Is it possible that my BPD ex was infact not BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

She was diagnosed... Had all of the usual signs...

There was the projecting... "It's your fault" "You're abusive!" "You need to change." etc...

There was the idealization/devaluation phases...

The constant on/off relationship... Always having someone lined up when she left...

There were the emotional outbursts, the anger, the black and white thinking... There was the gaslighting... .Needing constant enabling, approval, validation...


However, mine showed empathy and sympathy most of the time. She asked me about my day a lot. She asked me how I was doing a lot. She seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. She comforted me when I was upset and gave me back rubs. Complimented me. Helped me with a lot of things... Paid for things that both of us could do when she had the money for it... She apologized and admitted to being in the wrong sometimes...

Does this mean that she was just well treated or that she may not have been BPD?

[FallenOne]

She was diagnosed... Had all of the usual signs...

There was the projecting... "It's your fault" "You're abusive!" "You need to change." etc...

There was the idealization/devaluation phases...

The constant on/off relationship... Always having someone lined up when she left...

There were the emotional outbursts, the anger, the black and white thinking... There was the gaslighting... .Needing constant enabling, approval, validation...


However, mine showed empathy and sympathy most of the time. She asked me about my day a lot. She asked me how I was doing a lot. She seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. She comforted me when I was upset and gave me back rubs. Complimented me. Helped me with a lot of things... Paid for things that both of us could do when she had the money for it... She apologized and admitted to being in the wrong sometimes...

Does this mean that she was just well treated or that she may not have been BPD?

[Hisaccount]

Mine was high functioning. So they can seem normal in a lot of ways, but walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it is probably a duck.

For me, the more I was around her parents I saw she was treating me the way she saw her parents treat each other.
So she was doing those things she thought was normal.
They were not from her heart.

[Curiously1]

She was diagnosed with BPD so I would just stick to that and not worry too much. All of what you described sounds like someone with BPD. If she doesn't have it, it doesn't matter because what she has is extremeley problematic to sustain a relationship anyway.
I see my ex as a wonderful person with severe issues she has to deal with.
All those good qualities about them such as the ones you describe are many reasons why we loved them so much.
If they were so horrible especially at the start I think we'd just go what the heck? and wouldn't even get the chance to fall for them.
pwBPD does not lack the capacity for empathy unlike some of the other Cluster B disorders such as NPD and ASPD who have 0. The way the disorder represents itself may cause them to be inconsistent with how they show empathy is why they seem to lack so much of it sometimes.

[IamGrey]

Yes mine was the same - until the devaluation stage, where all of that 'empathy' evaporated. And this stage lasted months before the discard.

I used to think mine was HF too, but looking back, and taking into account it was a LDR, I'm not so sure.

I've read many of 2010's superb posts and have to agree that 'HF' BPD doesn't actually exist.

[thefinalrose]

It seems that the hallmark of any of the Cluster B personality disorders including BPD is the behavior pattern of idealization and devaluation. I don't know if my ex really has BPD or not, but after researching it so much I'm inclined to think that he does.

He would be very empathetic... .when he wanted to be. I truly think that's who he really is. But when he'd begin to devalue me? He couldn't care less. He'd break promises, betray my trust, lie, say hurtful things, and if I got upset about it or if he'd make me cry, he wouldn't give a damn. It would be my fault. One time, I dropped by his apartment after he asked me come over, and from the moment he opened the door I honestly thought he was going to beat me up or rape me. It was terrifying. He tried to initiate sex, without asking me if I wanted to, and when I shoved him away and told him no, he escorted me to the door, flung me out with such force I fell and hurt my wrist, and slammed the door behind me without a word. Not even an icy "are you okay?"

Other times, he'd be the warmest, kindest, most compassionate person, listening to what I have to say with interest. He'd be gentle and sweet. A very lovely person.

It seems like, when they idealize you, they love everything about you, even your faults. But then something happens, you do something small that most people wouldn't even notice, or you do something that had nothing to do with them and they take it personally,  or you make a mistake and hurt them by accident, and very suddenly, they become this other person, they devalue you to the point they can't stand you, there's nothing good about you anymore. They don't care about you. They hate you. You become an enemy or a complete monster or the BPD one, in their minds. You get blamed for everything. Any time you try to discuss something, you're either met with silence or outrageous accusations.

I don't know if this is BPD or not, but it's certainly how my ex acted. This behavior pattern was present from the very beginning of our three year relationship.

[FallenOne]

It seems that the hallmark of any of the Cluster B personality disorders including BPD is the behavior pattern of idealization and devaluation. I don't know if my ex really has BPD or not, but after researching it so much I'm inclined to think that he does.

He would be very empathetic... .when he wanted to be. I truly think that's who he really is. But when he'd begin to devalue me? He couldn't care less. He'd break promises, betray my trust, lie, say hurtful things, and if I got upset about it or if he'd make me cry, he wouldn't give a damn. It would be my fault. One time, I dropped by his apartment after he asked me come over, and from the moment he opened the door I honestly thought he was going to beat me up or rape me. It was terrifying. He tried to initiate sex, without asking me if I wanted to, and when I shoved him away and told him no, he escorted me to the door, flung me out with such force I fell and hurt my wrist, and slammed the door behind me without a word. Not even an icy "are you okay?"

Other times, he'd be the warmest, kindest, most compassionate person, listening to what I have to say with interest. He'd be gentle and sweet. A very lovely person.

It seems like, when they idealize you, they love everything about you, even your faults. But then something happens, you do something small that most people wouldn't even notice, or you do something that had nothing to do with them and they take it personally,  or you make a mistake and hurt them by accident, and very suddenly, they become this other person, they devalue you to the point they can't stand you, there's nothing good about you anymore. They don't care about you. They hate you. You become an enemy or a complete monster or the BPD one, in their minds. You get blamed for everything. Any time you try to discuss something, you're either met with silence or outrageous accusations.

I don't know if this is BPD or not, but it's certainly how my ex acted. This behavior pattern was present from the very beginning of our three year relationship.

That's mostly how mine acted too, but mine wasn't physically violent... Though she did slap me across the face a few times when we were fighting.

She either loved me, or hated me... Triggering the "hate" phases was not hard... The most subtle slight or mistake would trigger her and then once she flipped, there was no reasoning or talking with her at that point... Sometimes she would get over it in an afternoon or in a few days, other times she would breakup with me and it would take a month or two for her to get over it...

[FallenOne]

One time, I was texting mine, and everything was great throughout the day... She then sent me a funny picture and I sarcastically commented on it that "now my day is ruined -_-" and she completely flipped out over this and was angry about it for the rest of the day... Accused me of blaming her for ruining my day... .I explained that it was a misunderstanding and that my comment to the picture she sent was just supposed to be funny and sarcastic...   Even after explaining this, she was still angry and would not let it go for the rest of the day...

[ShadowA]

One time, I was texting mine, and everything was great throughout the day... She then sent me a funny picture and I sarcastically commented on it that "now my day is ruined -_-" and she completely flipped out over this and was angry about it for the rest of the day... Accused me of blaming her for ruining my day... .I explained that it was a misunderstanding and that my comment to the picture she sent was just supposed to be funny and sarcastic...   Even after explaining this, she was still angry and would not let it go for the rest of the day...

Yeah, there's a study that BPD people hold onto anger longer/ have a longer cooldown period.

[FSTL]

My BPD-ex would flip out, then sleep on it and act like everything was normal the next day. Usually no apology and if I raised it with her or tried to explain that I was hurt by what she said, she would just tell me to get over it... .

As to the original post... .BPD is a spectrum disorder and my BPD also learnt to copy behaviour, quite often mine, so I would stick with the diagnosis and not think much more about whether she is or isn't.

[thefinalrose]

Thank you for your post @borderlinebunny. I agree with many of your points, especially about the stereotype and with how doctors will label a difficult patient with BPD out of frustration. My therapist does not believe in BPD as a valid diagnosis for many of the same points you raise; she believes it's an outdated diagnosis that's too frequently misdiagnosed when a female patient presents with a history of abuse who have some emotional instability, self-harm, and an eating disorder or addiction, if a doctor simply feels that she just has too many problems to bother with individually.

I have reason to believe my ex may have BPD because it's the only way that his behaviors seem to make any sense. He was not loud, never really "acted out", did not act like a "psycho" and hit me, etc. I know what you're saying about everyday people trying to "diagnose" their exes with BPD. I've seen some posts on this message board that seem that way. However, the pattern of my ex's behavior toward me over the course of our relationship is concerning and I've tried to figure out what the problem is (he refuses to speak to me), and after doing a ton of research I've ended up here. I'm not trying to slap a label on him; I'm trying to understand. If he does ever come back, I want to extend an open hand rather than a fist despite how badly he's hurt me, you know?