Next attempt to get him out...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I wanted to put in writing my plan for him leaving. I've been at this juncture so many times and have caved in. I hate myself for it. I think it is something to do with childhood and attachment to father and he needed me emotionally and I couldn't just turn away and say no.

The pattern is that he plans to get on a flight for Europe where he has some quasi-work meetings and a woman he stays with and is involved with.  He has a panic attack of an extreme kind (losing his voice, or needing medics at airport due to panic), and returns.  I am jealous of this woman and pissed off that he uses me, and perhaps her, at the same time. Ick. Ugh.

I can't figure out why I put up with it, except that I am starved for some affection/attention and want to avoid facing some of the seriously difficult parts of my life. I guess those are good enough reasons for it, eh? Oh my.

Plan--he is supposed to go to the airport tomorrow. I will tell him that if for any reason he doesn't go, he needs to stay at his friend's house (where he prefers not to stay and friend may be conflicted about him being there).  Then lock my door. If he has an anxiety attack, he needs to call his friend, not me.

I guess the chink in my armour is if he is in a crisis-y panic state. For me to say no, go somewhere else-- feels like I am cutting him off and ending things. And there is a difficult underlying reason I haven't been able to do that. What is that reason? I guess I am afraid of the "no contact". I have known him almost 7 years and don't have anyone else I am close to. ( I have lots of friends but not locally).  It is a big loss. It scares me--the reality of what I've done by staying with him, and so I don't want to face that.

I know that liberation also comes with ending this. It is just hard to imagine the emptiness. The gaping hole. I don't want to enter into it. How do I get the courage?

Peace.

[anna58]

I wanted to put in writing my plan for him leaving. I've been at this juncture so many times and have caved in. I hate myself for it. I think it is something to do with childhood and attachment to father and he needed me emotionally and I couldn't just turn away and say no.

The pattern is that he plans to get on a flight for Europe where he has some quasi-work meetings and a woman he stays with and is involved with.  He has a panic attack of an extreme kind (losing his voice, or needing medics at airport due to panic), and returns.  I am jealous of this woman and pissed off that he uses me, and perhaps her, at the same time. Ick. Ugh.

I can't figure out why I put up with it, except that I am starved for some affection/attention and want to avoid facing some of the seriously difficult parts of my life. I guess those are good enough reasons for it, eh? Oh my.

Plan--he is supposed to go to the airport tomorrow. I will tell him that if for any reason he doesn't go, he needs to stay at his friend's house (where he prefers not to stay and friend may be conflicted about him being there).  Then lock my door. If he has an anxiety attack, he needs to call his friend, not me.

I guess the chink in my armour is if he is in a crisis-y panic state. For me to say no, go somewhere else-- feels like I am cutting him off and ending things. And there is a difficult underlying reason I haven't been able to do that. What is that reason? I guess I am afraid of the "no contact". I have known him almost 7 years and don't have anyone else I am close to. ( I have lots of friends but not locally).  It is a big loss. It scares me--the reality of what I've done by staying with him, and so I don't want to face that.

I know that liberation also comes with ending this. It is just hard to imagine the emptiness. The gaping hole. I don't want to enter into it. How do I get the courage?

Peace.

[formflier]

I know time is short... .so I'll be a bit more direct.

I would avoid "drawing lines in the sand".  That will only serve to increase anxiety on both sides.  Rarely a good thing.

I would not suggest in any way that he will not be successful in his trip.  :)on't mention past problems.

I get the mixed feelings about another woman.  So... .focus on him and travelling safety.

"I hope you have safe and easy travels.  It would mean a lot to me to let me know when you get to your destination"

Leave it at that.

There is something going on with you about your ability to stand up for what you want.  You clearly want him out.

Can you turn off your phone... .and perhaps spend a night at a hotel... .take a couple good reading books with you?

Trust that he is an adult and can care for himself.  YOU need to care for yourself.

If he needs a medic... .or the ER... .he seems to be able to manage that ok.

How does this sound?

FF

[anna58]

He left and is on his flights to get to Europe. It went smoothly. There was no need to set any big boundaries, etc.
I have a lot of anger that was never expressed to him because there was a lot of walking on eggshells and he was often in crisis and demanding my attention.

I feel sad, scared, angry.

Thanks for your direct and supportive note.

[formflier]

 
Does he have a key to your home?

FF

[formflier]

  There was no need to set any big boundaries, etc.
 

I'm going to challenge you on this.  Luckily there is no rush... .but there is a definite need for you to think deeply about this for a while.

My take.  There is an obvious need for "big boundary enforcement".  My take is that you had boundaries, but made a choice not to enforce them.

You seem quite aware of when he is "inside" your boundaries because you don't like it and have been able to clearly articulate when he does things that you don't like (because they are inside your boundaries).

Yet, you made a choice not to enforce your boundaries.

My challenge is that you spend time understanding your choices.  Then decide on a way forward.

I see two healthy options.

Decide he can come and go as he pleases and you will be ok with it. 

or

Decide he is on the outside of your boundaries, until such time as his choices match your values.

Last question.  How do you think you will feel about the relationship in 1 year if you continue on the same path you have been on?

 

Relationships are not easy.  Especially boundary enforcement.

Last question:  What can you do... .tonight... .to surprise yourself and treat yourself right?  Splurge... .you are worth it! 


FF