I have never been so beat up in my life as now

[DaisyMe]

I do not have the time to post a very good introduction, but I did want to start this asap, as I really need feedback.  I was in a years ago that was with a very sick individual psychologically and I knew that what I went through with him was in the end for me to see myself and how I react as a people pleaser, peace at any price was my heart felt motto.

Now, years later, and with a dear man, I have moved back to my home town where I am close to my parents (my mother just passed one month ago) and my only sibling, a younger sister.  Realizing that this too is to help me see what sickness my dear family really nurtured and fostered and what my sister has become living here so very long has been helpful.  HOWEVER, I am very beat up by her and have recently come to consider that perhaps she has BPD.  So many of the ways that I am manipulated and adjusted and corrected, sat on, spat on, and loved dearly and affectionately all point to the ways I feel threatened, misused and unable to figure out what I REALLY WANT FOR ME!  I do have to help with family obligations more because of my father's aging, and the details surrounding my mother's passing.  IN ALL OF MY YEARS I HAVE NEVER FELT SO BEAT UP AND LEFT FOR DEAD AS DURING THESE PAST FEW MONTHS, especially very recently.

I really need to learn how to let go of trying to please everyone else and learn to be proactively energized instead of being frustrated and anger on the inside, while kind and thoughtful, bending over backwards but never doing or being enough on the outside.  I have become a turtle and have never felt I could have true connections with people, though that is my real desire, as people always seem to turn on me.  It is like I have set myself up for never having self gratification for the sake of others, yet inside I am dying, lonely, embarrassed and still fighting to recover what was taken from me as a very young child.  So I need help knowing how this looks internally.

Any response will be helpful.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi DaisyMe! 

First I wish to give you a heartfelt welcome to our online family.  Next, I wish to offer you a hug because I think you can definitely use one.   This is a wonderful online family of members who have gone through or are going through a relationship with a pwBPD. I am really glad that you have reached out to us. There is a lot of very helpful and educational material all throughout our site. If you start over on the right--->> in the column, click on any topic and a larger explanation will pop up for you to read.

My dad died in August of 2015, and my uBPDm died in 2012, so I can understand some of what you must be going through right now: the very challenging experience of grief. It is a tough time, everyone going through it experiences it in their own unique way, yet we know that there are common factors for all. I felt a lot of fatigue and the inability to deal with anything beyond the immediate have to's, and even those were taxing for me. How are you doing through this grief process?  Please remember to be kind to yourself especially during this time.

Relationships can be tough while you are walking in grief, no matter how good or strained they may be. I think it is wonderful that you are gaining insight into your sister's behavior. How did you hear about our site? Know that both you and your sister will be experiencing a lot more challenges as you grieve, and while it is tough, some of it may be harder because of the intense emotions you'll both be going through. Hang on, come here and read and post and let us know what is tough for you. We are here to help.

 
Wools