What's Left...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've made it through my first week of NC with my xBPD.  The hurt is so intense at times. It was a calm ending, but that is because I just knew I cd not confront her about any of it.  She denied almost everything.  How do they have no clue it's about them.  I just needed more time with her then once or twice a week after a year. She wouldn't budge.  The bowling league nights I was not aloud to go to. ( all girls she worked with and flirted with). I let her have her night out with them with no questions. She never gave me a straight answer on why I wasn't aloud to come. Just that she'd be distracted. She then said we really had nothing in common... .We have soo much in common, she just wouldn't let us even hangout enough to see it all. She kept me at a distance. We both come from the same city... I left and got an education, she stayed and got herself a factory job. She mentioned that I came off stuck up, but she knew I wasn't.,  She's like I feel dumb around your friends. Claiming this is what makes us so different, because I got a  higher education and she didn't. I'm not on her level... . Thing is I grew up extremely poor and from nothing, as she had the basic things and went to a better school. But all because I made something of myself she can't handle that.  She's like I can't deny the chemistry with us, but we're too different.  I'm dying inside... .right now.  I think of those intense moments we had... .Amazing... .the I love yous, someday you'll be my wife... .Meeting all of her friends and family, to this... .Nothing.   I can't sleep, I can't eat... .I'm barely hanging on... .Meanwhile everyones like you are handling this better then we thought... .They just don't know.  THIS PAIN... .What the hell happened to me?  I used to be able get over people a lot quicker... .She never let me show her me, Never.  It was about her and all on her terms... .Why can't I just let her go... .This is so painful... .

[Lynn324]

I've made it through my first week of NC with my xBPD.  The hurt is so intense at times. It was a calm ending, but that is because I just knew I cd not confront her about any of it.  She denied almost everything.  How do they have no clue it's about them.  I just needed more time with her then once or twice a week after a year. She wouldn't budge.  The bowling league nights I was not aloud to go to. ( all girls she worked with and flirted with). I let her have her night out with them with no questions. She never gave me a straight answer on why I wasn't aloud to come. Just that she'd be distracted. She then said we really had nothing in common... .We have soo much in common, she just wouldn't let us even hangout enough to see it all. She kept me at a distance. We both come from the same city... I left and got an education, she stayed and got herself a factory job. She mentioned that I came off stuck up, but she knew I wasn't.,  She's like I feel dumb around your friends. Claiming this is what makes us so different, because I got a  higher education and she didn't. I'm not on her level... . Thing is I grew up extremely poor and from nothing, as she had the basic things and went to a better school. But all because I made something of myself she can't handle that.  She's like I can't deny the chemistry with us, but we're too different.  I'm dying inside... .right now.  I think of those intense moments we had... .Amazing... .the I love yous, someday you'll be my wife... .Meeting all of her friends and family, to this... .Nothing.   I can't sleep, I can't eat... .I'm barely hanging on... .Meanwhile everyones like you are handling this better then we thought... .They just don't know.  THIS PAIN... .What the hell happened to me?  I used to be able get over people a lot quicker... .She never let me show her me, Never.  It was about her and all on her terms... .Why can't I just let her go... .This is so painful... .

[noideaforname]

well i can relate to your story.
my end wasn't calm because i kept trying to talk to her and ignored the fact that she would set her mind on something and never change it.
She didn't want you to come to her world fully because that way you wouldn't be too close... .so if things should go south she would have an area of her life you weren't part so she could refuge in it.
Mine also told me we have nothing in common, its a common thing to say that, we "nons" do it to to convince ourselves when we want to justify break ups, but from my experience they really put that like a fact and that the r/s could not overcome that.

Another thing i can understand and relate with my r/s was the fact she felt worse than you because of your education and all. Mine would say that since i travel a lot and know a lot of places and things... .she would never be enough for me... .but i guess it was just a way to show me the fear of losing me, maybe that applies to you.

It has been few days over a month since my break up, i was feeling like you and lost 4kg in 3 weeks. Give yourself some time, feel what you have to feel, don't listen to people saying you should handle this better, you have to handle this in the ways you are feeling, other people are not in your body.
I will start therapy and i think it would be wise for you to do that too. It took me one month to realize i need it... .but the way you are describing your feelings are much like i was... .so i guess you could consider therapy without having to suffer for one month.

I can also confirm to you that things will get better, one week is too early, and god how i know we all want to get better as quickly as possible, but its a process... .you are growing, but most of the grow we have on life comes at a pain price.

If you have some hobbies try to distract yourself, i was staying at home endless doing nothing and just thinking about it all day... .its not easy because our mind some times won't stop chattering... .but here people understand you, i understand you... .you are not alone.