Hello everyone I have a mother with BPD, any advice welcome

[Shmuggly]

Hi everyone,
This is my first time thinking about others who have family members with BPD and what they might say. I am grossly uneducated and would greatly appreciate any help understanding my mother's condition. As probably all of the people here are as well, this is super emotional for me to type in words, so it may not all make sense.

After about ten years of not seeing or thinking about my mother, I have very slowly started a relationship with her as I'm approaching 30 years old. For the last 3 years I've been writing her, and only this year have I begun to drive down to her city and visit her once every other month.

She has seriously burned every person in her life that has supported her. From my father to her parents to all of her siblings and my father's siblings. The general advice I get from my aunts and uncles is to be very careful and cautious around her. Truthfully I've prepared myself for the one visit where I do get burned, because odds say it will happen. But for now we've cultivated a friendly relationship. Every time I visit I can tell she tries really hard to stay together for me.

The thing that makes this so painful for me is that the last three times I've visited (October, November, January), she has been wearing the same clothes. There are also a few other signs that may suggest that she may be homeless. Whenever I write letters they go to her church, and they in turn give them to her.
I've been told mainly by my grandparents (who haven't given up on her) that every time they try to bring my mother to a place to get mental help or financial help she refuses adamantly to go. It could be that my mother is terrified to get help, or just has too much pride.

I currently live alone in an apartment and cannot support my mother financially. All of my extended family believe in a "hands-off" approach. The general consensus is that my mother has to hit rock bottom so that she will want and seek help for herself. Once that happens healing can begin. I honestly don't know how much wisdom there is in this approach, as I have very limited dealings with mental health. Oh, and I'll state right now that my mother actually was officially diagnosed with BPD around 18 years ago in a hospital.

So here I am, with an estranged mother who I'm slowly making friends with. We mostly talk about light things on my visits, I don't know how or when to bring up more serious matters, and if she will get angry if I do. I'm not sure what my options are, and would I would greatly appreciate any that come my way.

I have thought about getting a higher paying job or even committing her to an institution where I know she will be well-fed and taken care of. It's painful to think about abandoning her like the rest of my family.

My mother cannot hold down a job and I'm not sure if she would be able to live by herself. But I don't know if I want to take on the great responsibility or danger of looking after her myself. Everyone else in her life was unable to.

Augh sorry this first post was to be simple but I ended up spilling out so much. Sorry everyone for making you read all of that. Any help or comments are appreciated.

[Charlie3236]

Hi Shmuggly! So glad you reached out and found us! It certainly sounds like you've got a lot of questions swimming around, and unfortunately not any great answers. (How can there be with BPD?)

There are a lot of super-smart people on this board who I know can give you some great advice on all this! But for now let me just say that as sad and harsh as it seems, your mother is an adult, and as such you'd have no legal grounds to make her seek treatment or even a place to live (unless she were a threat to herself or others). I know it must be so difficult and painful seeing your mum potentially homeless, but she's created this reality for herself and unfortunately it's up to her to pull herself out of it.

That said, if it were me I'd probably broach the topic and see where she was at. You could always offer to help get her to a shelter, but again ultimately it's up to her. Good luck to you!