How to recover while remaining in relationship?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One of the things I’ve been struggling with is how, or whether, I can do my own recovery work while remaining with my wife.

I’ve got a lot of family of origin stuff which needs to be looked at, and is definitely negatively affecting my relationship.  Much of my wife’s problematic behavior reminds me very strongly of what I went through with my mother (a witch-type BPD if ever there was one.)  But, while I eventually had to cut off contact with my mother, my wife is doing the work for recovery.  She’s in DBT, and is doing so much better than she was 6 months ago.  I’m really impressed and have tremendous respect for everything she’s overcome.  I love her a lot, and we’re having more fun times than not, lately. 

Despite all that progress, though, I’m still constantly on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop.   I’m starting to suspect I would need a very long time with “no problems” before I’d feel safe again. My mind knows that “less problems,” is excellent and, in fact, as good as any relationship ever gets.  But my gut can’t accept it.  Every time my wife has any emotional dysregulation, my gut is like “oh here we go again,” and I’m back to the headspace of a 13-year-old trapped with an insane woman who hates them.  I just want to get away, by any means necessary.  I’m good at not acting impulsively when I feel that way (I learned with my mom that acting out never did any good), but the feelings persist-- often for days, after even a minor argument that would be routine for most couples. 

Yes, I’m in therapy.  Hell, I’ve been working on the FOO stuff since it happened, and before all this I’d thought I was doing pretty well.  But I don’t know how to break the cycle of re-experiencing all of this negative emotion, when it’s now hugely out of place in my current circumstances. 

Any ideas? 

(I know this is PTSD kind of stuff, but I’ve avoided using the language of “triggers” etc, because I don’t carry the diagnosis, or even really think I qualify.  But if there are any tools from that context that would be helpful, I’m totally open to them.) 

[NotThatGuy]

One of the things I’ve been struggling with is how, or whether, I can do my own recovery work while remaining with my wife.

I’ve got a lot of family of origin stuff which needs to be looked at, and is definitely negatively affecting my relationship.  Much of my wife’s problematic behavior reminds me very strongly of what I went through with my mother (a witch-type BPD if ever there was one.)  But, while I eventually had to cut off contact with my mother, my wife is doing the work for recovery.  She’s in DBT, and is doing so much better than she was 6 months ago.  I’m really impressed and have tremendous respect for everything she’s overcome.  I love her a lot, and we’re having more fun times than not, lately. 

Despite all that progress, though, I’m still constantly on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop.   I’m starting to suspect I would need a very long time with “no problems” before I’d feel safe again. My mind knows that “less problems,” is excellent and, in fact, as good as any relationship ever gets.  But my gut can’t accept it.  Every time my wife has any emotional dysregulation, my gut is like “oh here we go again,” and I’m back to the headspace of a 13-year-old trapped with an insane woman who hates them.  I just want to get away, by any means necessary.  I’m good at not acting impulsively when I feel that way (I learned with my mom that acting out never did any good), but the feelings persist-- often for days, after even a minor argument that would be routine for most couples. 

Yes, I’m in therapy.  Hell, I’ve been working on the FOO stuff since it happened, and before all this I’d thought I was doing pretty well.  But I don’t know how to break the cycle of re-experiencing all of this negative emotion, when it’s now hugely out of place in my current circumstances. 

Any ideas? 

(I know this is PTSD kind of stuff, but I’ve avoided using the language of “triggers” etc, because I don’t carry the diagnosis, or even really think I qualify.  But if there are any tools from that context that would be helpful, I’m totally open to them.) 

[ArleighBurke]

It is very easy to see any problem as ANOTHER problem, and to lump it with all the past.

For me, it has helped having a diary. I record bad things, and good things. It is unreasonable to expect no bad things, so when something bad happenned, I could look back and say "wow - it's been X days xince the last time". What I noted was that the frequency of bad things got less over time. That reminded me that things were indeed improving.

It's also good to record good things - to make sure you are focussing on the good. When I felt low, it also helped reading over theses - the good things made me smile, I could see progress and that helped me keep going.

[Grey Kitty]

One thing is that you can't really use your wife as a "safe" person to talk about your FOO issues.

You have your own therapist, so that should be OK; Since it is FOO issues, safe family is probably hard to find. If you have friends who can support you on mental health issues, that is always good.

One interesting thing that may happen someday given how your wife is improving is that you may find yourself being the "emotional" one who blows up, falls apart, or whatever... .and there is enough emotional oxygen in the room for you to have your loud emotions, and your wife will support or comfort you, as this isn't HER meltdown... .and eventually she will be able to not MAKE it hers. This experience will be quite a shock for both of you, if it is anything like what happened with my wife a while back.

... .hmmm... .mostly, I think the things you do to deal with your dysfunctional and unhealthy habits and patterns is yours... .and the tools which work for you will probably be pretty much the same whether you are dealing with your wife or your FOO.

One thing I did was mindfulness meditation (fairly traditional Buddhist). It helped me a great deal; I would say the benefits mostly come from sustained practice.

[Kyanite]

I think that part of why most resources seem to talk about recovery under LC/nc is that recovery while living with someone who hits some of your triggers is HARD. My husband snd I are attempting it right now, and any time one of us slips up, it tends to suck us both back into the old patterns again. It sucks.

I wish I had more resources and tools to offer you, but I don't. I can only offer understanding.

[NotThatGuy]

Thanks very much everybody.   You've been very helpful.  I've been working a lot on the mindfulness stuff, meditating regularly, incorporating informal practice into my usual routines.  It does help.  And I try to focus on the positive changes I do see-- there's a lot of good there. 

It is really difficult stuff.  Re: what Grey Kitty said:

One thing is that you can't really use your wife as a "safe" person to talk about your FOO issues. . . .
One interesting thing that may happen someday given how your wife is improving is that you may find yourself being the "emotional" one who blows up, falls apart, or whatever. .  .

There have been times in our relationship when this was the case-- during the first few years, I was definitely the less stable one.  Which is part of why it was such a shock when my wife started having such serious problems.  We did a lot of talking about family of origin stuff, early on.  It seemed like that was something we had in common, and we'd both done a lot of work to overcome it.  Then, life threw a bunch of crazy stuff at us and we "broke" in totally different directions. 

Now, she wishes I would be more emotionally open with her.  But after years of her shutting me down every time I expressed needs of my own, I don't know how to stop pulling back, even though I *know* she genuinely wants to hear it now.  And after years of her blocking my attempts to establish a support structure beyond her, I get super anxious with any outside social activity, even though she really does support it now. I know that 10 years ago I was not this disengaged and socially anxious, I'd felt like I'd successfully processed and gotten past the stuff from my childhood.  But now I'm back there again, and I don't know how to get back out of it. 

But, yes.  More meditation, time, therapy, this, too, shall pass. 

[RoseOfSharon]

It has been a while since I have been here, but had a light-bulb moment last night about my wife. Then I come on here, and read your post.
I wish I had some answers for you (and me!). My female adopter (mother) fits the description of Borderline Witch to perfection (along with her Fisherman husband). My wife is certainly not that extreme.
I have nearly always been the stable one in our relationship, which is perhaps why it has lasted 18+ years. Now, I am going for EMDR therapy for csa, which is proving tough but productive. I have most of thenC-PTSD symptoms, but am not following through with a formal diagnosis.
My wife has been highly reactive, is certainly emotionally unstable, and my crisis has hit her hard.
She is jealous of the fact that I share some of my surfacing memories with a close friend, but not her (I cannot trust her, know she will not be stable enough). She fears abandonment hugely, then almost seeks to sabotage any remaining friendship we might be able to forge together (the relationship, as in a married relationship, is long over).
We would be going our separate ways, were it not for the fact that she needs two eye operations this year, and is being investigated for cancer.
Doing your own recovery work in these situations is tough indeed, especially when you cannot share the journey with the one person who you should be able to share it with.
Perhaps the most is, as you say, that you look for every positive sign, probably in your own recovery rather than together. Then see where you are at when you are in a better place
yourself.
So - no answers. But certainly a considerable amount of understanding for what you say.