New to the group

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone!

Where to begin?

I am in the middle of a divorce (now at 18 months) from my wife, who has Borderline tendencies, if not undiagnosed BPD. We were married for 18 years, after dating in college and marrying shortly afterward. I have always felt driven to care for her needs over mine, and as I entered my forties began to realize a few things. I realized I had not been happy in our relationship for quite some time, and entered therapy myself to figure out what was wrong with me, and what I needed to do for myself. I began to realize my own "savior" tendencies, and how they impacted both my ability to care for myself, and how that well could run dry.

Shortly after entering therapy, my step-father, who was somewhat abusive and conservative, died unexpectedly. I had always considered myself bisexual, but living with him and growing up in the 80's had made that disclosure seem impossible, and living authentically even more so. After my step-father's death, I began to feel more freedom to be myself, which naturally caused further conflict with my wife. We discussed my sexuality, and how to express it in a healthy way, but our relationship entered an even further tailspin. I physically left our relationship nearly 2 years ago, and have since entered a healthy and loving relationship with a man who understands both me and my wife's BPD. He has willingly taken on a step-father role to my 3 children, who seem to adore him as much as I do.

The problem is that my soon to be ex-wife has also entered a crisis point for herself. She obviously sees me as the problem, both with our marriage and with our divorce. Her acting out behaviors have gotten much, much worse and she is dragging out the divorce as long as she can. I have engaged an attorney, a parenting coordinator, a forensic CPA, and a mediator. Her attorney seems to enable her further behavior, and is unable to rein her behavior in, even when threatened with legal action. My ex has now refused to continue with the parenting coordinator, and just recently has began bad-mouthing the CPA. She has NEVER had anything good to say about my attorney. I expected all of this, and am keeping records about the patterns of her behavior, and so far we have avoided court hearings.

Y'all, I am exhausted with all of this. I was exhausted with the relationship for years before leaving it, and I had hope that by leaving I could escape some of the trauma and abuse I had been tolerating for so long. Obviously, that was overly optimistic, and the abandonment my ex is feeling has ramped up her BPD behavior. I am continuing with therapy, and with the careful legal planning and maneuvering; I am doing my best to take care of myself, while still nurturing my children and my new relationship. I guess what I'm looking for here is some glimmer that this will all get better. I know I will always have to deal with my ex, and I am learning how to set limits and boundaries. I just feel like constantly being on guard and defending my limits is so much work. Any thoughts for me on how to DO this, and how to balance it all?

[EWJones]

Hi everyone!

Where to begin?

I am in the middle of a divorce (now at 18 months) from my wife, who has Borderline tendencies, if not undiagnosed BPD. We were married for 18 years, after dating in college and marrying shortly afterward. I have always felt driven to care for her needs over mine, and as I entered my forties began to realize a few things. I realized I had not been happy in our relationship for quite some time, and entered therapy myself to figure out what was wrong with me, and what I needed to do for myself. I began to realize my own "savior" tendencies, and how they impacted both my ability to care for myself, and how that well could run dry.

Shortly after entering therapy, my step-father, who was somewhat abusive and conservative, died unexpectedly. I had always considered myself bisexual, but living with him and growing up in the 80's had made that disclosure seem impossible, and living authentically even more so. After my step-father's death, I began to feel more freedom to be myself, which naturally caused further conflict with my wife. We discussed my sexuality, and how to express it in a healthy way, but our relationship entered an even further tailspin. I physically left our relationship nearly 2 years ago, and have since entered a healthy and loving relationship with a man who understands both me and my wife's BPD. He has willingly taken on a step-father role to my 3 children, who seem to adore him as much as I do.

The problem is that my soon to be ex-wife has also entered a crisis point for herself. She obviously sees me as the problem, both with our marriage and with our divorce. Her acting out behaviors have gotten much, much worse and she is dragging out the divorce as long as she can. I have engaged an attorney, a parenting coordinator, a forensic CPA, and a mediator. Her attorney seems to enable her further behavior, and is unable to rein her behavior in, even when threatened with legal action. My ex has now refused to continue with the parenting coordinator, and just recently has began bad-mouthing the CPA. She has NEVER had anything good to say about my attorney. I expected all of this, and am keeping records about the patterns of her behavior, and so far we have avoided court hearings.

Y'all, I am exhausted with all of this. I was exhausted with the relationship for years before leaving it, and I had hope that by leaving I could escape some of the trauma and abuse I had been tolerating for so long. Obviously, that was overly optimistic, and the abandonment my ex is feeling has ramped up her BPD behavior. I am continuing with therapy, and with the careful legal planning and maneuvering; I am doing my best to take care of myself, while still nurturing my children and my new relationship. I guess what I'm looking for here is some glimmer that this will all get better. I know I will always have to deal with my ex, and I am learning how to set limits and boundaries. I just feel like constantly being on guard and defending my limits is so much work. Any thoughts for me on how to DO this, and how to balance it all?

[Mutt]

Hi EWJones,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. I think that is the most difficult part, as you say the BPD behaviors are ramped up, she wants attention. I don't think that boundaries are exhausting to defend, I think that what is exhausting is the emotional barrage that she's putting you through, I can see how it's difficult setting boundaries when were not used to them, it becomes second nature. 

It sounds like she's dragging it out because it still means that there's an attachment there that she doesn't want to let go. think of it this way, have you been in a street fight? That adrenaline rush that you feel? 

I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. The best combo is seeing a T concerned with a support group. You're not alone.

I'm happy to hear that you're taking of yourself throughout this difficult ordeal, taking care of yourself is really important so that you don't burn the candle at both ends. Especially so if you're ex partner has BPD traits, I got divorced in late 2015 and seperated in early 2013, fast forward to today, i'm thankful that I found this group because I can deal with my ex, if I have to give advise, keep defending those boundaries.

Boundaries are not meant to be really high fences they're meant to be short omens, they're flexible and not rigid but when your ex has BPD traits you need boundaries of steel if you don't defend them, she's not going to take you seriously. My ex knows that she can't keep continously asking for the same things until I cave. I didn't have boundaries in the r/s, if I did they were floating ones, she knew if she pushed far enough i'd cave, but she knows I mean business. I just want to this last thing, short term pain for long term gain.

How are the kids doing? What's your visitation and custody situation like?

[ForeverDad]

There really is light at the end of the tunnel, eventually an end to the divorce process.  Our divorces from pwBPD  (or other obstructing and acting-out PDs) do take longer.  An estimate often mentioned here is generally 1 to 2 years.  My lawyer estimated 7-9 months with children, it turned out to be 23.5 months, obviously he didn't realize what I had dealt with for years and he was way off.  But eventually we did get the final decree.

My spouse had a very favorable custody and parenting schedule order.  So of course she had every incentive to delay the process above and beyond her prior obstructive and contrary behaviors.  The ordered mediation failed.  The ordered settlement conference failed.  However, when I arrived at family court on Trial Day I was greeted with the news that finally she was ready to talk settlement.  Too bad my court house didn't have steps or I could say "we settled on the court house steps."  She had no other choice but to make a deal if she was to avoid the trial her lawyer had told her she would lose.  The point is that early in a case a disordered spouse is too entitled and not under immediate pressure to behave less unreasonably.  It's possible that when some major hearing or trial looms then she may get her entitlement balloon popped a little.  Maybe.