The aftermath of being mistreated by someone with a PD

[Wahg]

After moving in with our mother, my only sibling subjected me and our mother to a living hell for over five years.  (My sister and I are middle aged, mum was in her 80s, but was fine living on her own.)

As far as I could tell, only my mother and I were subjected to the extreme PD behaviors. Because we became freighted, we cow-towed and towed the line, saying nothing to anyone else about the outrageous behaviors we endured.

Now, with mom gone two years, and severing all contact with my sibling a year ago, I am still at my wit's end. 

Believing my sister suffers from a mental disorder (PD) has not helped me at all in coping with what happened. I do not believe these people with PD are themselves helpless victims, as I saw that she chose who to expose her tortuous behaviors to --  she tormented only mom and me.  So she was making a conscious choice to be a monster, and so I cannot and never will forgive her, esp. in how she mistreated our mother and the guilt and shame I feel for not being able to save my mother from her.

I am experiencing worsening mental health problems, a year after severing all contact with my sister. My major depression and anxiety disorders have now taken on a PTSD element, which I have been diagnosed with -- due to the way I was treated.  After I closed the curtain on her forever, I expected a great relief and improvement.  But instead my mental health got even worse!

At the moment I am having 50 minute psychotherapy session, weekly.  The session can be a bit all over the map depending on my mental and emotional duress that day.  The intention is to have Exposure & Habituation therapy, but sometimes I am too upset and vulnerable to do that and the therapist deals with me as a 'depressed and anxious' person using CBT.

Does anyone have any experience and recommendations with regards to therapy and/or getting past the  past? I seem to be stuck in neutral or even in reverse. I don't know how much longer I can take it.  Thank you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Wahg! 

Welcome to our online family. I am very sorry for the struggle you are currently in. I can see how it would be causing you a great deal of anxiety. I'm glad that you are seeing a T to help you work through this time.

It sounds as if you may be dealing with anger towards your sibling for the terrible way she treated you and your mom. Do you feel angrier for the way she took advantage of your mom or angry for how she treated you? I was wondering if one were more obvious than the other in your mind. I think if I were in your shoes, I might be upset with myself for not being able to make the crazy situation stop, but that is me and not necessarily you. There are so many underlying feelings brought about when we find it necessary to deal with someone who has a PD. Anger hides what is really something else typically. You were both violated by your sibling's mistreatment, and she seems to have gotten away with it.

What would you like for your sibling to understand, if one could imagine that there'd be such an opportunity? You could play this out and imagine it, even though it probably would not happen in real life. I've found in my own T that such a process can yield clues to help uncover more of the source of pain inside of me.

You may also be grieving the loss of your mom. Don't underestimate the power of grief. It is a huge force that influences how we see the world for some time to come after losing a loved one. I lost both parents within 3 years, and it was a tough journey.

Do you think any of these things might be influencing you currently?

 
Wools

[peacebthejourney]

I have PTSD myself. No fun. I just wanted to let you know that EMDR is a psychology technique proven in many studies to be effective for trauma recovery. It helps put an end to fight or flight or freeze symptoms from being triggered every time you remember your traumas. The memories remain but not the hyped up response--it helps end the feeling that you're reliving it all again each time the trauma memories surface.

I had lots of complex trauma to deal with--multiple abusers over many years and EMDR has helped quite a bit.

Neurofeedback can also be helpful.

Also you might want to talk to your therapist about the feeling that you sister chose to act up only around you and your mother. Borderlines tend to act their worst around closest people. Those they are closest to pose the biggest threat to their fears of abandonment. I'm not sure this means that they actually make a conscious choice to act that way.

Hang in there. Your life will get better again. I wish you all the best as you recover from the trauma experiences you had living with a sister with borderline personality disorder.

[Charlie3236]

Hi Wahg & welcome!   

You have every right to be angry for the way you and your mum were treated! And there's nothing that says you HAVE to forgive her... .ever! Someday you may choose to for your own peace of mind, but that's another discussion for another day.

Anger is a tricky beast however, even when justified. Most of us are aware of how dangerous anger turned outward is, but anger turned inward can be just as dangerous and debilitating. It typically results in anxiety and depression, which can lead to a whole host of other disorders: eating disorders, heart problems, agoraphobia, etc. So for your own health it seems that focusing on the root of that anger (which always has an underlying emotion) will probably be key in your healing.

I had the same experience when I went NC with my BPD little sis... .It was like I had lived in hypervigilant survival mode for so long, that once she was gone I was slammed into depression. I second peaceb's recommendation of EMDR for PTSD, highly effective and fast at getting to the root causes! I'm also on some herbal supplements that help with hypothalamus/ pituitary health, the flight-or-flight pathway.

You are on your way to healing! You've been through a LOT (BPD abuse is NO JOKE!), so take it easy on yourself lady, and try to relax into the awesome healing process you're embarking on!

Best of luck, glad you're here!