Dealing with Elderly BPD Parents

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I am posting to find out how other adult children of BPD parents (in particular mothers) are dealing and coping with their elderly BPD parents who continue to be abusive and dysfunctional. I recently went no contact with my 94 year old mother whose last rant over the phone was the last and final thing I could tolerate. As a 60 year old woman, she told me, "She could have loved me MORE if I had lived closer to her." Funny, she did everything she could to 'get rid of me,' including telling me at 10 years old that ":)addy wanted her to have an abortion." I am relieved to not speak to her. Although now looking back at what appears to be a lifetime of her BPD behaviors, manipulations, destroying the relationship with my sibling, and my father, the loss, deprivation,  and emptiness that I feel is the loss of not having a loving mother. Any thoughts on overcoming this deep sense of loss? Will it ever end?
ArtLover

[luvart]

Hello,
I am posting to find out how other adult children of BPD parents (in particular mothers) are dealing and coping with their elderly BPD parents who continue to be abusive and dysfunctional. I recently went no contact with my 94 year old mother whose last rant over the phone was the last and final thing I could tolerate. As a 60 year old woman, she told me, "She could have loved me MORE if I had lived closer to her." Funny, she did everything she could to 'get rid of me,' including telling me at 10 years old that ":)addy wanted her to have an abortion." I am relieved to not speak to her. Although now looking back at what appears to be a lifetime of her BPD behaviors, manipulations, destroying the relationship with my sibling, and my father, the loss, deprivation,  and emptiness that I feel is the loss of not having a loving mother. Any thoughts on overcoming this deep sense of loss? Will it ever end?
ArtLover

[Kwamina]

Hi luvart and welcome to our online community

I too have an elderly (undiagnosed) BPD mother, though not as old as your mother, mine is in her late seventies. I am sorry your mother is still being verbally abusive to you. Being abused is very unpleasant and I can understand why you would take steps to distance yourself from that type of behavior.

she did everything she could to 'get rid of me,' including telling me at 10 years old that ":)addy wanted her to have an abortion."

This was a very hurtful comment she made to you. Did she often make remarks like this?

That deep sense of loss is something many of our members have experienced as they start to accept the reality of their BPD parent. That acceptance is hard because it requires letting go of the loving fantasy parent we never had, yet deep inside might still long for very much. To help you deal with this sense of loss, it might help to take a look at this thread: Grieving Our Losses

You mention your mother destroying the relationship you had with your sibling and father. Were you able to mend those relationships in your adult life?

[Notwendy]

Hi luvart-

I think the grief over not having a loving mother is something common to many of us. A grief like this is tough-but not something insurmountable. Counseling ,and groups like ACA speak of "reparenting ourselves" and the idea of comforting and soothing our inner child.

I have an elderly mother who has said some cruel things to me. While there are issues related to the elder years, this behavior- as you know-isn't new. She said these kinds of things when she was young too.

I hope you will spend some time learning about BPD. PwBPD can say and do some very hurtful things. I think it helps to understand the idea of projection- that often these things are more about them, and nothing to do with you.  Another idea is that feelings feel like facts to them. They can be angry in the moment, but then act as if nothing happened. Feelings are temporary- so in the moment, they believe it is real, and then, when the feeling passes- the belief is not there.

I also experienced my mother interfering with my relationship with my father and some relatives. It astounded me that these people who I thought loved me would be swayed by her. Yet, dysfunctional behaviors tend to run in families- even people without disorders behave in certain ways to maintain some sort of balance. One of my favorite models for this is the "drama triangle". I believe my father loved me-but he also had a complicated relationship with my mother- and the bond between them was strong. Since he seemed like the one who was not affected, I had to learn to understand that he too played a part in their relationship- and his decisions with her also were about him, not me.

I hope you will come to believe that you are worthy of love, and that it was your parents who were dealing with their dysfunction.

[luvart]

Hi Not Wendy and Kwamina,
Thanks for taking time to read my post and responding!
I've worked hard to reparent myself and engage in self-care. I find the Tara Brach lectures and meditations in particular to be very effective as they focus on self-compassion. I've found counseling less effective with respect to the mother issue. Many therapists really have 'mother' issues. There is also a lot of taboo about speaking negatively about your mother. I've done quite a bit of researching about BPD and my mother has engaged in many, many of the listed behaviors----especially scapegoating, parentification, gas lighting, self-victimization, baiting, name calling and constant criticism and put downs. These are not occasional behaviors but have been consistent over decades. And when I would call her on these, I was the one who was 'oversensitive.' She even said, "I can say anything I want to you because I am your mother." And, yes, my father, contributed as well with his distance. My mother was his second marriage, and I was his second daughter, or so I thought. He was recovering from surgery (and likely drugged) and I visited him with my now husband. As we walked in the nurse who was in the room said, "Oh, Mr. xxxx, is this your daughter?" And, my father replied, "I don't know... .ask her mother." So, you see, I also may have experienced parental fraud, with one parent not revealing who my true parent is. My mother did her best to distance me from my father. But it was not that difficult as he constantly called me 'stupid' and other names throughout my childhood even though I earned the 'honor roll' every year. When I was also about 10 or 11 years old, she told me that she thought my father was having an affair. She asked me to follow him on his evening summer walk, and like the dutiful daughter I was, I did. So, no, our relationship did not become closer. He was closed, and emotionally frozen. My mother attached herself to my brother and he serves as her surrogate husband. He is also emotionally unavailable and I believe she poisons his mind with lies. Thank you for the link to the forum on grief. One of my biggest challenges as an adult is changing the negative patterns that were set up in childhood. Through shifting my intent and focus, I am attracting people (friends, bosses, etc.) into my life who are available and caring.

[Kwamina]

Hi again luvart,

Some time has passed since your last post, but I still wanted to response to you.

One of my biggest challenges as an adult is changing the negative patterns that were set up in childhood. Through shifting my intent and focus, I am attracting people (friends, bosses, etc.) into my life who are available and caring.

Breaking these patterns can definitely be quite challenging. Through hard work it is possible though to make certain positive changes as you have also been doing

I am sorry both your parents subjected you to verbal abuse. This can really affect a child. Do you perhaps feel like you have internalized your parents' negative and critical voice and are now finding yourself struggling with an inner critic?

I think you make a very good point about the taboo about talking negatively or critically about one's mother. This is very sad and in many ways also very invalidating and possibly re-traumatizing when your mother has abused you. It can feel like your experience and the abuse you endured are being denied by the world around you.

[Mitchell]

 

Hi Luvart

the one things BPD'ers are good at is insults this allows them to feel good about themselves (someone worse than them) let the insults brush away I received the same kind of insults it was a mix of PD & dementia. What I did was when the insults started I removed myself for a short period this helped, I would walk round the block when I returned sometimes it would be to a calmer situation. If the insults flew again then I would leave usually until the next day.
Not an ideal way to live but necessary way if you are in close contact with PD's

Best of Luck

Mitch