Despairing & Torn

[Faith_88]

Hi Everyone,

I am desperate for some help here  I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, and have never fully understood why we have such a stormy relationship until now. I am 90% sure he has BPD, having read about it the symptoms completely explain his behaviour - the hypersensitivity, the 'no-one understands me', the tantrums of 'you just don't want to understand' when I respond with sense when he's upset. I am increasingly worried for my own sanity (I have noticed a gradual descent into emotional despair myself the past few years) and believe we may also have a co-dependent relationship. It very much upsets me when I think about who I used to be, and who I am now. Not only that, but I find myself wishing for an easier relationship - I know there is no such thing as 'perfect', but I was in a four year relationship before this one and am aware of how a healthy relationship should function.

Previously, I thought my boyfriend and I just didn't 'fit' together as easily as in my past relationship, but now I understand. When things have happened in the past that have been unacceptable and hurt me greatly, I have tried to forgive him and move on to the future together. If I am completely honest, I stayed with him on some occasions because I was worried about his safety. He has spoken of suicide at his lowest points before, and when I try to tell him this is not healthy, he doesn't understand, as this is how he feels - so how can it not be right? Now I know about BPD, I feel as if I'm looking at a life-sentence, not a hopeful future of love and happiness.

Also, he smokes tobacco & cannabis. After a fight the other night which turned into a bit of an ultimatum, he has begun the process of cutting out the drug. He is four days without it now, and it's taking its toll on him already. Any emotional control he has is disintegrating. We both had a very hard year last year, both losing our dads, and he is very angry & upset about his dad's death in particular. It is long and complicated, but he, his mother and his brother were not told the father had even died, and only found out months later. They did not get to go to the funeral. His relationship with his father too (unsurprisingly) was complicated & difficult, so all of these feelings are exploding right now.

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here, and I know that may sound selfish. It's just I feel I was a well-rounded, easy-going, happy and tender-hearted person and I never had addictions or any kind of real hardship in my life. Though it wasn't perfect, I had a warm and loving family environment & childhood - that's another thing, I can't help but resent his mother for leaving him to flounder in life. He's 30 now, and the signs must have been there from is youth, they are present in stories he's told me from his past. She is a quite a poker-faced, aloof person. My mum told her about the time he attempted to jump out of our window (just one of the many traumatic times) and she just said 'oh.' I can't help but feel his mother's lack of emotion has done this to him. Sadly, and of course, he idolises her and feels guilty for the pain he's caused her in the past when he 'went off the rails'. I don't believe he owes her anything, to be honest.

I find myself wishing I was 15 again, in my family home, surrounded by my family and my life still laid ahead. I feel as if I'm 60, and I'm 28. Not only that, but I am now quick to anger, frustrated, despairing and ashamed. I have also realised I dissasociate to cope with the trauma of our relationship.

What I am most worried about regarding a future for our relationship: children. How can I condemn any children we may have to a life like this?

And how to approach telling him that he likely has BPD? Just a disaster waiting to happen.

Any advice would be very much appreciated

Thank you

[heartandwhole]

Hi Faith_88,



You are dealing with a lot, and I fully understand your feeling frustrated and despairing, and relate to your feelings of nostalgia for who you used to be. This is a lot to deal with, and it does take a toll.    You are definitely not alone. So many of us have been in similar situations, and understand what you are going through.

You've found a great place for support. Things can get better for you—there really is hope! As you know, it's not an easy road, but the things you learn about yourself along the way can help you thrive again. The tools and resources here will help in many ways. Knowledge is power. 

You both have just come out of a very trying year of grieving. That kind of loss can send anyone sideways, BPD or not, so I hope you are being gentle with yourself, too. Stress can exacerbate symptoms of BPD as well, as you've noticed.

Have you thought of therapy for both of you, individually? Is your family and are your friends supportive? It's really important not to lose touch with your base of support at times like these.

Before discussing things with your boyfriend, have a look at this video. It is very helpful in explaining why people can be very resistant to hearing that they are not mentally well:

Getting someone into therapy -Xavier Amador, PhD

If you have time to watch it, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Keep posting, Faith_88. It really helps to share your experiences. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Faith 88, You've come to the right place.  We get it and have been in your shoes.  One approach that you might find helpful is to shift the focus back to yourself and your needs.  It's easy to neglect oneself in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Suggest you be kind to yourself as a starting point.  Try to concentrate on what is right for you.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  No, you don't sound selfish.  No, I don't recommend that you tell him that he may have BPD, which is best left to professionals.

LuckyJim

[Faith_88]

Heartandwhole,

Thank you! I watched the video of the talk by Xavier Amador and it was amazing. The roleplay was a brilliant idea but my heart did stick in my throat for a moment with Cecil - how powerful that was. I understand what I need to do now, it's just a matter of weighing up whether I think I am strong enough to do it - forever, without losing myself, and potentially with children. What is the cost of trying so, so hard for someone who won't even realise? Can we really have children happily?

I have suppressed for so long but yes, I do have a support network around me (I've finally realised) and I am opening up to them. even though there's so much worry, now I can see BPD traits, I feel relief. I finally know what it could be, and how I can understand him. Thank you again

Lucky Jim,

Thank you for your kind words I've made the decision to speak to Mind charity here in the UK, look in to therapy for myself and try to return to my best self too. To be very honest, I'm scared to face my gut feelings. I know I have to. It's just - self preservation and all that. My head is saying "Run, run as fast and far away as you can - you can not be happy here." My heart is aching for him, how awful he must feel so much of the time and the could-have-beens. I have decided not to mention BPD to him at all, and to stop trying to make him aware that he may be mentally ill. What a curse Anosygnosia truly is. Instead, I will try my best to LEAP and see if there's a gentle way to get him seeing a professional - and hopefully into long-acting therapy - instead.

  to both of you, thank you for replying.