BPD Mom

[wildpear8]

Hi everyone. I am new here but read Stop Walking on Eggshells and thought this would be a great place to come and get some support. My mom has BPD and it has been a really to navigate life with her. She and my dad divorced when I was 3 years old and she raised me as a single mom. I had some time with my dad growing up until I was 10 then he moved to another state. I am now 26 years old and I just moved across the country from my mom after I got a new job opportunity. When I told her I was moving, she screamed a curse word and hung up the phone. An hour later she called back and said to me "I have nothing left and I'm going to kill myself and I want you to tell me why I shouldn't." This is not the first time she had threatened suicide to me directly, but it made the move difficult. We have since been okay, I've lived far away for 1 month now. I guess I'm just looking for support and how others have successfully navigated BP parents and setting boundaries. Anyone I get close to in my life is a threat to her, and I just want to be free to weigh my own opinion now as an adult and not let her have so much control over my life. Thanks all~

[kells76]

Hi wildpear8, and we're glad you found us!

Congrats on the move for a great job opportunity -- I hope there are some exciting parts to that, and that you can feel good about living your own life.

When I told her I was moving, she screamed a curse word and hung up the phone. An hour later she called back and said to me "I have nothing left and I'm going to kill myself and I want you to tell me why I shouldn't." This is not the first time she had threatened suicide to me directly, but it made the move difficult. We have since been okay, I've lived far away for 1 month now.

I'm sorry you went through that. Normal-range behavior for parents of adult children in your age range is generally to be a sounding board -- listening, maybe offering some advice -- while supporting the adult child's growing independence.

It sounds like your mom focused on herself and her overwhelming emotional needs instead, inverting the family hierarchy so that you would be the supportive caretaker.

How did you take care of yourself that day? How are you doing with it now?

What strikes me (in bold above) is that she made huge emotional threats and didn't follow through. That doesn't necessarily make it easier for you, but it is good information to have.

I guess I'm just looking for support and how others have successfully navigated BP parents and setting boundaries.

Boundaries are a great topic to bring up. One of the seismic shifts that can happen for members here is to pivot from the "pop culture" understanding of boundaries as "ultimatums where you tell the other person you will not tolerate their behavior", to a more nuanced and accurate understanding of boundaries as:

rules for yourself, that you have 100% control over, and that don't depend on anyone else's agreement, approval, understanding, or cooperation

The "nice" thing about true boundaries is -- we don't even have to announce or explain them to anyone! We can just "do" our boundaries.

I'm thinking about the phone call and your move. What stands out to me is that I think you were "doing" your boundaries even if you weren't aware of it at the time -- because you chose to make the move regardless of the inappropriate things your mom said. In a way, maybe your boundary (rule for yourself) was:

I make my own life choices even if others disagree or disagree strongly or inappropriately.

Anyone I get close to in my life is a threat to her, and I just want to be free to weigh my own opinion now as an adult and not let her have so much control over my life.

Tell me a little more about that, when you have the chance.

Looking forward to learning more about your situation;

kells76

[Greg]

hey welcome to the site!  This place is a wonderful resource, and was for me when I first moved away from my BPD momster.

There is a title of another BPD book "I love you; don't leave me" which sums up her behavior well.  BPD's will go to any length to keep their "loved" victim close by.  When all else fails, suicide threats are a great way to tug at our sense of responsibility and shame.  Who would ever want to feel responsible for such a thing?  It's a very effective manipulation technique.

Of course, whether she self-harms or not has nothing to do with you.  She has a lifetime of trauma and unhealed abuse in her, and her manipulations and lashing-out have been happening quite a long time before you were born, I'm sure.

The greatest weakness we have with BPD's is our caring for them and wanting them to be well.  It's a part of the stockholm syndrome; they will use this vulnerability to destroy us to the last.  At least mine did.

I'm so glad you moved away from her.  That is such an amazing improvement for yourself.  Your other intimate relationships are going to continue to threaten her because she wants control.   At the end of the day, that's all it is with them.  You are like a pet, a thing for her to own and hurt and lash out at.  How could her pet move away?

I hope you continue your journey creating space and finding new people who express real love and support in your life.  I found great success in letting my BPD momster know as little as possible about my friends and my life.  That's how I became free from her grip, and free to know and love people that didn't treat me as a pet they owned.