Magnet theory and NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When people ask me why I still miss my BPD ex boyfriend and why I need to have no contact with him, I try giving them the drug analogy. I tell them it's like I l have this drug addiction and I'm now in rehab and if you bring me in the vicinity of the drug again, I will falter.

But I think a better way to put it would be magnets. My bf and I were exactly like magnets. Not just being physically attracted to each other, but any time we were in contact, no matter how hard we tried to be just "friends" we were propelled to one another. There was absolutely no way we could be in the same vicinity, social circle, or in any form of contact without being a couple. That's why no contact is so important. Being friends, no matter how much we thought we could do it, was never an option. Contact would just mean being pulled to each other again no matter how detrimental or dysfunctional our relationship was.

On another note... .I really miss my magnet.

[mevz]

When people ask me why I still miss my BPD ex boyfriend and why I need to have no contact with him, I try giving them the drug analogy. I tell them it's like I l have this drug addiction and I'm now in rehab and if you bring me in the vicinity of the drug again, I will falter.

But I think a better way to put it would be magnets. My bf and I were exactly like magnets. Not just being physically attracted to each other, but any time we were in contact, no matter how hard we tried to be just "friends" we were propelled to one another. There was absolutely no way we could be in the same vicinity, social circle, or in any form of contact without being a couple. That's why no contact is so important. Being friends, no matter how much we thought we could do it, was never an option. Contact would just mean being pulled to each other again no matter how detrimental or dysfunctional our relationship was.

On another note... .I really miss my magnet.

[JJacks0]

Both good analogies, mevz. I'm sorry, and I know how you feel.

I miss my magnet too. 

[GuySmiley]

We miss them and go back to them for our fix - it feels great but also hurts because it will never be the same again. Then when we're apart we feel empty and it hurts like hell. And it's this hurting that we equate with love. If it hurts so much, we must love them, right? Any relationship worth a damn you have to suffer for, because no good thing should come easily.

We mistake this hurt for love. As much as we think we do, we don't *really* love them, we're just addicted to the pain it causes us. It's this pain that we associate with love because it's what we've carried with us since childhood where we were never given the love we needed as children.

You can guarantee your BPD other isn't feeling the same hurt or longing for you - out of sight, out of mind.

[FSTL]

Magnets... .great way to look at it. We couldn't break up (even when we met other people) until I decided to do it, despite her dumping me all the time, only to reel me back in or me chase her. I still hear from her (she actually rang yesterday), but I always wait before replying and do it on my timetable so she isn't getting instant gratification and I am mentally prepared for it. Over time I am hoping the remaining drug will wear off and I certainly wouldn't see her in person unless I absolutely had to and was mentally on my game (we work for the same business).

[Stripey77]

Hi all,

Guy smiley, I really think we need to be careful before making sweeping statements and laying them down as fact, tempting as it is to think of all BPD sufferers as a single entity, and likewise with us 'nons'.

I think the magnet is quite an appropriate analogy, and in fact a much nice than the drugs one so often made, and  I also miss my magnet, every day of my life. Some days of my life, he propels his way back towards me. The last year and a half have shown me that this happens, eventually, irrespective of whether I text/message him, speak to him, see him, or not. Whilst I'm quite sure (and in fact know from things he's said to me)  that my being consistent in my approach to him has helped to establish a more even keel, and kept me in some ways 'in mind' it is  not actually necessarily the case that we are 'out of sight, out of mind'. After 6 months of ST and being disregarded by my ex, when he broke his silence with me, (and I made no contact having been blocked on nearly every channel) he was keen to show me his house, with all of my things and gifts to him still intact there. And more recently after another period of very limited contact, when I saw him on Christmas Eve he made it clear he had been thinking about me, and that there was something specific he wanted to ask me. It might well be the case that if we are out of sight, we are 'less in mind'... .but one could argue that this is the case for human beings in general anyway. Experience has taught me that actually, it's far more to do with when HE feels ready or wanting to talk to me, that he will make an approach and has nothing really to do with anything I've done.  We really can't guarantee anything at all that our exes are thinking or feeling, only try to make educated guesses.

It's equally dangerous to assume that everyone here has suffered a neglected childhood. I for one most certainly didn't suffer from a lack of love in my childhood, or adulthood.  And I can categorically assure you that I don't associate pain with love, and I'm not looking for a next 'hit' of pain. Not in a million years would I have thought I'd have ended up here. Two years ago I had never even heard of BPD, and I certainly didn't go seeking a relationship that would cause the maximum amount of pain because 'that's all I've ever known'. Just like anyone else, I've had a mixture of all kinds of relationships in my life, and some have been pretty stable, and lovely. All that's happened, in my case at least, is that I've got caught up in something pretty unusual, an emotional whirlwind and yes, some very dark and painful times have resulted from it.

Remember, when we entered into these relationships, we didn't know, or probably hadn't even imagined in our wildest dreams, that they would unfold the way they did. I pursued my relationship and allowed it to blossom because it was exciting, lovely, beautiful, and made me feel cherished, wanted and amazing... .the things I believed and believe to be traits of falling deeply in love.  I didn't pursue it because it caused me pain! The reason so many of us are caught up in an endless cycle of being picked up and put down... .drawn to our magnets, so to speak, is because we're trying to recapture even a bit of those wonderful feelings of being in love... .not the opposite. At least, that is the case for me!

To the OP... .it's an interesting analogy as I say... .my ex even said to me on an intense nights' talking when he broke his silence "there IS an attraction".  Ha!

[FallBack!Monster]

When people ask me why I still miss my BPD ex boyfriend and why I need to have no contact with him, I try giving them the drug analogy. I tell them it's like I l have this drug addiction and I'm now in rehab and if you bring me in the vicinity of the drug again, I will falter.

But I think a better way to put it would be magnets. My bf and I were exactly like magnets. Not just being physically attracted to each other, but any time we were in contact, no matter how hard we tried to be just "friends" we were propelled to one another. There was absolutely no way we could be in the same vicinity, social circle, or in any form of contact without being a couple. That's why no contact is so important. Being friends, no matter how much we thought we could do it, was never an option. Contact would just mean being pulled to each other again no matter how detrimental or dysfunctional our relationship was.

On another note... .I really miss my magnet.

AMEN

[Soulcrushed4]

I'm in a place currently of realizing I don't actually miss HIM.
I miss my idea of what could have been, my dreams,  or what was very sporadically when he was in between addictions or affairs or other supply sources or distractions, what he treated me like in the moments I walked on eggshells "just right" or stuffed my own needs, feelings or beliefs down or was simply to exhausted from the level of chaos he introduced into life that I did anything or nothing to just have a moments peace, or trying to ensure some level of normalcy for the kids ... .only to have it all blow up again when he felt too engulfed. Lather Rinse repeat.

The relationship was INTENSE but it wasn't mutually loving, respectful, honest etc and I mistook the potential or the lip service and promises of what could have been or could be instead of focusing on the reality of what was. Granted with all the lying, deception, secrecy, acting out, push pull I truly lost touch with my own feelings and allowed my boundaries to be pushed so far for someone I normally would not even give the time of day to as our lifestyles and values and beliefs truly do not mesh. Over time his spoken and unspoken threats of the price I would pay for ending things truly were ever present.

I truly in the end started to integrate his stated viewpoints, beliefs and ideas into my own psyche and felt like if I only tried harder, did more, validated more, met his sexual needs regardless of my personal situation and adopted the "radical acceptance" of his supposed inability to stop or even truly work towards stopping lying, cheating, using people, stealing, sneaking around, surfing porn and hook up sites and acting out. He reminded me how awful I was and unloveable and how no one in my past had tried to stay with me the way he did (by recycling me). I was convinced foolishly that his words of "fighting for us" was true when it was just part of the cycle.

I have had no contact with him for 4 months except one appearance in court. He on the other hand has constantly breached a no contact protection order and it is ALL about him. Everything is "I, I, I, me, me me" ... .all about his feelings, his thoughts, his stuff in that MOMENT. Because despite continuing to profess his LOVE for me he's off dating and carrying on the way he did our entire "relationship" but of course he continues to lie about it. And despite his willingness to play the victim regarding me "withholding" his child he's certainly not been asking about said child. Or doing things to establish himself as a good influence or roll model etc... .simply checking off the boxes for those he needs to convince he's on the right path that don't truly know what he is capable of and the lengths he will go to in meeting his own "needs" regardless of collateral damage.
 
It took a bit of me sitting back and asking myself at the beginning what did I miss? Being lied to? Cheated on? Disrespected? Used? Stolen from?
I made the mistake in his active addiction phase of adopting the adage "don't hate the addict hate the addiction" and it seems to be prevelant in the mental health community as well indicating the nons need to seperate the behaviours from the person and not take it personally... .so I struggle with this because at what point are they one in the same and choosing either by not seeking or accepting treatment or using the diagnosis as an excuse instead of a starting point.

There was a supposed "connection" but it wasn't based on anything of substance, at least it doesn't seem mutually based as he had no problem connecting with anyone anywhere and perhaps that's part of the original appeal. Now I see it as a huge red flag because sitting back and realizing it's a lot of mirroring/masks at least with my dBPDex takes away some of the shine. It has been a bitter pill to swallow realizing how thoroughly I allowed myself to be conned and accept that at some point I was conning myself in a way. There was no meant to be or happily ever after to be had.

For me no contact is self preservation- the mind games, lies and deceptions are just never ending and the pleasure he seems to derive from getting ANY response positive/negative is not worth the price of admission. I've learned that I wanted so badly for a different outcome that I stopped accepting the actions for what they were and gave the words too much weight. And the words were ever changing depending on the audience.

The police and crown and justice system doesn't seem to understand the need for NO Contact enforcement  to include via text/email/FB or anything right now as it is the emotional damage that is harder for me than the physical danger he presents when dysregulated.

Sorry for the long winded post... .
Whatever anaology speaks to you for remaining no contact then go with it! Even if people don't understand at least you are trying to do what is best for you.

[FallBack!Monster]

This post got me to thinking.
In spite of every thing I've read about BPD/NPD tactics. How they toy with your emotions etc. Also why they are able to keep doing it, even after the mask slides off. Why we stay and so on.  The part I could not swallow is that something was seriously flawed with my character and childhood wounds might have left deeper scars in me than I ever thought. Or that I needed as much therapy, blah blah blah. Well, maybe so. But not the way it's defined and certainly not for the reasons I was made to believe. I mean I just couldn't see it.

I think highly of myself. I may be a bit shy but not noticeably. Not to the extent of calling it a low self-esteem. However that's what is said. If you meet instable folks, see red flags and don't run, you're more F'ed up than them or you have some Personality issues of your own. Who doesn't, right?
 But I still wasn't convinced. Then I read this post and the interrogation /bright light came on.
The reason why I kept going back. Could not stop thinking about her. Why sexually she drove me nuts. I knew it wasn't just about sex. Not about missing a person that wouldn't help me up if I had fallen and could not get up on my own. I knew she wasn't here to stay. I can go on but the point is... .
Her eyes!  What about them?  She looked at me the way I perceive myself. She spoke to me of me the way I see myself. She touched me correctly; not too much too too little.
Bottom line, the magnet... .The drug ... .
I thought she was worth the trouble (crazy or not) bc she acted as if she saw in me what I see in myself. My beauty and strengths. Talk about mind f***ed.

So, is that good high worth a couple of distressing moments? (my stupid a*s asked my self). Sure why not !(said to myself).
The problem came about once the idealization phase was over.  I was feigning for that feeling of someone sweating me the way I sweat myself. And the fear from the new look in her eyes. I was seeing her but not the drug. The was no longer looking at me. I knew if I couldn't trust her when she was sweating me, wow what about later when she was sweating someone else.
 I knew I will probably Not never find anyone normal that will ever love me as much as I love myself bc most normal folks with a good sense of self are busy loving themselves as much as I love myself. 
And that's OK
But thanks to this post, I realized why even almost 2 yrs (1.5 not involved) later I am still somewhat mentally stuck in this situation.
Hahaha, I thought someone saw in me what I see in me. Which also explains why I have not been in that many r/s all together. AND NOT BC I have low self worth. But bc I think so special of myself that if you can see me I don't wanna FK with you . 

Yeah I do have issues.