Difficult times lately

[melgal86]

Hi Everyone,
Back again for the 2nd time posting. Just feel like I need someone to talk to. It's so hard hiding this life all the time. I find it exhausting. It's my spouse that has BPD along with a ton of other diagnoses. Over the past 2-3 months I have been trying to get him to bathe. He does it only maybe 2 times a week. I even went out and bought him new stuff and got him a fancy haircut and beard shave. I just don't know what to do.
He's so difficult to just talk to. I'm at work right now and called him from my shared office because my co worker went out for lunch and of course someone walks in and I'm on the phone please go away. I told him I booked another doctors appt to go over how his medications are not working for the 6th time. He said "yeah, whatever-I don't know what your talking about an appointment". He asked me to book one for us to go together so hopefully we can get a referral to a psychiatrist that can get him on the right drug combo. We waited 8 mo this to talk to someone in mental health for a counsellor and he said that when he wants to talk she just glazes over everything he says.
I just feel so alone lately. I have a brace face on in front of my friends, family and co workers. I also have a 3.5 year old at home and a puppy.
I feel so desperate and alone... .

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[malibu4x]

Hi Melgal,
Sorry you are in so much pain and feeling alone.

It looks like you have taken some good steps in getting him to speak with someone.  How frustrating that she seems out of tune with him.

I have found some DBT specialized therapists here: www.behavioraltech.org/resources/crd.cfm   Not sure if that is an option for you.

[isilme]

Hello.  I come here just to talk, too.  It's not easy knowing that you have this thing in your life but that it's too hard to communicate about it to others who've never been in the BPD boat.  I find talking here feels "safe" and lets me see in writing what I'm feeling, which all in all is helpful.

I know a lot of the time we feel there is some way to "fix" our loved ones, and while we can certainly try to help them, they really need to want to make changes on their own.

No bathing - to me that sounds like it may indicate a few things:  1) depression and/or poor self-esteem.  Why bother expending energy to bathe if you are ugly/feel horrible/hate yourself anyway? 
 and 2) a passive-aggressive approach to not doing something you obviously want him to do.  Kinda like, "Oh, you want me to be clean, well, I feel horrible so I want you to know how I feel so I will not bathe, so there!"  It's kinda gross, but I'd almost ignore it.  I'd also not be interested in being cuddly, close, or intimate until regular bathing starts back up.  I know it's not the best analogy, but in many ways I see BPD as someone whose life skills and coping abilities were arrested at age two, and never moved forward.

Not "remembering" an appointment is also passive-aggressive, and if I understand your comments, he went alone and claimed the doc did not listen to him.  Sadly, for someone with BPD, the accusation of not listening does not mean the person was not listening.  It means they were unhappy about being there.  They did not agree with everything said, or make them feel validated, or a myriad of things that could all have little to do with the doctor's actual manner.   

I found that once I stepped back from trying to "fix" H, and started working on fixing ME instead, things actually improved a bit for H.  You sound pretty worried, and like it's up to you to take care of all things.  This is exhausting.  Many of us have done this.  And I admit for me it's cyclic.  I am very co-dependent by nature.  "Fixing" things is what I was raised by two BPD parents to do - it was my role in life.  But it also drains you.  It leaves you feeling resentment when your emotionally disabled loved one can't /won't improve.  It makes you feel helpless when you can't "make" them do what you think a normal, healthy adult should be doing.

So you take a step back.  You find something that you can do for you to make you feel better.  You accept that your H may not feel like bathing - he's a grown up, he can decide if it's worth his time or if he wants to smell bad.  You can set a boundary for what interactions you will tolerate with a smelly person.  Your H will not like it - that's okay.  You don't have to make things okay for him all the time - you matter too.  If he goes off on you for not wanting a hug from someone who smells bad, he can be upset, but so can you.  You can refuse to allow his lack of bathing be your fault.  It's not.  Unless he is immobile and cannot bathe himself, it's all on him.   

What kinds of meds is he taking?  Are they for behavioral issues, or more physically medical ones?  Like something to regulate serotonin, or dopamine, or is he like on insulin?  Meds won't really do much for BPD, in my experience.  They may help with other issues that can make BPD worse, but BPD is wired into the reactions in someone's brain.  H seems to have a bad tendency to rage when his blood sugar is low.  He's even slowly become aware of it, and we both now look for it.  This has taken 20 years to get to this awareness, though, and about 10 years of me posting on here trying to make sense and see patterns.

Things can get better.  You are not alone, we've all had days feelings similarly.  But it's okay to take care of you.  It's okay to not feel the need to fix your H's meds, his psych appointments, or whether he showers.  You can be there to help, but it's not your job to DO.  I hope that makes sense.  Just know you're not alone. 

[malibu4x]

isilme,

Great thoughtful post.  My W is depressed as well... .this helped me think more clearly about some things.

[melgal86]

Hi Isilme,
I really appreciated your response and honestly have read it multiple times since you wrote it.
I agree that I feel like my 4 year old is able to handle things more rationally.
I am a people pleaser. My dad suffers from horrible depression and he over reacts to a lot and I saw my mom go through a lot with him and I know what I had to handle growing up with.
Now trying to be helpful every day for my husband is honestly exhausted on top of raising our child and we have a puppy.
I just wish that he could adult. I have caught on over the last week or so that he specifically does things for attention I think.
I will continue to work away on not trying to make everything better for him.
I have my first appointment to meet a counsellor this week and I hope it goes well. I have gone before and the last person I saw was not very supportive of my relationship. They just kept saying he can't get better. I know what he has but there are ways to manage. I want to learn coping skills and be stronger for myself. A big part of it is that I take things to heart a lot which is probably not the best match for a BPD but I'm willing to work on me.
Thanks agin for your kind words and recommendations.

Hello.  I come here just to talk, too.  It's not easy knowing that you have this thing in your life but that it's too hard to communicate about it to others who've never been in the BPD boat.  I find talking here feels "safe" and lets me see in writing what I'm feeling, which all in all is helpful.

I know a lot of the time we feel there is some way to "fix" our loved ones, and while we can certainly try to help them, they really need to want to make changes on their own.

No bathing - to me that sounds like it may indicate a few things:  1) depression and/or poor self-esteem.  Why bother expending energy to bathe if you are ugly/feel horrible/hate yourself anyway? 
 and 2) a passive-aggressive approach to not doing something you obviously want him to do.  Kinda like, "Oh, you want me to be clean, well, I feel horrible so I want you to know how I feel so I will not bathe, so there!"  It's kinda gross, but I'd almost ignore it.  I'd also not be interested in being cuddly, close, or intimate until regular bathing starts back up.  I know it's not the best analogy, but in many ways I see BPD as someone whose life skills and coping abilities were arrested at age two, and never moved forward.

Not "remembering" an appointment is also passive-aggressive, and if I understand your comments, he went alone and claimed the doc did not listen to him.  Sadly, for someone with BPD, the accusation of not listening does not mean the person was not listening.  It means they were unhappy about being there.  They did not agree with everything said, or make them feel validated, or a myriad of things that could all have little to do with the doctor's actual manner.   

I found that once I stepped back from trying to "fix" H, and started working on fixing ME instead, things actually improved a bit for H.  You sound pretty worried, and like it's up to you to take care of all things.  This is exhausting.  Many of us have done this.  And I admit for me it's cyclic.  I am very co-dependent by nature.  "Fixing" things is what I was raised by two BPD parents to do - it was my role in life.  But it also drains you.  It leaves you feeling resentment when your emotionally disabled loved one can't /won't improve.  It makes you feel helpless when you can't "make" them do what you think a normal, healthy adult should be doing.

So you take a step back.  You find something that you can do for you to make you feel better.  You accept that your H may not feel like bathing - he's a grown up, he can decide if it's worth his time or if he wants to smell bad.  You can set a boundary for what interactions you will tolerate with a smelly person.  Your H will not like it - that's okay.  You don't have to make things okay for him all the time - you matter too.  If he goes off on you for not wanting a hug from someone who smells bad, he can be upset, but so can you.  You can refuse to allow his lack of bathing be your fault.  It's not.  Unless he is immobile and cannot bathe himself, it's all on him.   

What kinds of meds is he taking?  Are they for behavioral issues, or more physically medical ones?  Like something to regulate serotonin, or dopamine, or is he like on insulin?  Meds won't really do much for BPD, in my experience.  They may help with other issues that can make BPD worse, but BPD is wired into the reactions in someone's brain.  H seems to have a bad tendency to rage when his blood sugar is low.  He's even slowly become aware of it, and we both now look for it.  This has taken 20 years to get to this awareness, though, and about 10 years of me posting on here trying to make sense and see patterns.

Things can get better.  You are not alone, we've all had days feelings similarly.  But it's okay to take care of you.  It's okay to not feel the need to fix your H's meds, his psych appointments, or whether he showers.  You can be there to help, but it's not your job to DO.  I hope that makes sense.  Just know you're not alone.