I've honestly been trying not to argue with my HwBPD. I've been trying to use the tools, to be more empathetic, to listen actively, but sometimes he's so unreasonable, or says things that just set me off. Yesterday, he attacked my friends, unprovoked, calling them names, on a Facebook post I published. I couldn't help but bring it up when I saw him later on that day, which, of course, started a huge fight, where he was roaring at me in the car, and calling me disrespectful names. I DID try to get ahold of myself and deescalate, as best as I could, using a calm voice. It did keep the argument from getting crazy (he was driving, and, when he gets like this, he uses the car as a "weapon" - often scarily accelerating or slamming on the brakes, or pulling over and getting out of the car).
I told myself that my goal was just to get to a week without arguing. If we could do that, I thought that the relationship might be worth saving. I have been trying for a couple of weeks, and we can't even go two days. I'll keep trying, keep practicing, but I just don't know how long I can go. I'm frustrated and just want peace, without this constant chaos. I should be allowed to post my thoughts and opinions on social media without the person closest to me attacking me and my friends. Sigh. Solutions and thoughts are welcome.
Hi,
I can really relate to this. Things have been different for me since my husband got off his opioids addiction that he got whilst being treated for a back issue. He has been off it all 1 year now. He is also in therapy for BPD. It has helped and in 1 year we have had 1 minor argument that didn't escalate like it used to.
Our arguments were fierce, ferocious , nasty, I rose to the occasion ( didn't know he had BPD) I fuelled the fire big time. We couldn't go 2-4 days without these types of arguments and I had a lot of time off work... .from sleepless nights, migraines and just feeling drained... .like I had the life sucked right out of me.
He broke me psychologically, I never thought it was possible to be so broken that I didn't give a flying f***. So, I distanced myself... .in effect I made a whole other separate life for myself whilst he was in a pitiful situation. I went out with work colleagues... .I had my family, I had work! We was already sleeping in separate rooms and I haven't worn my wedding ring for 1.5 years... .I finally felt I had some control over my life. I felt stronger and I told myself never again would this man make me cry, allow him to hurt me. Psychologically I had already mourned for the marriage that wasn't going to be. I stopped thinking about our future, he was/ is just like a lodger ( that doesn't contribute financially, emotionally) and I built my life back... .I asked him to leave many times during the old days... .he wouldn't. Unless he goes back to America he has no where to go here. He can't even get any governement money because he has never worked here so hasn't paid any national insurance.
Of course I'm glad his pain issues are gone, that he is off opiates, that he is getting active and walking our dog 5 miles per day. I'm happy for him that he has a life ... .that he now knows he can have a good quality of life... .that he can do whatever he wants... .but I cut myself off from him in such a big way when he was acting like a nasty little ___ that even though we haven't rowed and he is trying very hard. I don't know, there is a part of me that just feels done!
He knows, he doesn't even need to say anything... .he knows through my silence and my attitude when having conversations with him that he can really NOT expect me to be OK with the first 4 years of our marriage.
A perfect example, he said 1 week ago " are you ever going to wear your wedding ring again?" I reply " well, that depends on whether you want to talk /acknowledge the first 4 years of our marriage" he replies " oh, I don't want to talk anymore"
Only 2 weeks after coming off the opiates he says " I thought we could renew our wedding vows" " is that something you would like to do?" I reply... .( whilst trying to lift my jaw off the floor) and you really think that is a good idea?" " I can think of nothing worse in my whole life than that right now!"
You would think I have some issues with forgiving don't you? You would be right.
BPD or not... .not anywhere is it acceptable to marry a women and within 3 months start psychologically abusing her, put her under severe financial pressure,
He said, " why can you not forgive me... .because if you cannot forgive me we cannot move forward" this is true. I understand. I'd like to know why he feels my forgiveness is essential when he cannot even apologise for how he has treated me. Not once has he said sorry for anything. He told me recently he did appreciate my help on helping him get back to being active ... .we walk and can do 5-7 miles now... .he couldn't walk for 10 minutes over a year ago. Whilst he was talking to me about this he also said... ." the first year of our marriage I had a return ticket... .I could have gone back at any point in that 12 months" the point he was making was that he didn't... .my reply " why didn't you go back" ... .
Yeah, unfortunately he lost me.
