How often were you in SURVIVOR MODE with your ex BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

HI everybody.

It occurred to me that for most of my relationship I was in a state of high alert. Survivor mode. I feel it changed me as a person, left me way more anxious, impatient, intolerant, negative to the world around me... .not only behind closed doors but on the outside as well.

It suffices to say that my personal life was chaotic and I was miserable. Coping with suffering took a lot out of me. Some days I don't even know how I functioned.

For example, I used to be way more patient. The daily GRIND with my uBPDw made me very impatient with her daughter and distant with her. It didn't help that I couldn't connect well with the kid because I was always being told off in front of her. I felt like a fool. A chump. An ATM card. The first rule in the house was "don't upset my daughter". Anyway, I wonder if I might have had a better relationship with the girl if I had a better one with her mother.

Thanks for weighing in.

[michel71]

HI everybody.

It occurred to me that for most of my relationship I was in a state of high alert. Survivor mode. I feel it changed me as a person, left me way more anxious, impatient, intolerant, negative to the world around me... .not only behind closed doors but on the outside as well.

It suffices to say that my personal life was chaotic and I was miserable. Coping with suffering took a lot out of me. Some days I don't even know how I functioned.

For example, I used to be way more patient. The daily GRIND with my uBPDw made me very impatient with her daughter and distant with her. It didn't help that I couldn't connect well with the kid because I was always being told off in front of her. I felt like a fool. A chump. An ATM card. The first rule in the house was "don't upset my daughter". Anyway, I wonder if I might have had a better relationship with the girl if I had a better one with her mother.

Thanks for weighing in.

[oshinko maki]

Yes, utterly exhausting and resulting in rapid aging.

[once removed]

i used to wake up every morning with a terrible sense of dread.

shed expect me to send her some sort of greeting when id woken up and more or less stay in touch all day. not really my thing. i dont like being chained to someone, and i need my space.

id dread contacting her in the event of a fight. id dread not contacting her as it might lead to a fight. no way to live, really.

fights were especially frequent in my relationship. i had the best luck when id step away, but she would tend to escalate in ways i was likely to respond to.

after the breakup i suffered anxiety attacks that would occur between half an hour and an hour of waking up, and could last many hours. ive no doubt that was related to the fact that i was living on adrenaline and anxiety for the duration of my relationship, and i cant understate the effect that has on a persons body and psyche. it takes a serious amount of adjusting in the aftermath.

[yoyo1221]

Hi Michel71,

There is a term for that - hypervigilance.  Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.

It really is hell to be in this state for so long... . I understand what you're going through.

Whenever I catch myself in this state, I do my breathing exercises, slowly breath through the nose and slowly breathe out.

[oshinko maki]

hypervigilance→slowly breath through the nose and slowly breathe out.

Excellent advice. Thank you!

[heartandwhole]

Michel, I can relate. In my relationship it got to the point where my body was in a very alert state constantly. I felt anxious, too. At the breakup I felt like a machine doing what I had to do to survive. I used to tell myself, "Just get through the next 3 hours." And I did, but I felt numb and exhausted and way too much in my head.

I think one of the best ways to recover from this kind of "automatic pilot" is to get into my body. To ground myself. Meditative movement, deep, slow breathing, etc. Be careful about overdoing, though, practices like that can be powerful, and especially in the beginning of a breakup, the nervous system can feel quite sensitive.

heartandwhole

[oshinko maki]

"Just get through the next 3 hours."
This is great advice too, I feel, as it helped me many years ago when I used similar thinking like just make it another day/week/month for my son's sake, and eventually I was able to feel like I could tell myself that I can make it another year for him, and after that I had no more need to think like that.

[michel71]

Thank you for all your comments. I do think that the constant state of hyper vigilance is not good for one's health. That was a main concern of mine and played a significant part in my decision to have her move out. My best friend was really worried that I would have a heart attack ( I was too).

I need to get my health in order. I need to lose about 20 pounds. Watch what I eat and exercise.

I think if I remained in my situation any longer I might have had some medical problems that would have been serious and perhaps irreversible. I consider myself lucky at this point.

I must say that I do feel relaxed already. I will post about that at another time.

[cbm419]

How often in survivor mode? Hm. About 90-100% of the time. Also rapidly aged me. Think it raised cortisol levels because for the first time in my life started developing belly fat. I'm pretty active and work out a ton... .have always been naturally thin as a rail. Feeling less attractive didn't help because I began to think my very good looking ex was "as good as it gets" because he (still) says I'm the hottest thing alive and that will never change. It wasn't until I uncovered chats he had w his cheats that I realized he treated everyone that way, even people who were objectively very not good looking (I've posted a lot here how he trended toward cheating w unattractive people because they would lavish him with attention). Discovering that has helped detach from my physical obsession with him and our (very intense) sex life. However, it also makes me feel disgusted with him and like a world class sucker for being so completely "tricked" by his manipulative tactics.

After the break up, the constant hypervigilance has left me pretty scarred. I got so used to the emotional highs and low lows, as well as survivor mode, that normal life feels very unfulfilling. Boring. I have zero motivation to work, pursue my old hobbies and interests. If I don't have an obligation in the morning I can easily sleep in well past noon. Even w several alarms set. I find myself turning them off or hitting snooze for sometimes hours.

I hate this! I used to be very energetic, motivated. Had goals, exceeded performance in my jobs, maintained a robust and fulfilling social life with many awesome and supportive friends. Unfortunately these people distanced themselves from me because my ex consumed my free time. And if I was ever socializing without him, there was some form of crisis or he found a way to demand attention. I would be with friends but only physically, always texting or leaving the room for a call. I don't blame these friends. They also got sick of hearing all my drama, rightly suggesting I leave, then see me back with my BPD for another round of abuse. They couldn't stick around and watch me slowly and willfully self destruct.

But yea the constant survivor mode was, looking back, one of the most harmful aspects during and now after the relationship. I just hope my mind and body recalibrate soon. It's been near two months since break up after about a year of things falling apart.

[Confused#9999]

The constant anxiety and worry about why she is distant "this time", was so life consuming. It's crazy thinking about it now, and it's only been a bit over two weeks. The reason for the distance was always "I need my quiet time and space to be ok". I had no idea what that meant since I was never given an answer. The only thing I was told was that her mind would become way too negative and would ruin her thoughts and feelings about us. The more we became "close" the more she ran the other way. The constant hot-cold l became debilitating.

[Duped 1]

Wow cbm I could have wrote what you did. Same story!

[cbm419]

Wow cbm I could have wrote what you did. Same story!

Thats why we are here! I come to this site now every time i get the urge to contact him from a place of weakness.  I havent gone full NC and dont expect to soon... .but I'm very good at managing his "pulls" when I've had a healthy dose of this forum.  Detaching threads remind me how I need to stay broken up.  Improving threads remind me of how hard these relationships are even when the partner is WILLING to change... .and mine is not.

I cant tell you how many times I've felt someone else was writing my exact story on here.  Its actually eerie. 

[Duped 1]

That's the exact word I used to describe it when I started reading here. Eery! Reading my story written by many others

[michel71]

Seems like we are all with the same person, yet we do have to remind ourselves that this is a spectrum disorder.

[Me-Time]

I was just thinking about this today while interacting with some people. I noticed how I've changed in how I relate. I am such a patient person, but I find it much harder to be now. It's something I've always prided myself on (hello, that's why pwBPD love me!) and I've vowed to get that back. Other ways I've changed: gained 20 lbs over 1 1/2 years, apologizing for possibly offending someone when merely offering an opinion, developed a tremor and racing heart for a week after the breakup (comes and goes now), lack of motivation, anhedonia (not deriving pleasure from things I used to do), defensiveness, aging and more gray hair, I just generally don't look good. I don't smile the way I used to either. But I'm working on it. She just moved out yesterday... .gotta give it time.

As far as survivor mode? Constantly. I remember coming home from work and walking up to my front door. I'd stop for a second before putting the key in to unlock the door and take a deep breath. One day I even crossed myself!

[talks to angels]

Still am, and its over.

[bus boy]

Good topic, I was in constant survivor mode. I always thought before I spoke, I would stop at the end of our road on my way home from work and tell myself " I can do this" I use pretend I was sleeping so I wouldn't have to talk to her incase I said something wrong. Now that I'm totally out of this r/s I see how my life was so crazy.

[ShadowA]

The constant anxiety and worry about why she is distant "this time", was so life consuming. It's crazy thinking about it now, and it's only been a bit over two weeks. The reason for the distance was always "I need my quiet time and space to be ok". I had no idea what that meant since I was never given an answer. The only thing I was told was that her mind would become way too negative and would ruin her thoughts and feelings about us. The more we became "close" the more she ran the other way. The constant hot-cold l became debilitating.

^- This is so true.

[Weary1402]

I can relate to these new negative emotions. I am in a constant state of irritability. I have lost interest in everything I used to love. I feel like I have a new identity now. I was never an angry person, and now I have these emotions that I have no idea where they come from. I feel anxiety that I never had. I told her I hate who I have become with her. But it doesn't matter the cost to us as long as our BPD person feels like they are getting enough attention.
I have a feeling it's going to be a while until I find who I was again.

[cbm419]

I can relate to these new negative emotions. I am in a constant state of irritability. I have lost interest in everything I used to love. I feel like I have a new identity now. I was never an angry person, and now I have these emotions that I have no idea where they come from. I feel anxiety that I never had. I told her I hate who I have become with her. But it doesn't matter the cost to us as long as our BPD person feels like they are getting enough attention.
I have a feeling it's going to be a while until I find who I was again.

You'll come back to it soon enough.  I have both a psychiatrist and therapist... .the psych insists we shouldnt start with anti depressants or anything just yet... .his RX yesterday was a book called "How to break your addiction to a person."  It sounds corny but reading that, and coming here, have provided the only glimmer of recapturing my sense of self. 

two nights ago I had a dream where I truly felt like me again.  it was amazing.  I woke up feeling so motivated and ready to take on the day.  The sensation faded with time, but I told my psych (happened to have appt that same day) and he said it was a sign.

Detachment from a normal relationship involves a complex and long process.
Detachment from an addicting relationship (like that of a BPD) involves a shorter but more pronounced mourning period, normally followed by a feeling of relief, release and triumph.

We have to remember we are detaching from love addiction, and focus on how we are, in reality, triumphing from a dangerous person who was bad for us.

Idealizing that actuality and holding onto it in moments of sadness is the first step towards rediscovering yourself.