justified in his usual way and I tried to accept.

Nearing the end, I even told him that he had BPD and he needed to get help, but I'm pretty sure he didn't even hear me. Like you, I began obsessively reading up on it and being shocked at how much was written about the life I was living. That's when I discovered the term "codependent" and am so glad I did. And I'm almost certain you are codependent like me too. I have started reading "Codependency for Dummies" and working on this issue with my therapist. For the first 5-6 sessions, she let me talk about him, discuss BPD and try to understand his behavior. But now she is turning the focus toward me and how to not fall into such a trap again. Please do start seeing a therapist, I can't tell you how much perspective that brings.

I am beginning to feel that with my ex I was not someone he loved, but someone who he could possess to make him feel better

That's exactly what i need to start believing. I know now if we did get married, my life would get worse and worse. A week into our relationship, he lost it and yelled at me like I'd never been yelled at before and hung up the phone. I stared it it in shock, realizing right then that I would not put up with such behavior. Almost 30 seconds later, he called back and apologized and melted my heart because I thought he's different from other guys, he realizes his mistake. At that time I didn't realize it was because he just couldn't walk away from a fight. We have spent hours fighting face to face, when a little space could have resolved the issue for normal people. But not for us. If I ever tried to walk away from a fight, he wouldn't think anything of yelling at me in public so i started never walking away to save myself the public humiliation. It was our routine, one I came to accept.

So many things we accept as the normal battles of a relationship, not realizing that healthy relationships are not supposed to be like that. Our codependency forces us to bend over backwards for this "perfect love," that we imagine we are experiencing.

The problem I am having now is as time goes by, the bad moments are fading and I keep focusing on the good stuff and that's the danger.

I hope we both will be able to maintain NC and move on and find a "normal" relationship soon.

[K.G.]

Thanks Mevz. In essence, all we are doing is trying to cope with a broken relationship. Sometimes I feel it really doesn't matter whether our former partners have BPD or not. They were still in our lives and we have to deal with the wounds and misery of the absence and loneliness. I also think of the good times and would love to have just another day with my ex. And I know that it is the least healthiest way to think. But he was in my life, we shared so much, and now he is not around. THE BPD might help me to understand why it all fell apart and to make sense of the the bad behaviour, but it does not help me to overcome the loss. That still can only be done through the regular way - time and moving on.

[gotbushels]

I liked your post a lot. It's very true that understanding BPD helps us to understand our relationship, but may not help us to overcome the loss.

Thank you.