Crossing the divorce threshold

[Violinplayer]

My wife underwent surgery a few months ago and "flipped."  (It was a landmark in her cancer treatment and remission.)  First she requested an open marriage; then she requested space; then she lost herself in MMO games and texting/sexting.  She selectively  remembers my worst traits and acknowledges nothing of my value.  Appears deeply contemptuous but denies feeling so.
I moved out of the bedroom but have since stopped accommodating her, so now she says she wants a divorce but refuses to discuss details or timelines.

Fjelstad's book was my first introduction to BPD.  Most of the patterns are deeply familiar, even though a few are not.  (E.g. I have been suicidally depressed in the past whereas she has never been that I am aware of.)

I love my wife deeply and don't want a divorce, after being together for 25 years, but she is unequivocal that all paths lead there, and she wants no part of counseling.  She is willing to plod along and continue stonewalling, so now I'm afraid to face the new reality that I may simply need protect myself and my kids by taking action on my own.

As a backdrop to all of this is her new friend whom she idolizes, who seems to have it all together and can do no wrong... .and yet seems strangely manipulative to me.  Got my wife into gaming and multilevel marketing and all that stuff.  I try not to be suspicious, but something doesn't add up.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Violinplayer,



I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is breaking down. That is so very painful. Especially when someone you've been with for 25 years changes her behavior so dramatically, and won't commit to improving the relationship. In your shoes, I'm sure I'd be struggling to hold it together. 

How is your support system? Do you have friends and family whom you can turn to?

How old are your children? How have they reacted to mom's "new" behavior?

Keep posting. It helps to share. Members here have been in similar situations and understand. And the site has tons of tools and resources to help you through this. You are not alone.

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey VP, Welcome!  I'm sorry to learn that your marriage is crumbling.  I agree that the focus needs to be on you and what you can do to protect yourself and your kids, as you note:

I may simply need protect myself and my kids by taking action on my own.

Needless to say, you can't control or change your W and she seems unwilling to work towards a solution, which is something you may have to accept.  See: the Serenity Prayer.

What is the best path for you at this point?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Violinplayer]

I don't know why I felt emboldened this morning, but a I had a rational conversation with her about moving forward with the divorce.  We agreed that it has nothing to do with what I want and everything to do with achieving the healthiest possible environment for our kids (11 yo boy, 6 yo girl) given the failure of our relationship.  We agreed to sell our home in the spring, when the market is up, and to move the kids when school is not in session.

I can endure cohabitation knowing what is in my future.

Right now, I don't fully trust her with the kids, but I do know she is at her best in mama bear mode.  I take some solace in that given that the kids will prefer to live with her.  If she gives me cause later on, then I will not hesitate to sue her.  For now, I will watch, wait, and conserve resources.