What would be your last words ever to an uxpwBPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If you knew you were going to talk to your ex, undiagnosed person with BPD.
For me I know it will be the last time ever. She done went too far this time.

What would you say?
Would you tell them?
Would you answer at all?

My ex initiated no contact but I know she will be reaching out soon. I want to be prepared with the last thing I will ever say to her.

First thought is something mean, but that isn't me. I want to take the high road.
I was thinking something like,

XXXXX, I was at one time your closest and most trusted friend. If you have ever believed anything I have ever told you, believe this.
I am certain you have Borderline personality disorder.
Please seek treatment, for your own sake, your family's sake, and the sake of any future friends and partners.
Best of luck to you,
XXXX

Thoughts?
I know she won't believe it. Maybe in 20 or 30 years she will go crap, he was right.
Or maybe not, but I would at least feel like I tried to help her.

[Hisaccount]

If you knew you were going to talk to your ex, undiagnosed person with BPD.
For me I know it will be the last time ever. She done went too far this time.

What would you say?
Would you tell them?
Would you answer at all?

My ex initiated no contact but I know she will be reaching out soon. I want to be prepared with the last thing I will ever say to her.

First thought is something mean, but that isn't me. I want to take the high road.
I was thinking something like,

XXXXX, I was at one time your closest and most trusted friend. If you have ever believed anything I have ever told you, believe this.
I am certain you have Borderline personality disorder.
Please seek treatment, for your own sake, your family's sake, and the sake of any future friends and partners.
Best of luck to you,
XXXX

Thoughts?
I know she won't believe it. Maybe in 20 or 30 years she will go crap, he was right.
Or maybe not, but I would at least feel like I tried to help her.

[In a bad way]

I tried that it made it worse, she's never contacted me since.

[ynwa]

I would choose nothing.  No words.  No finality.  There is nothing I could say or should say to my ex that closes the door.  I'd always wonder and want to say something different, and in the end would it matter to them?

[MiserableMostly]

Yeah I every few days I think of something new that I'd say to my ex. The script constantly changes. But over time (especially after reading so many stories to confirm this) I realize there is nothing to say. They are incapable of introspection. They are incapable of admitting fault. They just do what they want based on how they feel at all times. There is no other reality for them. Nothing you say will make a difference because they don't deal with logic, they deal with feelings.

You'd like to think your ex would hear this diagnosis and it would be some kind of bombshell revelation. But in actuality it will probably make her FEEL angry. And when she FEELS angry she has to seek out the source of that anger and destroy it... .namely YOU. If you tell her she has BPD she's just as likely to accuse you of having BPD painting you totally black and then perhaps even engaging in a smear campaign. Anything to destroy the source of this new FEELING.

So, for me,  I think I've come to at least understand from a logical standpoint that saying ANYTHING is useless. It's futile. What do I want from her? I want her to get healthy, not have BPD, and be my girlfriend. There's nothing I can say to accomplish this. There's nothing I can say to accomplish anything. Any rehashing, blaming, digging up the past will get me farther from that goal than I already am. And that goal is impossible to begin with. So what would I say to her? Nothing. I just hope that my heart catches up to my brain in case she reaches out to me first.

[ACObound]

I totally concur with what everybody is saying,  Even the mere mention of "talking to somone" sent my uBPDw into a rage.   What's the saying,,, think of something clever to say but think of it  time enough not to say it.

[once removed]

its important to be more mature in the aftermath of the relationship than we were during, much easier said than done, but something youll be very grateful for one day, even long after you have recovered and healed.

First thought is something mean, but that isn't me. I want to take the high road.
I was thinking something like,

XXXXX, I was at one time your closest and most trusted friend. If you have ever believed anything I have ever told you, believe this.
I am certain you have Borderline personality disorder.
Please seek treatment, for your own sake, your family's sake, and the sake of any future friends and partners.
Best of luck to you,
XXXX

the high road to me sounds more like releasing with grace: wishing well, nothing more. when our relationships end, the power struggle is over. whether our partners seek treatment or get help is no longer our concern. furthermore as has been said, this is not at all likely to be well received. as someone who was at one time her closest and most trusted friend, if you do have a final conversation and want to offer something that might help, release with grace.

[FallenOne]

Well, mine was diagnosed... But my last words to mine unfortunately were "take your painting you b$%#h!" as I threw it out the front door behind her as she walked away and left me for the 3rd time in 6 months... .

Yeah... I kind of regret that it ended that way, but I was angry and she gave me no closure, no good reasons for leaving me, and it was not a mutual thing...

There were a few text messages after this, but those were the last words in-person...

What would I say if I saw her again? As of right now, nothing... She has a restraining order against me... If it's ever dismissed and she decides she wants to talk to me, I have no idea what I would say... As of right now, I have no desire to ever speak to her again. I have respect for myself and she clearly had none for me, so she can go to hell...

[Hisaccount]

the high road to me sounds more like releasing with grace: wishing well, nothing more. when our relationships end, the power struggle is over.

Yeah, I think you are right. This is the better choice.
to say anything else I am not letting go, I am trying to help or fix her. Which she will take as abusive, controlling and manipulative.

I appreciate everyone's responses, I enjoy reading them.

My son confirmed who my replacement was last night. Every time I think she doesn't have this BPD trait or that one, then bam another box gets checked.

Still I am happy, I am looking towards the future with excitement for the first time in 13 years at least.

[Pretty Woman]

I would wish her well and that's it.

It only hurts me to hold on to resentment towards her. Her leaving did me a favor. We would have still been in the whole "push-pull drama-filled mess. I would have likely ended up completely broke and unemployed. I was suicidal at one point in our relationship. I would have likely ended up dead.

My life is inherently better now, THRIVING that she is not a part of it.

I'm actually thankful for that. She taught me a lesson... .never allow yourself to be treated badly by anyone.

And I won't.

[FallenOne]

I would wish her well and that's it.

I know wishing them well is the right thing to do... But, at least right now, I'm having trouble with that idea...

I wanted it to work SO BAD and I tried SO HARD that I am disgusted with the idea/possibility of her living happily ever after with someone else besides me... .

The thought that she could change and improve only wants me want her back even more so that I can do a better job than what I did the first time... .

I'm far from perfect. I don't put all the blame on her... I know I made mistakes... But, I had no idea what I was even dealing with for the first few years. I thought it was anger management? I thought it was a phase. She never even told me what she had at first... I didn't even know what BPD was. How could I have known? I treated so many situations poorly because I was uninformed...

Now that I know so much about it, it angers me to my core and makes me so depressed that my final shot at the relationship was too little, too late, and that If I had known what I know now sooner, it might have worked...

I can't shake the idea that if she's going to be happy, I want it to be with me...

[Hisaccount]

I can't shake the idea that if she's going to be happy, I want it to be with me...

I know this feeling very well. I promise you she will not be happy.
Tell you something funny that happened.
Ex broke her phone last week. Kind of strange, had the phone for over 3 years, been dropped and abused and never broke before. She started being really nice to me after. I of course offered to buy her a new phone. She declined.
I knew she was calling and texting my replacement like crazy.
My oldest boy last night told me she visited my replacement the same day her phone broke.
When her and I were on the phone while dating, when she got mad she would throw her phone, and sometimes repeatedly until she broke it.
Coincidence?

There is no happily ever after for these people. Let go and move on. As hard as it is to do. No matter what it costs you. Get out.
Love life again.

[ShadowA]

I love you, but for the love of all... Please get help.

[jonmnemonic]

I've rolled this one around in my head for a while and the best I could come up with for our final encounter is to give her the opportunity to say whatever she needs to say, with a time limit, and then tell her not to contact me again.  There are lots of things I'd like to say but only a sane, rational person would be able to properly process and respond to them.  There really is nothing she is capable of saying that I want to hear and there's nothing I can say that she would hear without being triggered.  In the end there really is nothing more left to say.

[Pretty Woman]

Jon,   

Matt, detachment is a process. I am out of my relationship going on 2yrs. I know how you feel, I remember it.  Every once in awhile I feel badly, even to this day, but I know this person is not good for me and you will get there eventually... .

[FSTL]

There is no happily ever after for these people. Let go and move on. As hard as it is to do. No matter what it costs you. Get out.
Love life again.
[/quote]

I ran into my BPDx last night. She is doing therapy (I got her into therapy and am still paying for it... .) and has a new BF. It made me mad at first that she would be happier (she seemed happier), and all because of the therapy that I got her into and am paying for ... .

But then I sat and listened and, whilst she had gotten some benefit from her CBT, it became clear she still hung to rage, dysfunctional thinking, anger, people pleasing, projection, black and white thinking, lying and a rage of other things.

She is only mildly BPD, but it will clearly take years of therapy for her to change. A more serious case must take much longer.