I gave up my life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If it's something that I am appreciating now, it's contact with "normal people". It hurts me to put it like this, as I have been an advocate for not judging mentally ill people for such a long time now... .

I'd like to say that I am still not judgemental, but man... .my last relationship has broken me to the bone. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I have lost three or four years with family and friends. My career has been on hold. I've aged like 10 years physically. I've lost my drive.

I know not everything is because of an unhealthy relationship but sometimes I really ask myself: how much should we sacrify ourselves. Is there a limit?

I know he didn't have the intention of ruin my life. I really do believe he wanted to make me happy. to make our lives better, to live in joy and in love. I do believe that. And in some way I have to believe that not to go insane.

I guess I just wish there were a more general awareness of mental illnesses. For both does affected and for us who indirectly are.

Don't know about you, but when I finally realise the extent of my partners problems, I find myself totally alone. I distanced myself from my family, and my friends. My whole life circulated about this one person and his needs.

Emptiness is what makes me keep coming back to him. Everything else is lost. With him I never had to think twice what to think about. He always involved me in financial problems, legal problems, relationship drama... .or basically anything.

There were no time for this existential angst. And the regret for this years I didn't stand up for myself.

It's really hard this thing, isn't it... .

[ateu]

If it's something that I am appreciating now, it's contact with "normal people". It hurts me to put it like this, as I have been an advocate for not judging mentally ill people for such a long time now... .

I'd like to say that I am still not judgemental, but man... .my last relationship has broken me to the bone. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I have lost three or four years with family and friends. My career has been on hold. I've aged like 10 years physically. I've lost my drive.

I know not everything is because of an unhealthy relationship but sometimes I really ask myself: how much should we sacrify ourselves. Is there a limit?

I know he didn't have the intention of ruin my life. I really do believe he wanted to make me happy. to make our lives better, to live in joy and in love. I do believe that. And in some way I have to believe that not to go insane.

I guess I just wish there were a more general awareness of mental illnesses. For both does affected and for us who indirectly are.

Don't know about you, but when I finally realise the extent of my partners problems, I find myself totally alone. I distanced myself from my family, and my friends. My whole life circulated about this one person and his needs.

Emptiness is what makes me keep coming back to him. Everything else is lost. With him I never had to think twice what to think about. He always involved me in financial problems, legal problems, relationship drama... .or basically anything.

There were no time for this existential angst. And the regret for this years I didn't stand up for myself.

It's really hard this thing, isn't it... .

[heartandwhole]

It's really hard this thing, isn't it... .

It really, really is, atë. I'm sorry you are feeling broken.   

I can definitely relate. It takes time and patience to get through this, and lots of compassion, especially for yourself. There is hope, though. You can thrive again. I hope you are being gentle with yourself as you recover.

How do things stand now with your ex-partner?

heartandwhole

[WishIKnew82]

Exactly! How I felt. Still feel sometimes.
Feeling guilty about wanting to help but just being lost myself after years of pushing all of who I was to the side.
Especially when the person who is mentally ill doesn't have much support from other people. You feel you are the only one and need to be there for them or else they will be all alone.
At the end of my relationship I was praying for other people to just do a small part of the help. Not even for him. FOR ME! I needed other people to jump in so I could breathe. It did not happen. And I ended up being a destructive force myself. I feel like 5 years of my life have just dissapeared. Like really. If someone would ask me what I did, I have absolutely nothing to tell them. I was alone, with him. Those were my five years. I might've well been in jail and just got out. Nothing happened in my life and I was totally isolated.

I was also totally in all he was doing. I was busy all day with him. Not a moment to myself or even my own thoughts. Just like you said, everything revolved around his life, his issues on all things imaginable.

I will say this though. You will feel lost in the beginning. Don't force yourself to be something right now.
It took me a year before I started searching for work. It took me more then a year to pick up my studies. It really is baby steps. I still haven't regained my social life. Not able to just yet. But I have been able to enjoy my family again and do small things for myself like shopping and reading. The best thing I have regained though is the ability to dream again. My own dreams.

I wish you the best. You seem so sad. But just know that you will feel much better.
Are you still in contact with your ex?

[earlyL]

I absolutely agree with you and sound like we are in the same place right now. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I, like you truly believe my partner loved and wanted the life we talked about, but somehow had to hit the self-destruct button before we got too far.

I hate thinking of other people in the same pain, but thank you for your post, it is so hard to explain to friends and family and it feels like we push them away with the never-ending drama.

Keep posting and much love

LW

[ateu]

"Especially when the person who is mentally ill doesn't have much support from other people. You feel you are the only one and need to be there for them or else they will be all alone.
At the end of my relationship I was praying for other people to just do a small part of the help. Not even for him. FOR ME!"

Thank you for posting, this is how I feel. Exactly. I am even reaching out to his friends who gave up on him long time ago. Telling them "he really needs it", but in reality it's about me. He builds it up, like no matter if we break up, I am somehow tied to him. Responsible. Even though I rationally know I am not, I am so exhausted trying to find ways for him to move forward. So exhausted hearing threats of killing himself... .and then he goes off for a day. Usually I just then hear a message "I went out with some friends"... .all while I thought he had slit his wrists... .again.

Then after being sick with worrying for several days, he just tells me "you don't care anyway".

And I am ending up in the conclusion that after his mother died, I am maybe the only one who does care. His closest friends turn on him because he is to demanding... .And I understand them.

So it is me. And his new love interests probably. But I don't know this. He keeps telling me I am still all he has. I suppose he does this to others too, but I can't be sure. Have not had concrete proof since I read his social media about a year ago.

The insight that I was just a brick in his game destroyed me, but for some reason I keep coming back. This last year the closest family he had has died. And I still remain in contact for this. For some reason I want to help him (with clear boundaries)

But who am I kidding. I am nothing anymore, just trying to do anything to help him.

How did this happen... .I don't know

[ateu]

Thank you all for posting!

This truly is a lonely business and I am so happy to have found this place.

Friends don't get it... .they just don't understand the psychological terror. The guilt you are made to feel for no reason.

They just say "leave him", like it were that easy.

I read somewhere here, and it feels a bit bad to repeat it but it really made some sense with me: "I don't feel like I am breaking up a relationship. I am abandoning a retarded child".

This seems harsh, but be really can't do anything without me. Not pay his bills, not cook, not make any future plans, not stop taking drugs... .

It feels like cutting him off for good will lead him to a certain death. But I don't what will happen if I don't.

And my friends ask me: "Is this what you wanted?"

And the answer is: "No". I wanted what he seemed like in the beggining, but not this. Not the drama, the guilt tripping, the cheating, the way he uses me, the way he uses my money, the way he ... .doesn't give me time to be me.

And he made me feel selfish about it.

I am selfish, because i don't accept other girls/drug abuse/financial distress/irresponsible behavoir.

somehow he made it into my mind. Like I really am to blame.

But I am not. I am not. I am not.

Repeating.

[Aesir]

I feel the same way. I spent years trying to help or prop her up while my own needs were neglected. The burden never lessened but increased and I got lost in the struggle. Her constant depression and self esteem issues too a toll. There was no time for my own issues because HERS always took precedence. After everything I tried to do I was ATTACKED because of it.   I felt that even if she couldn't lean on her relatives she had ME... That was a mistake.

In the end you can't save or help someone that don't want to be helped. I learned the hard way that you have to decide what your breaking point is. If you keep going through that cycle your ex will drag you down so deep you may never climb back out. In the end their lives are no one else's responsibility and you have a responsibility to yourself.

[ateu]

In the end their lives are no one else's responsibility and you have a responsibility to yourself.

This. is. what. we. must. understand.

I see men and woman and everything in between alike having the same problems. There is a reason we end up on a page like this, and the reason is them.

At this moment I am telling myself this, over and over. "He has to take care of himself." But while saying it I know it can't happen. He can't. He just isn't fit for it.

So I start praying, "I really wish he find someone else".

And so it goes.

At one point, I am sure, I will be at: "I hope I survive this".

And so will you, if you don't take care of yourself. As we have seen on this page, it has no gender, no sexuality, no religion, no race. It takes just anyone and it will drag anyone down with it.

I sound harsh again, but I am feeling this is sink or swim for me. I got to let him go. Maybe it's the same for you... .

[ynwa]

Hey Ate,

He is not disabled, he is disordered.  I know it's not easy to let go, but he was disordered before he met you? 

We mention detachment and disengagement on the board.  This is for us, to find space in our own compassion to put ourselves first.  It's stepping away from he moment, to see the bigger picture. 

You have been through a lot and should give yourself credit. You are not broken. 
While your friends may not understand it, they can help you find and work towards who you want to be from this point forward.

Do you think if you stay, he will actually get better? Or will it just get worse for you?

[vortex of confusion]

At this moment I am telling myself this, over and over. "He has to take care of himself." But while saying it I know it can't happen. He can't. He just isn't fit for it.

What did he do before he met you? Seriously think about that.

I know how easy it is to think that. I was with ex for almost 20 years. Even now, I am a bit terrified at what kind of bonehead decision he is going to make next. Last night, he slept in his van in a parking lot because I wouldn't let him sleep on my couch. It was really, really difficult to make that decision. It was not easy in the least. Everyone I have talked to says that I need to stand up and hold firm, especially if I want him to get help. He has no reason to get help if I am continually rescuing him and taking care of him. I have to tell myself that walking away is not only what is best for me. It is best for him. Yes, it is one hell of an ego boost to feel so important. One of my best friends told me that one time, "Get your ego out of this and let him fail." OUCH!

At one point, I am sure, I will be at: "I hope I survive this".

That is where I am at now. I hope I survive all of this. It is so painful to have to set boundaries and walk away. Maybe you can suggest resources for him or something.

I sound harsh again, but I am feeling this is sink or swim for me. I got to let him go.

It is sink or swim. I know that I reached a point where I had to let go for my own sanity.

[ateu]

sk a really valid question: ":)o you think if you stay, he will actually get better? Or will it just get worse for you?"

To that question I will answer both from experience and with intuition. It will get worse for me. He is who he is. Seems so simple when I say it like that but I think that is the truth.

I am educated and employed and can take care of myself. He can not.

"What did he do before he met you? Seriously think about that."

vortex, also completly vaild question. He was feeding of someone else, that is the answer.

Might sound weird, but if I am about to leave him. I must be able to accept that he might kill himself. His life is at stake.

At this point it is. Even though I broke up, I made sure he had financies for some months. For four months I paid him... .I suppose it was also to get rid of his complains, even though I listen to his crises.

Can I do this? Can I live with his possible death?

This is what I am feeling. No excitment. No joy. No future plans. Just this: "I hope he doesn't kill himself on my watch"

There is no point talking about happiness. Not about my ideals of a partner, not about his. Not about anything. We don't talk, it's just a constant chaos.

And as of recently my collegues talked about some guy talking a girl on a date to a not so fancy restaurant. And all I felt was... .he could take me anywhere... .to McDonalds... .wherever... .as long as he stopped being suicidal and asking me to bail him out everytime. I am soo looking forward to the day he takes me to McDonalds.

I am a sensitive person. I don't know how long I can take this.

[vortex of confusion]

Might sound weird, but if I am about to leave him. I must be able to accept that he might kill himself. His life is at stake.

It doesn't sound weird at all. Lots and lots of people stay because an ex has threatened suicide. Ex made that threat a time or two. He stopped it after I told him that I would be calling the authorities if I heard him make a threat like that again. A suicide threat is serious business. He kept doing it because he could see that it was working to keep me right where he wanted me. When it stopped working, he stopped doing it.

Has he made threats to you before? If so, how did you handle it? Did you baby him and coddle him until the crisis passed or did you call an ambulance or police to come help him?

Can I do this? Can I live with his possible death.

The life choices that he makes are not your responsibility. I know how difficult it is to feel like you have to take care of him and watch over him so he doesn't hurt himself. I took a straight razor away from ex one night and then sent him to bed like a child. I was so convinced that I had to baby him and care for him.

At some point, I got fed up and I stopped. I called his bluff. Now, he has a completely different tune. Most people that commit suicide don't talk about it or jump up and down and make a big deal about it. They plan it quietly and everyone is shocked. I have a couple of family members that did that. They didn't jump up and down and threaten to kill themselves. They just did it and nobody had a friggin' clue that they had been planning it. All threats SHOULD be taken seriously which is why you don't need to be responsible for whether or not he hurts himself. That is a manipulation tactic on his part.

This is what I am feeling. No excitment. No joy. No future plans. Just this: "I hope he doesn't kill himself on my watch"

I used to be there. Now, I have reached a point where I am fed up with his games and manipulation. It is NOT my job to watch him. It is NOT my job to care for him and baby him and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. He is an adult. If he can't act like it, then there are agencies out there that can help him. I am done. After 20 years, I am done. If you are not there, that is okay.

See his behavior for what it is, it is manipulation. Nobody wants to feel responsible for the death of a loved one. That is natural.