Daughters of Borderline Personality Disordered Mothers

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
Are there daughters of borderline personality disordered mothers out there who seek to dialogue and share strategies for coping, mourning and healing? We seem to be in a unique category that I am not seeing addressed on this board at the moment. There's a lot that has been written about the impact of BPD mothers on relationships with daughters. Only recently I have been able to name what's happened and that is the first hurdle of remembering. Would love to hear from daughters/adult children of BPD mothers, about your struggles, and how you are finding peace and acceptance.
Sincerely,
Luvart

[luvart]

Hello,
Are there daughters of borderline personality disordered mothers out there who seek to dialogue and share strategies for coping, mourning and healing? We seem to be in a unique category that I am not seeing addressed on this board at the moment. There's a lot that has been written about the impact of BPD mothers on relationships with daughters. Only recently I have been able to name what's happened and that is the first hurdle of remembering. Would love to hear from daughters/adult children of BPD mothers, about your struggles, and how you are finding peace and acceptance.
Sincerely,
Luvart

[Sunfl0wer]

Just wanting to say welcome!

I have seen quite many here whose mom has BPD.  Seems that they are posting throughout depending on what they are dealing with.  They post here, also on other boards.  Many members who are coping with a SO, co-parenting issues or a breakup or such, also have a mom with BPD.

While the volume  of posts on this board of folks specifically currently dealing with BPD moms may seem slow or such, don't let that fool you into thinking the support is not huge and meaningful.  This specifically, is a special board imo.

I tend to "forget" my mom had BPD, cause all my life In my head I just labeled her as some abusive tyrant.  Yet, she was a "Witch" type of BPD mostly.

Feel free to post and jump right in to what's on your mind.  I am sure many here will relate and be kind, genuine, and supportive of you.  (My mom passed away, but I do still find healing in reprocessing some things via being jogged into it via other member's current issues with their mom)

[Naughty Nibbler]

luvart: 
I'd like to join Sunflower in welcoming you:   

There's a lot that has been written about the impact of BPD mothers on relationships with daughters. 

Have you read a particular book that you have found helpful?

Are there daughters of borderline personality disordered mothers out there who seek to dialogue and share strategies for coping, mourning and healing? We seem to be in a unique category that I am not seeing addressed on this board at the moment.

Actually, the most common situation on this board is with daughters with BPD mothers.  A lot of people tend to read posts and not engage.   When people see posts that most match their situation, they may initiate a thread.  So, sometimes, the most recent posts can change focus from daughters with BPD mothers, to men with BPD mothers, BPD DIL's or BPD Siblings - based on the most recent threads.

If you venture to the 2nd page of threads, or beyond, you will find some threads that you might want to interact with.  Some people engage the option to be notified by email, when someone replies to one of their threads, others may not.  Some people come to the board regularly, where others might come her sporadically.  The holidays can change the dynamics of types and degree of interactions, as well.

I've read a lot of post from daughters of elderly BPD moms over the last 2 months.  Just keep posting and interacting.  Although the exact situation of the specific roles, may differ, many of the experiences are similar.

[Fie]

Hello Luvart 

I have a BPD grandma (dad's side), a BPD mum and a BPDex. Can count right ?  ;-)
Naughtly Nibbler's strategy is a good one I think. Or you can start a threat with a specific situation you are dealing with yourself.

[Notwendy]

 I have an elderly mother with BPD. I think there are many of us who are trying to cope with their mothers- in different ways. Some have decided to go NC. Some have chosen to remain in contact- or low contact. I also think that there are daughters who are experiencing different stages of life with a BPD mother. Some are getting married, some are new mothers, some are dealing with their aging mothers.

What we all have in common is the lack of the mother we wished to have, and also the lack of a loving mother like we see our friends experience. However, I think we all have our own ways of feeling sad and coping.

I think it helps to share a specific situation that you are struggling with. I think we all have common feelings but it is in the specific incidences that we can share strategies- such as an uncomfortable meeting or phone call, or setting a certain boundaries.

Please continue to post. I think you will find a lot of good advice on this board.

[luvart]

I realize that the identities of daughters of BPD mothers are complex--and as a result women may  participate in other forums on this board, such as having a child with BPD, or a sibling, or a spouse.

However, my aim for starting this thread was to offer a place where daughters of BPD mothers, might and could share situations, strategies, etc. for coping and healing--specifically about being a daughter of a BPD mother.

If anyone out there wants to share, that's great!

A few resources out there--Karyl McBride books and therapy.

If anyone has resources, please do post!

Thank you.

[Notwendy]

I've read books by that author as well as several classics on BPD mothers cited on this board. I think it's important to get understanding of the disorder as well as realize that their issues are not our fault.

Personal counseling helped. I'm surprised that I saw many counsellors who did not suggest a 12 step co dependency group. I had hesitations but doing this work on me really helped me deal with my mother. ACA includes children of dysfunction and that helped too.

I chose a female sponsor for my own comfort and also my H who would not be comfortable with me doing personal and emotionally intimate work with a man. I tend to not get too close to women and not trust them emotionally. This is surely from my mother. It's not that I don't want to have close female friends - I do. I just fear their rejection. ( a mom issue). The relationship with my sponsor involved trust and tough love. I told her things I didn't dare tell people. She loved me enough to turn the mirror on me and help me to make changes. For someone who could not rely on a loving mother- this relationship made an impact on me. She wasn't a perfect person- had her own issues- but someone had helped her and she was paying that forward.

[tiptoeing_357]

My mother has BPD. I haven't spoken to her or my father in about 15 years. He was always the wet rag and served as proxy of the abuse. My mother could do no wrong in his eyes. I've had to really teach myself and forced myself to believe that I'm really not at fault for the way my mother treated me.

Now as an adult I struggle with intimacy, trust, beating myself up and self blame. I've turned into a doormat pretty much. Some people have called me sensitive and emotional, but the fact is I can tell when someone is pissed off or upset just by the way they walk. I have a huge distrust of women. I'm heterosexual and had many failed relationships. I've dated many narcissistic and controlling men. In the past I've had a tendency to become clingy and needy, desperate for love and attention, mostly looking for a place to belong. So I don't date at the moment. 

My biggest struggle is coping with my sisters at the moment. We had very fractured lives and never built a sibling bond in our childhood. It makes for a very difficult adulthood. I'm considering going no contact with them as well because they try to dictate my life and disrespect me. They consider me fat, unattractive, stupid, uneducated and going to hell. I've given up many friendships and hobbies to satisfy them and now I find myself alone. I thought by giving up who I am, I would maintain some peace or approval but find it didn't work. They've only found other reasons to dislike and invalidate me.

[Stolen]

Luvart,

I aslo echo the welcome. As a man I can't intimately discuss this topic, but I certainly can as an enmeshed observer. I accepted xW's FOO as simply "nuts", which was the limit of my psychological knowledge at the time. Fast forward to 30 years hence, and now I feel that I pursued my Phd in BPD!

Grandma displayed so many of the traits, triangulation of family, splitting, dysphoric rage, isolation of entire families, "special day" dysregulation.  xW Mother was the textbook wicked Queen/Witch - one of the most evil, hateful people I have ever met. xW and I were a cyclical struggle for decades, I really thought we were winning, but in her early 40s (younger than I had known either of the two preceding generations) she turned so dark I was initially fearing a brain tumor (maybe that could have been fixed... .).  xW now pursuing happiness in a lesbian community, my 2 Ds with her. They reflect her arrogant, dismissive, and mendacious behavior. At this point I have not seen them since June 2015.

So - I've seen it, and I've have studied it enough to make myself crazy.  The single best resource I found was "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. I read a lot of this book with my mouth open - finally understanding what I had experienced and observed.  I recommend it highly. 

If you have any questions for an "observer", I am more than happy to share my experiences. The last decade has really been a special kind of Hell for me.

[Leaflet]

I'm fairly certain that my Mom has BPD. She has almost every one of the traits. The thing is she would NEVER tell me if she was diagnosed with anything other than depression. Here are some of my memories growing up:

-As a teenager I lost my virginity, and the guy didn't speak to me after that. I was very hurt and confused. My Mom found out and berated me for embarrassing her by being a slut, and then she shut herself in her room and didn't speak to me for four days.
-When I started college (at 18), she wanted to divorce my Dad. She called me and spoke to me for hours about all the bad things he did to her and talked about what to do. It was like I was her confidant. She got angry and saw it as a betrayal if I spoke to my father.
-She didn't show up to my wedding because I didn't put her on the invitation as a host. She hadn't been returning my calls for several weeks, and she never offered to help with anything in the wedding. I didn't even know if she wanted to be a part of it. My Dad paid for half of the wedding, so I put him down as a host. My Mom was furious that I put him on the invitation, but not her so she didn't come.
-She got mad and didn't attend my college graduation because I went to dinner with my Dad the night before. She wouldn't go to dinner because they didn't want to be forced to sit at the same table.
-She cancelled my daughter's entire baptism because she got mad at me over something I don't really remember. She kicked me and my 8 month old out of the house that Christmas. Luckily, other family members jumped in and hosted a reception and we were able to continue with the baptism. After that, I didn't hear from her for months. When I did see her again she was shocked my daughter was walking, but my Mom had missed months of my daughter's life.
-She cancelled Christmas at her house this year because she was mad that we saw my Dad too much. I ended up with our out-of-town family staying at my house for Christmas. (I enjoyed seeing them, but I would have preferred to have more advanced notice so I could prep a Christmas meal and make sure their rooms were straightened prior to my family arriving crying at my doorstep.)
-My parents would have screaming fights when I was a kid. My sister and I would hide in the closet (around age 2 and 6.) The fight would end but no one would come look for us. It was like we didn't exist.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life. My parents thought I was just defective in the beginning, but since I've had my own child I've had flashbacks and been appalled at some of the things I remember. I accepted those things in my own memories, but when I had my own child I realized that I would never treat her like that. It's when I realized that my upbringing wasn't exactly normal.

[h27]

Hi Luvart,

I am also the child of a BPD mother. I am an only child and was raised by my mother alone. I am currently 27 and still live at my mother's house (this is common in the country where I live). I am saving money to move out as soon as possible.

This was the only solution I found, because I have been constantly suffering from verbal abuse. My mother is terrified that I will abandon her (for her, abandonment is actually having my own life and eventually moving out), so she threatens to call my boss and my boyfriend (as well as his parents) and emotionally blackmails me saying she will do everything to f* up my life. Her episodes are always triggered by some fear of abandonment. I have tried to assure her that this will never happen, but she doesn't listen. I believe she doesn't even know what is real anymore. Raitonality does not work with her and she refuses to get treatment or to acknowledge there is something wrong with her.

What's crazy is she is a great professional, but completely unstable emotionally. She is totally unpredictable and I never know how she is going to react. She constantly yells at me and projects her feelings, saying that I am jealous of her and that I ruined her life. She humiliates me when we are alone but compliments me to other people.

I am tired of this vicious cycle and would like to know if anyone has any insight about what to do, how to gain empowerment or how to convince someone with BPD to get treatment with a psychiatrist.

It is good to know that we are not alone. I am new to  bpdfamily.com but am finding it very comforting to know there are other people in the same situation. Thank you!