Please help first post I'm so confused

[Scotthart]

My fiancé is a highly functioning professional
With a life that appears on the surface to be stable and normal in every sense of the word and yet her history with men and with me has been a disaster of multiple short term relations not lasting over 3 to 6 months. We have been in a relationship for 3 years but it has become increasingly more volatile. I don't know what BPD is but she has increasingly displayed extreme and violent outbursts of anger that come out of nowhere, she has the same behavior with her daughter, it appears it is only she and I that recieve these episodes and when they come it is intense hostility extremely voiltile over seemingly minor events that trigger her. When triggered she is a totally different person, these episodes then pass and sometimes in minutes or hours she acts like nothing has happened, there is usually screaming and accusations coming from her that when confronted she blames me or her daughter as the cause, a relentless attacking anger that will not subside and then when I try to set a limit usually escalates. No one sees this behavior but us, she never treats others like this, just her intimates. When we met she told me over the last 10 years she'd been in many relationships none of which lasted longer than three to six months. I'm feeling totally destroyed by a very violent emotionally abusive attack that has been ongoing since two nights ago that triggered her because I woke her up, I thought she was awake in bed, and I was just wanting to ask her why she wasn't feeling close to me, she went completely and immediately into rage and screamed at me that I was needy and too sensitive and needed to be a man. This shaming and bad behavior is getting worse. Everything in me tells me to run, but I love her, when she's not triggered she is an amazing woman. These episodes are worsening and her distancing has increased since we exchanged engagement rings.

Please help

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[Healthy88]

Welcome. Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Everything you are describing sounds like someone with BPD. Whose idea was it to get married? You are clearly seeing red flags. Have you set a date already or do you have time to wait it out awhile? If you are hoping to hear that things will get better after marriage, that is usually not the case. Often it gets worse.

Congratulations for figuring it out before marriage. Many of us don't realize what is going on for years after marriage, especially if they are high functioning. It took me 20. We did not date long before marriage, by the time I saw the red flags the wedding was in full swing. I did ask my father if we could postpone it because I had concerns, but he was not willing to give me the time I needed to figure this out. Had the wedding been postponed, I don't believe there ever would have been one.

[Meili]

I want to join Healthy88 in welcoming you to the  bpdfamily, but I'm sorry that you have to be here. On the flipside, the fact that you are here means that you have access to some great tools, support, and advice.

For what it's worth, you are not alone. If you read the other threads on here, you'll start to see that many of us have been or are in similar situations. The raging, name calling, and accusations are harmful and hurtful. I'm sorry that you and her daughter are having to deal with that.

As Healthy said, it's good that you are recognizing the  . This means that there is hope that you can turn things around. You can't make it all better by yourself, she'll also have to put forth some effort, but you can lead the way.

There are some tools in the sidebar to the right that are a great place to start.

I look forward to hearing more of your story. Keep us posted and ask as many questions as you feel comfortable asking.