How to deal with accusations that you're the crazy/BPD one?

[thefinalrose]

My ex convinced himself that I'm the one with all the problems and that he was doing nothing wrong, and when he would upset me to the point that I would yell at him or believe that the horrible things he said to me were true (you're worthless, crazy, etc.) he would use that as "proof". It's really gotten inside my head because it's true that I do have a lot of psychological issues, in the form of CPTSD and chronic depression. I was afraid for a very long time that I was the one with BPD and still am, because there are some similarities - history of child abuse, depression, self-hatred, self-harm, suicidal thoughts - but that is where the similarities end.

I have never push/pulled in a relationship, was never dishonest, have never idealized/devalued, never refused to accept responsibility for my mistakes, never blamed anyone but myself, never used the silent treatment, I don't have an intense fear of emotional intimacy, and I've never, ever physically attacked anyone or called them names when I was upset with them. I've worked with many psychiatrists and therapists over the years, and none of them have ever told me I have BPD.

After reading about BPD so much because of my ex's accusations, I've realized that all of those behaviors were observable in my ex for nearly the entirety of our three year relationship. Our entire relationship was defined by his constant push/pull. A lot of the times it seemed he was obsessed with me, he wouldn't leave me alone, he'd be all over me and we'd be very physically and emotionally intimate for a time, and then without warning, he'd ignore me and treat me like he doesn't care about me and his behavior would become very nasty and hurtful. That would continue for an indefinite amount of time, until he would become very loving and affectionate again, and pretend like nothing ever happened.

He never wanted a relationship with me. He always even had a girlfriend on the side. When I finally confronted him about it, he got so defensive, and told me it's MY sexual orientation that made him feel like it's okay to be intimate with me without having a committed relationship (without even asking me first?) and any further attempt to discuss our relationship on my part was met with silence.

Then less than three months later he called me up in the middle of the night crying and telling me he loves me, how important I am to him, how terrified he was that he would never hear from me again after I moved away, etc. Less than a week after that conversation he began to devalue me in the extreme, he would hardly speak to me at all and when he did, nothing but lies came out of his mouth. He would get angry if I told him I love him. He'd get angry if I said I care about him. Then about three months later he discarded me completely, told me I have problems and I'm too intense and unstable and that I'm so toxic and unhealthy (sort of the stuff you might tell a BPD person before going "no contact"... .), ignored my few attempts to have a conversation with him about what's happened, and he hasn't been back (for 15 months, if you haven't read my other posts).

What makes this even more confusing is that he himself is a psychologist! And the more I got to know him, the more I began to believe he likes to hide behind his profession ("I'm the normal/stable one" while pointing out problems in everyone else, and refusing to address problems within himself. He obsessively tried to "help" me with my depression, before using the information I'd disclosed to him against me (more "proof" that I'm crazy).

Sorry, this is getting long... .but this eats at my mind every day and every night, I can't stop thinking about it. I have these horrible thoughts like "He went away because I am too crazy, I must be borderline like he said, he never did anything wrong" while at the same time I know that's not true and he did a lot of atrocious things to me. How do you deal with being blamed for everything? How do you deal with accusations that you're crazy and caused all the problems?

[OutofTheWoods]

This is called gaslighting - basically they convince you that you are at fault and they are infallible.

Putting all the blame on you is also easier than looking within and taking responsibility for their contributions to the relationship dysfunction. It's easier if you are willing to take all the hits for them - it plays into their narrative.

Learning more about BPD thinking will help - you are vulnerable which is why you are questioning the truth of what they are saying - but really look at his actions. He went away because you aren't serving his needs right now - that is not what love is. Love isn't yanking someone around like this.

You deserve so much better!

[thefinalrose]

But what if it is true and I'm just unaware or in denial? I've read posts here where people say their ex seemed oblivious and then got all upset when they were made aware of their behavior/condition. So what if that's just what I'm doing? I did behave strangely for a while, shortly before he discarded me, because my depression was so bad at the time and his verbal/emotional abuse was really getting to me. But what if I'm just saying that and it really is my fault? I've read posts here where people say their BPD ex said they were behaving that way or feeling that way because of the non's supposed abuse. So what if I'm just saying that?

... .My mind is twisted in knots.

[Pretty Woman]

It's gaslighting, totally.

Please re-read what you wrote. It is NOT your fault and you are not going crazy. He had a chick on the side, lied to you and tries to hurt you with his words.
That's not love. He is a master manipulator.

You are taking his words as gospel. They are far from gospel. You have been subjected to his abuse for so long you've forgotten what healthy is. We all have been there. This has become your norm but it's far from normal.

I experienced something very similar to you. One break up my ex called me practically wailing that she missed me and couldn't live without me. I told her I loved her and how special she was.

Mind you she violently broke up with me (pushed me down a flight of stairs) and left me for an ex. This was later that evening.

The next day she wanted NOTHING to do with me and threatened a RO.

THAT. IS. INSANE.

But we dated another two years. Two years.

I am far enough removed to see how crazy that is and you will too. NC saved my life really. Their words are very painful and stinging. I understand how you feel but know... .it truly isn't you.

 

PS. and btw there are a lot of BPD persons with careers as Psychologists. That sure doesn't make them experts, they can still be cray-cray!

[talks to angels]

yes as Pretty Woman said, there are a lot of personality disordered people in the mental health field. Scary amount actually.

I know its hard as I too have been where you are. Hang in there. Remember it is easier for them and their sick ego to convince themselves and anyone else that you were the issue. I just had the circular argument with my ex a couple months ago and he contacted me because he wanted to apologize. These people are delusional! They will do and say anything to look like the great person. and mine too had a girl that was supposedly just a friend that I found out was really a girl that he was messing around with the whole time we were together.  Its hard I know. Its so much easier looking back. Be kind to yourself and realize that you know the truth. I understand the pain you feel.

[thefinalrose]

I hear what you guys are saying and I can half believe it, but what of all the times I did act "crazy"? Because there were times I really did, when I really began to get fed up with his behavior. I also said things that I know really do sound borderline, like "I didn't hate myself as much when you were nice to me". I also tried to reach out to him a few times and apologize for the things he accused me of, which he convinced me I had done but I had no memory of doing, and had not found the supposedly hurtful things I'd said in text messages and so forth, but doesn't that also mean I'm the "crazy" one? Because I tried to reach out and apologize after snapping at him for his behavior? It's like you all are telling me I'm not, but then when you give examples of the BPD people in your own lives I can see aspects of my own behavior in theirs. I also see aspects of my ex's behavior too though... .

[talks to angels]

I can relate. I have not had verbal wars as an adult until him. Yours sounded like mine and I even told him one time. I dont like who I have become, I fight because I feel like I am fighting for my sanity. They really do have a way of making you doubt your own reality. the last thing I told him was that I felt like he trapped me in his angry web of lies afraid I would see the truth of who he was and when I did,he tried to alter my reality.