Athena Silver
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: December 31, 2016, 04:34:12 AM » |
|
I've always been very close to my Aunt, who has BPD. She is essentially my best friend and considers me her soulmate. Predictably, her romantic relationships have never lasted. However, my grandfather (her father) was a stabilizing force until his recent death. The upside to losing the grandfather I adored is that when my aunt goes on "a tear," as we call it, she doesn't have a hostage who's emotional welfare depends on me catering to her. When she goes on a tirade, I listen supportively, try to avoid getting drawn in to her traps, then stop answering the phone until her messages and Facebook posts normalize. Once she snaps out of it, she never holds a grudge.
I know how to identify these traits well enough that I was able to recognize them in a friend, ten years ago, before learning of her official diagnosis. However, 2 years into a highly tumultuous relationship, I realized tonight that my boyfriend has BPD. I guess I strongly associate it with women.
Our therapist suggested the possibility to me recently. But, I didn't give it much thought until tonight. I talked to him over FaceTime for several hours. The first half was calm and productive. He was hearing me. I asked him to evaluate the difference in himself. He agreed that the usual noise in his head that drowns me out was, at that moment, inexplicably quiet. He had no idea what caused this or how to recreate it. Later, I made a reference to sex. I felt as if I could actually see the switch in his head flip. His words and body language gave no indication of change. The biggest indicator was that glassy, disturbing look in his eyes. He got much quieter and only responded to me after long pauses. The wheels were turning in his head. Once he's in that state, I either acquiesce to him on all matters or he lashes out at me. I've been trying to end this relationship, intermittently for months. So, I am past the point of acquiescing. In fact, I am constantly on the brink of rage.
I hung up on him, gathered my composure, and texted him instructions on what has to happen before I can feel safe even to talk to him. This included therapy, DBT classes, and consulting his favorite authority, google, on Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personalities. Finally, after 2 years of drama, it all came clear to me. He has BPD, in addition to the ADHD and depression, of which we were aware.
I feel so dense.
Here I was, resenting the fact that I was dividing my time between 2 self-consumed drama queens who terrorize me with threats of suicide and undermine me with self-sabotage. How did I not see it? Unlike my aunt, my boyfriend holds a grudge long after the episode passes. He also goes beyond suicidal threats to actions. I have had to lift him from a sitting position in the middle of an interstate access road, and heard about him taking half a bottle of Ambien. He also abuses his psych meds and takes double or quadruple doses at will.
At 37, I have survived a quantity of medical and emotional trials that are highly unusual for my age. Some of those are because various personality disorders are rampant in my family. Patsy Cline's "Crazy" was the my brother and my private joke and the anthem for our childhood. People marvel at my level-headedness and "relative normality," amidst my upbringing. I am strong, empathetic, and patient, so I attract unstable people. I am also, perhaps relatedly, chronically ill. I have terrible trouble enforcing boundaries and I know it takes a toll on my emotional and physical health. I had to stop talking to a close friend with BPD, 7 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. I would never abandon my family, but that means my drama allotment is always in use.
I'm finally getting back on my feet after nearly a decade of illness. They were lonely years of bedridden isolation. Finding love, after all that, was a beautiful surprise.
He adores me. He's never been in love and the intensity of it has led him to make some absolutely terrible choices. He's 58 and no one has ever loved him enough to call him on his behavior. Thus, he only started therapy last year. He wants to get himself under control. He's planning to start DBT classes very soon.
I try to leave, he wears me down, I take him back. Eventually, this pattern will break me. Do I walk away from the man I love and would gladly spend my life with to avoid the man who's robbing me of joy and making me miserable?
|
