Please help me

[Jester20]

Hi everyone,
I am new here. I'm afraid this is going to be a long post but I want you to know all the details so you can help me; or at least I hope.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years. I quick review of him over 5 years. 2010 back surgery for slipped disc and met me... .2011 we get married
2012 ongoing back pain and we are asked to leave our house we rented as we live in an area that is being developed... .he goes completely catatonic for 1 year and on-going pain issues... .2013 ... .he finds out his dad went missing in the states ( his dad had bipolar and was an alcoholic)... .his mum declines to have him back there to help with things and he tries to commit suicide ( I feel this is when I should have left)... .goes into a deep depression... .pain issues ongoing... .2014 his dad is diognosed with cancer and he flies home to nurse him in his final weeks... .ongoing pain issues... .comes home after 6 weeks and has a melt down which sees the police at our house and the mental health crisis team who he has been under since his suicide attempt... .2015 drs agree to re scan his back and a huge kidney stone pops up on the CT... .referred to urology and they need to do surgery to remove it because it is huge... .1cm... .he comes off of oxycodone... .takes 5 months. Now during this 5 year period as well as all this other stuff I've labelled above here has been a huge stress on me, we argued and hurt each other... .I retaliated as I didn't want to let him think he could treat me like that. I mean he said some really nasty stuff... .all of this resulted in me removing my wedding ring 2 years ago and we have also been sleeping seperatly for 2 years.
August 2016 has kidney stone out and to present day is medication free apart from antidepressant... .he was on like 8 pain meds daily! He is now walking our dog 5 miles per day ( previously couldn't even walk for 5 minutes! ) so this is a huge difference. He was diognosed with BPD last spring and is now in a programme exspeically for this... .it's a commitment... like a 3 year commitment. He has lost 2 stone and is talking about being back to work this year.

SO, this all sounds great and we haven't argued since he got off the narcotics. Only issue is... .I'm not sure if we have anything left... .I think we damaged everything too much. I know I am strong after everything we are still under the same roof. But I can't envision us being 'together' again like that.  My energy levels are low... .I cannot / do not have the energy to carry on. I feel like 1 small thing is all I'm waiting for to give me a reason to ask him to leave.

I lost my mum and brother over this. I've argued really badly with his 'mum' just a few months ago and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.
I feel like I'm settling for this now because compared with the nightmare we have lived with for 4 years from 2011 it's like a walk in the park.

I don't know what I want anyone to say... .I just needed to get this out.
Thank you for reading

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Portent]

The first thing you need to work on is yourself.

I would suggest you start looking for groups, therapist, and a hobby, as well as start reading. Everything you can find her and also the books recommended, stop walking of egg shells, stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist etc.

As far as groups go NAMI has groups for family members. That has helped me a lot.

Find a mindfulness meditation group. You can try and learn it yourself but it so much easier with human guidance.

Do what you like to do. My BPDw found me in dance class. I loved dancing. It was my community. It was also the first thing she started to pull me from as she isolated me. Whatever you used to do before get back into it. Or find something you have always wanted to do.

You have to repair yourself. A pwBPD will tears apart who you are. They find any flaw they can like a small crack in solid rock and begin to break it apart. Since there is always a grain of truth in what they are attacking you over you take responsibility for it. Overtime your self-esteem self-worth and confidence are totally eroded.

I'm guessing you are just like me. You are a caretaker personality. Thats a good thing. You are inherently a good person and that is why you've ended up where you are.

[ArleighBurke]

Falling out of love with someone, then trying to get it back is a hard road. You will be carrying lots of hurt over the past - can you overcome that? I'm not quite sure how, but I think you need to go down a road of forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for the past, and forgiving him for the past. Can you do that? Then, regaining the love, I think starts with the little things. Note the lovely things he does. Focus on the good. Thank him for small things. Smile. Let yourself enjoy him company in larger and larger does. Very small steps of appriciation will build up.

[Jester20]

The first thing you need to work on is yourself.

I would suggest you start looking for groups, therapist, and a hobby, as well as start reading. Everything you can find her and also the books recommended, stop walking of egg shells, stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist etc.

As far as groups go NAMI has groups for family members. That has helped me a lot.

Find a mindfulness meditation group. You can try and learn it yourself but it so much easier with human guidance.

Do what you like to do. My BPDw found me in dance class. I loved dancing. It was my community. It was also the first thing she started to pull me from as she isolated me. Whatever you used to do before get back into it. Or find something you have always wanted to do.

You have to repair yourself. A pwBPD will tears apart who you are. They find any flaw they can like a small crack in solid rock and begin to break it apart. Since there is always a grain of truth in what they are attacking you over you take responsibility for it. Overtime your self-esteem self-worth and confidence are totally eroded.

I'm guessing you are just like me. You are a caretaker personality. Thats a good thing. You are inherently a good person and that is why you've ended up where you are.

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Yes; I do have the caretaker personality... .I am a nurse ( not psyche). The trust that provide his therapy also provide a family support group that meets with family etc every fortnight for 2 hours... .I have been in contact with them and will attend their session 1 week Wednesday... .I'm not sure what to expect. They said the group is made up of about 20 people. Many parents of children with this, SO's and younger adults with parents. You can talk as much or little as you want. So I will see how I feel.

I am aware of the book not walking on eggshells... .it has been on my amazon list for a good year. I do not know why I haven't brought it.
I just feel so angry maybe buying it will feel like I've given in to his disorder ... .and I know that's not the way to see it but I'm just so bloody angry at the moment I don't even want to care.

[Jester20]

Falling out of love with someone, then trying to get it back is a hard road. You will be carrying lots of hurt over the past - can you overcome that? I'm not quite sure how, but I think you need to go down a road of forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for the past, and forgiving him for the past. Can you do that? Then, regaining the love, I think starts with the little things. Note the lovely things he does. Focus on the good. Thank him for small things. Smile. Let yourself enjoy him company in larger and larger does. Very small steps of appriciation will build up.

Mi don't know if I can forgive him. I feel like if ok forgive him then that's saying everything that has happened is ok? It's not ok... .he has never acknowledged any of this. Never apoligised, what is forgiveness? I thought I forgave him at one point then it was obvious by my actions I hadn't.

[ArleighBurke]

From www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.