Swimming in glue

[foggydew]

Friend is in therapy for 8 weeks, has left me with several tasks but no real information, and said he didn't really want phone calls during the first period. However, previously
he asked me to visit. Well, it is the festive season, time for gift giving, and I have bought him a book and made a non-alcoholic cake, and I'd like to deliver it in person. Long way to drive. Yet I'm afraid of my reception. Will he speak to me? Will I get the semi-silent treatrment like last time? Is a surprise better or should the visit be carefullly organised? Everything feels so difficult without information. How can I show that he is an important person to me without triggering his fears? And I don't want to be used or have the feeling I'm a nuisance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[foggydew]

I called his mum. Thery have no plans to visit him till in the New Year. How is he supposed to feel important? Ok, swallow whatever my fears are. I constantly imagine he has contact to his family... well, it isn't so.

[wren1]

swimming in glue is a very apt way of putting it ,it really feels like that dealing with the episodes ,my advice is to write a letter ,be positive,complementary dont make any promises but remind them you think their great be sincere , if you havent been well received in the past try a different approach love and self preserve!

[Jessica84]

I know this feeling - they say one thing but you think they mean another. Or that they meant it at the time but no longer do. Or something else.

Stop following the bouncing rubber ball. You're not a mind reader. Get unstuck. You can always send a text to check his temp. But whatever he does will likely depend on his mood at that time, and that is hard to predict. So clear your head, then do what YOU want. Let it come to you. Until you can do this without being 'glued' to the outcome (his reaction), you will stay stuck.

[foggydew]

Thanks, wren and jessica. Both very helpful comments, and I'll try to do the essence of both. I will go, but make visiting the area and enjoying myself the main aim. I will keep contact to those who don't appreciate me short. But I will keep contact... for me. Whatever I do, I will always be the 'unneccesary one' because there is nowhere I am really integrated. So I have to invent my role for myself, and enjoy it for myself, and fulfill it for myself. After a lifetime of 'giving and fixing' it is not so easy to do a 180° turn, but there seems to be no other way. In that way I can stop following bouncing balls. Complimentary and positive - great that he made it so far without medication, great that he helped me at a time in my life when I no longer wanted to exist, great that he is trying to make a big change and he has enough will power to do it and put himself in the hands of experts.
Life is for living. I'm going to give it a try.

[foggydew]

He sent me a mail asking me to buy things for him on my way down south. This I think is a kind of manipulation... .no personal comment, just the bare bones. He will expect me to pay. He does not contact me, only a few words occasionally in reply to greetings. I willl go south, buy the stuff, and visit friends there. And I will drop the things off at the institute where he is. Maybe laugh at him a bit for expecting me to play Santa Claus. Nothing serious. I am very fond of him but I do want to have other, pleasant, things in my life. Really going to have to relearn how to deal with the drama. Having to practice with my stepdaughter, who can be similar, and who is trying to get closer and closer to me. I'd SO like to have contact to uncomplicated people!

[foggydew]

Well, visited him, and it went very well. He is doing well, fitting in well, was very friendly and pleased to see me - the facade even cracked a bit and he showed emotion and gave me a real hug instead of the alibi one. So far so good.
Second visit was ok, brought things I had forgotten before. BUT. I think I need a new thread for this topic. I'm so annoyed with myself.

[foggydew]

Update... .little contact seems to be beneficial. I do my best to look after his interests but don't put myself out too much, seldom contact him directly or visit him. He posts on social media partly obviously to contact me and reassure me. This low contact reassures us both, I think... and I have to trust him to do his best. He finishes his rehab end of this week, so then the really difficult part starts for him.
For me, I have been able to engage with other people, partly through lucky coincidence, but it helps a lot, and MY abandonment fears are quieter. Somehow he seemed to feed them through his push pull ... .yet, when something really unpleasant, stressful and frightening happened to me, he was one of the first to call and talk to me. So, at the moment, the developments are positive. Let's hope they continue so.