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[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello folks, im curious how this site works.   Im not new to BPD.   But i just filled for divorce from my BPDw of 24 years, and am at peace with it.   My w was arrested in may for domestic assault and i literally haven't spoken to her since.   Restraining order on her.   She can text me about our daughter and that's supposed to be it.   (Of course she had violated the no contact order with other typical blame stuff) But i put an exception in it that counseling would not violate the restraining order.   I have no hope of reconciling but we are actually going to counseling tomorrow per her request.  She wants to reconcile.   Ithink my purpose is to just to tie up some loose ends.   Tell her iwish her the best,will always love her, want to be fair, but can't live with the volatility.   Im sure iwill catch some heat for it eventually!  Totally unsure how this will go!  Pray for me!  Eetee

[Eetee]

Hello folks, im curious how this site works.   Im not new to BPD.   But i just filled for divorce from my BPDw of 24 years, and am at peace with it.   My w was arrested in may for domestic assault and i literally haven't spoken to her since.   Restraining order on her.   She can text me about our daughter and that's supposed to be it.   (Of course she had violated the no contact order with other typical blame stuff) But i put an exception in it that counseling would not violate the restraining order.   I have no hope of reconciling but we are actually going to counseling tomorrow per her request.  She wants to reconcile.   Ithink my purpose is to just to tie up some loose ends.   Tell her iwish her the best,will always love her, want to be fair, but can't live with the volatility.   Im sure iwill catch some heat for it eventually!  Totally unsure how this will go!  Pray for me!  Eetee

[livednlearned]

Hi Eetee,

What an unusual exception! I am trying to imagine being in counseling with my ex and have a hard time picturing it. You must've done a lot of healing and recovery to arrive at this point. I admire you for being willing to see her and to give yourself some closure.

How did things go in the session?

What kind of heat do you think you might catch for doing this session with her?

LnL

[Eetee]

I'm not sure how to reply LnL.  I'm gonna try the quickreply feature.  Well she isnt my ex yet.  Just started down that path.  I was anxious.  I think i have done alot of healing and ultimately it reinforced my decision.  I was kind towards her.  Gave her a hug.  But once we got 30 minutes in she wanted to argue some things and I said I'm not arguing... .I'll leave.  We have been thru 4 counselors in 4 years.  So I think ive done everthing possible and not playing games anymore for my own sanity and safety and for my daughters' as well.  The counselor asked to schedule for next Friday and I said nonono.  I cant do this every Friday.  I'll come back in three weeks. 

But to answer your other question i think when she sees that she wont get what she wants  (reconciliation)  then she will go on the warpath again.  Thanks for responding LnL. 

[livednlearned]

Not all who go through these relationships have the strength to say "no more."

You turned a corner, and are choosing to take care of yourself and your daughter. While still being able to hug your abuser!

That takes a lot of emotional resilience and maturity

Is your wife diagnosed with BPD?

LnL

[takingandsending]

Hey Eetee.

I am in beginning phases of divorcing my uBPDw, ending 17 year marriage. Doing so for S5 and S11's health and my own health/happiness. I wonder, do you think that your agreeing to counseling or any further joint activity will cause confusion/conflicting feelings? That might be tough even in a normal relationship, but with a person with BPD who already doesn't recognize or understand boundaries, it could be a real trigger. All the advice my lawyer and the posts here seem to say is to keep communication business-like. Extending beyond that is just an invitation for more drama.

My wife and I are using collaborative divorce attorneys, which I have been warned may not be possible with BPD spouse. At least, they have experience with BPD clients and know how to keep communication moving forward (I hope). Still, we see a divorce coach, who is to help us get separated, but my STBxw uses the sessions as an opportunity to point out all of my flaws as a person, partner and parent. The therapist keeps course correcting, noting that is why we are getting divorced and won't life be better when we aren't dealing with that. After 2 sessions, I am at a point of stating I will attend if there is a specific objective (parent plan, division of property plan/housing plan to discuss). Just wondering if your agreeing to counseling is sending the wrong message. Every case is unique, though.

[ForeverDad]

What is the current parenting arrangement and schedule?  Is it enforced as a court order?

I ask because this is my story... .  I called the police one Sunday (why is it usually on a weekend?) because my then-spouse had threatened to kill me.  She grabbed the handset, threw it in my direction, hitting the wall and breaking.  I never saw it again but no one was interested in that.  911 called back to ascertain whether either of us was on drugs or alcohol.  Police arrived, spoke to us separately.  One officer asked me to hand our preschooler (the whole time sobbing and clutching me) over to his mother and "step away".  Well, our son saved me that day from being carted off, he shrieked and clung even tighter to me.  The officer pondered this for a moment, told us to work it out and they left.

But... .I had recorded the incident.  My recorder didn't have a working speaker so I downloaded it, an officer came, listened and said he would take the report.  She was arrested for Threat of DV.  I got possession of the house as the protected spouse.  As soon as she got out she raced to domestic court and sought a protection order from me (tit for tat, I guess, trying to make me look as bad or worse than her) and included our son in her petition.  As required she had to list her pending case number in the other court.  Well, her petition was ex parte and a couple weeks later I was able to appear before the court.  Someone from CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate dropped son from the protection aspect.  To this day I don't know if the magistrate looked at and researched the line listing her case.  He asked only what our work schedules were and since I had a regular work schedule she got temp custody and I got temp alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.

After a few months and hearings he dismissed the domestic court actions say we shouldn't come back except for long term solutions, meaning divorce.  She promptly blocked all father-child contact, even phone calls (on her phone that I paid for).  So I filed for divorce.

After a few continuations we finally had a trial over in municipal court.  She admitted the threats but claimed that was the way we argued.  Once we were done the municipal judge promptly ruled her Not Guilty since she didn't have a weapon in her hands and dismissed the case.  Not a word of warning to her for the future.

When the divorce case was finally heard for temp orders, the same magistrate confirmed from her that she had totally blocked and he said, "I'll fix that."  The new order was almost identical to the first except that this time she got child support retroactive back to divorce filing.  She threatened to kill me, she was arrested, then later she was found not guilty, she blocked my parenting for 3 months between orders, and she had no consequences, well, not at that time and not for any of that.

My point?  Be proactive for what is best for you and your children.  Don't assume that domestic court will side with you when it comes to custody and parenting schedules.  Don't assume a case of DV (between adults) handled possibly in a different court will be judged as actionable or impacting the custody and parenting schedule decisions in domestic court.  Maybe it will, depending on what her actions were, her history and other factors, but don't count on it.  As I father, like many other fathers, I had an uphill struggle to overcome the default preferences mothers traditionally get.  Courts evidently give much more weight to parenting behaviors than to adult behaviors (such as what may have occurred between you and your spouse).

[Eetee]

LNL yes she is diagnosed.  But that was kind of of a long not so funny story.  Our counselor/psychologist told me yes it was obvious   He told her in a veiled way because he said it wasn't important and she wouldn't hear it anyway.  So there was some serious confusion for a while until we pinned him down.  He was elusive about it and that caused some friction between us as you might imagine!  I didnt get his strategy.  I thought she needed to hear it then she could address it.  I didn't know much about BPD at the time.

[Eetee]

     Takingandsending and Foreverdad, I really thought about the possibility of conflicting messages for her and myself.  After that session though I felt relieved that I definitely made the right decision.  I think she is wondering about it also as she texted me if I was still interested in going.  So presently I'm still trying to see if there is any value in a second session. 
     There is a court order.  Let me sum up my story.  My w always struggled with depression and self loathing.  It was periodic and we seemed to get over it.  Aside from a few bad weeks here and there it seemed manageable, especially when she was on meds.  Four years ago she snapped.  She had a bad depressing year and quit work to start her own business.  When she realized her plan wasnt gonna work she just snapped one day.  Her BPD ssymptoms just got worse and we went around and around down the drain.  She got violent and the verbal and emotional abuse was intense.  It got more frequent and her violent cycle was weekly.  Every weekend was hell.  If youre familiar with the cycle of domestic abuse well it was weekly like clockwork.  Monday and Tuesday she was nice... .and heaven forbid if I didnt have sex with her those nights!  Then she would get irritable until Friday... .then watch out.  We are teachers and our school breaks were also hellish.  Last January I was began setting boundaries. I told her if you dont stop berating me I'm gonna sleep in the other room.  She would berate me starting at 11 or 12 pm many nights.  So after the second night of sleeping in the other room we woke up for school.  I started to get dressed for school and she attacked me viciously punched and kicked me probably 15 times then had the nerve to blame me for it!  HA.  I knew I could lay her out and thought about it but I knew the cops would take me away.  The peace of God just fell over me.  I was in shock but I decided to move out for a month initially.  I still came by daily to see the teenage girls.  She attacked me another time when I was there, and I resolved if there was ever another time that I was going to call the cops.  In March I got a smart phone and whenever she got agitated I started to record her.  It worked really well for a while.  She would calm down and go away.  Then she got into a fight with my 18year old and I got her out of there... .she got pissed of course.  I stopped by one day to mow the lawn (literally    ) and she came outside.  I could see she was agitated so I started to record her.  And she just went off!  I recorded the whole thing and called the cops.  I showed them the video and they arrested her.  I got a lawyer after and he said we could have her removed since there was a history of abuse.  So I have lived back at home since May with my daughters.  They chose to stay with me because of her insanity.  I also took care of everything so we could continue to live.  This single parent thing is easy for me I realize cause Ive been doing it for a long time in reality.  It took me a long time to get my heart and my head in the same place, once that happened I filed for divorce.  I'm a Christian and I wrestled with this for a long time.  But I'm totally at peace with my decision and my situation.
     It has been great being home with no w screaming at me.  Peace has descended on the house and we are all starting to heal.  So she cant contact me except thru text and its only supposed to be about my d 15.  And the restraining order keeps her away from the house and from me.
     Now of course is the divorce process which I know can be a nightmare.  I pray we can live amicably but realize that probably wont be the case.  That's my story in a nutshell.  Thanks!

[livednlearned]

How awful, Eetee.  I'm so sorry you had to experience that abuse.

To have a calm peace descend and give you clarity is precious.

And your story is unusual here, in that the courts heard you and did right by you, not an easy thing for a man in these DV dynamics.

Going forward, may you and your daughters heal and draw strength from the suffering you've endured 

[Eetee]

I think its unusual because I had total irrefutable evidence.  The video was everything.  In it I was talking calmly backing up and asking for her to get out of my way so I could leave.  She just attacks as I held the phone out to capture everything.  And I didn't hit her back.  Judicially, she was at my mercy.  I could have really made life difficult for her.  I did press charges because I felt she had to be held accountable.  I did allow the charges to be lowered to Domestic disorderly so she would not lose her job.  And I have custody of the girls.  I tried to explain to her that I showed her mercy in court by doing that and by allowing her to go to our daughter's sports games provided she keeps her distance.  But of course in true BPD fashion she still blames me for the arrest and for court and for all she has lost.  It is really unbelievable.  But that was exactly why I knew she had to be held accountable because she would dismiss everything.  I just thought she couldnt deny it in the face of all the evidence.  I was wrong again!

[ForeverDad]

Typically there are a few core reasons divorce from a pwBPD is so difficult.  Fortunately you have the upper hand on custody.

• Attempts to make you look worse than the accuser, saving face is huge motivation.  Probably you are now blacklisted even more than before also because pwBPD view ended relationships as abusive ones with them as the victims, an aspect of their Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.
• Custody and parenting schedule issues.
• Financial issues - assets and debts.