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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: It never ends Feeling so hopeless  (Read 477 times)
Weary1402

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« on: January 26, 2017, 02:14:44 PM »

I have tried no contact. She finds a way to get past it. It seems to make things worse for me. The more out of control she feels the more terrible things she does to get back at me. I am keeping her unblocked to keep her from ruining my life. I admit it is a huge struggle for me to let this relationship go for some ridiculous reason I can't seem to over come, but the more crap she does to me the less I have feelings for her. Well, just different ones. If I point out the things she does and how it is destroying me, she threatens suicide. She will go as far as getting hospitalized for taking just enough pills to make her unconscious but not enough to kill her. I'm controlled by guilt and fear of what she will pull next. Last night was another long night not knowing if she went through with her threats or not. Then she shows up at my house. My daughter was home so she knew she had to leave, and did. I feel like I am 90% to a place where I can say no to her and feel like I'm almost over wanting to be with her. I have come a long way. My counselor says I have ptsd and should consider taking some meds to help me through this time. That just makes me mad. How in the world did I let this happen? What is wrong with me that I became addicted to her? How will it ever end? As much as it will hurt I hope she finds someone else so she will let me go. In the mean time she sabotages my moving forward. I just want to feel happy again.
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infjEpic
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In a new relationship
Posts: 245


« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2017, 08:28:22 PM »

I have tried no contact. She finds a way to get past it. It seems to make things worse for me. The more out of control she feels the more terrible things she does to get back at me. I am keeping her unblocked to keep her from ruining my life.

How is she getting past no contact?
Block all forms of communication.
If she sends a letter to your house, send it back unopened.
If she calls to your house, refuse to open the door and inform her you will have to call the police.

Do not let her inside your house under any circumstances. You could potentially be accused of physical or sexual violence.
Whatever you do - do not have sex with her.

Excerpt
I admit it is a huge struggle for me to let this relationship go for some ridiculous reason I can't seem to over come

It's not ridiculous. At all.
We have all thought that thought.
We have all written those words.

You're addicted to adrenaline, serotonin and oxytocin.
All of us have experienced it.

But you can and you will overcome it. Your daughter comes first.

Write down a list of all the horrible abuse you have endured. Any time you feel weak - read it.

You deserve better.

Excerpt
, but the more crap she does to me the less I have feelings for her. Well, just different ones. If I point out the things she does and how it is destroying me, she threatens suicide. She will go as far as getting hospitalized for taking just enough pills to make her unconscious but not enough to kill her.

This was very hard for me to accept from counsellors - it's against my nature.
But here is the fact: If someone truely wants to kill themselves, nothing you will say or do will stop them.

You cannot be responsible for another adult.
Your daughter is your first priority.

Excerpt
I'm controlled by guilt and fear of what she will pull next.

She is controlling you. It's called FOG [Fear, Obligation, Guilt]

BPDs are masters at generating toxic shame and guilt within their victim.

Excerpt
Last night was another long night not knowing if she went through with her threats or not.

I've been there.
She never went through with it.

I reached out to her family who barely batted an eyelid. Clearly, - in retrospect - it wasn't their first time.


Excerpt
Then she shows up at my house.

Call the police, get a restraining order.

You are placing yourself in grave danger by allowing her to be in your vicinity.

Once the suicide threats stop, they frequently graduate to more vindictive measures, such as false allegations.


Excerpt
My daughter was home so she knew she had to leave, and did. I feel like I am 90% to a place where I can say no to her and feel like I'm almost over wanting to be with her. I have come a long way. My counselor says I have ptsd and should consider taking some meds to help me through this time. That just makes me mad.

I consider myself essentially 'over it'.
I couldn't say with 100% certainty though. Probably never will. We are all human.

90% is good enough. Now it's up to you, to enforce it.

Excerpt
How in the world did I let this happen?

You're human. Just like the rest of us.
You were conned. Just like the rest of us.

You have nothing to be ashamed about, or feel guilty for.

Excerpt
What is wrong with me that I became addicted to her?

Ask me that 9 months ago and I'd give you a list as long as my arm.

Now I would say: nothing.

Excerpt
How will it ever end?

It will end, when you decide it ends.
That means Full No Contact, and whatever measures are required to enforce that, such as restraining orders and whatever else.
The sooner you leave the devaluation phase, the sooner you get to the recovery phase.

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Weary1402

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2017, 09:44:20 PM »

Thank you infjEPIC, i am also infj  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Thanks for taking so much time answering my post. I appreciate your insight. It has been a really awful 2 years. I guess not awful enough or I would have walked away a long time ago. The first 6 months is what hooked me. But it quickly went we out of control and I've been trying since then to get out.
She has been blackmailing me for a year about something that will cause great pain in my life... I'm mostly just afraid of that happening. It's a horrible prison to be in. Today since I wouldn't speak to her she send my a picture of a bullet with "I love you" written on it. Seriously? WHO DOES THAT?
If I block her from my phone she just makes her phone not show caller Id and it comes through. I use my phone for business so I can't shut it off. She will call 50 times in a row. You can't really block email, it goes to junk.  She would lose her career if I call the cops so I haven't.
But I'm getting to the point where the consequences I will pay will be worth getting her away from me. So I will need a new phone number for starters.
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infjEpic
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In a new relationship
Posts: 245


« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2017, 10:40:06 AM »

Thank you infjEPIC, i am also infj  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Thanks for taking so much time answering my post. I appreciate your insight. It has been a really awful 2 years. I guess not awful enough or I would have walked away a long time ago. The first 6 months is what hooked me. But it quickly went we out of control and I've been trying since then to get out.

I understand completely.
But getting out is not something she will ever facilitate.

That decision can only come from one person, and that is you.

(p.s. INFJs seem to be most vulnerable to BPD abusers, there is definitely some sort of pattern)

Excerpt
She has been blackmailing me for a year about something that will cause great pain in my life... I'm mostly just afraid of that happening. It's a horrible prison to be in.

I had similar.
I had no idea why back then - but I bared my soul to my BPDex. I chose to tell my BPDex about an episode of abuse in my childhood.
Something I'd never told anyone.

I had felt resolved about it, until she managed to open old wounds and make it an issue again.

After she had accused me of domestic violence, she came back to the house with her 2 Flying Monkeys.

She then did her utmost, to provoke me into assaulting her.

She said in the most spiteful manner - "I don't have to keep your secrets anymore"

I decided I would no longer let her have that power over me.

So I said it, right in front of her friends. "So you're threatening to expose the abuse in my childhood?"

Not only did it eliminate her source of power, it shocked her Flying Monkeys.

Not long after that, she descended in a mouth foaming rage, calling me a 'scumbag' among other things.

She was furious that she couldn't provoke a reaction from me.

I told her to remove her property from the house and leave, or I would call the Police.

And if it ever came back to me, that she had exposed my secret, I would be taking immediate legal action for defamation and/or extortion.

Excerpt
Today since I wouldn't speak to her she send my a picture of a bullet with "I love you" written on it. Seriously? WHO DOES THAT?

A disordered person who does not love you.
A disordered person who wants to manipulate you.

I would report it to the police as death threats.

Excerpt
If I block her from my phone she just makes her phone not show caller Id and it comes through. I use my phone for business so I can't shut it off. She will call 50 times in a row. You can't really block email, it goes to junk. 

You need to change your number, not block her.
My ex used 12 different phones to ring me.

Let the email go to junk, or change email address.

Ignore the email. Never reply under any circumstances.

Choosing to read her emails, is akin to choosing to drink poison.
This is how she will continue to manipulate you. Never read them.

Ignoring her, will likely provoke more extreme behaviour, such as showing up at your house.
This is when you must call the police.

Excerpt
She would lose her career if I call the cops so I haven't.

I had partially guessed that.
Unfortunately, you're re-enforcing her behaviour.
Not only is there no consequence for her actions, she knows that with enough attempts, she will eventually be successful at reaching you.

I'm not criticising you - because I've been there. I understand what it's like.

But only you have the power to make it stop. She never will.



Excerpt
But I'm getting to the point where the consequences I will pay will be worth getting her away from me. So I will need a new phone number for starters.

In retrospect, I would look at it from another angle: The consequences you will pay - mentally, physically and emotionally - for not getting away from her - are likely to be more severe, than any alternative outcome.
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