What actually works? I want my son to be well

[Momatwitsend]

Hi All,

Apologies for what seems like this huge text size but I can't seem to figure out how to make it smaller!  Like everyone here I have a long and complicated story involving my overwhelming and long suffering but still amazing younger son.  I just want him to be well, so my one question for anyone here, anyone anywhere, what works? He needs so much.  How can we be happy? How can he become more realistic? How can he feel better about himself and move from shame to pride?  How can we learn to love and not hate life? And want to be in this life?  I know that is asking a lot, but I want a lot for him.  And any suggestions big or small would mean the world. Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Momatwitsend
I've been thinking about your post for a while now and I think if there was any direct answer to your question perhaps this forum wouldn't exist.

We all ache for our children, feel anxious to find a way to lift their pain and to 'make things better'. But there is no answer that can work for everyone with BPD. The first reason I suppose is that BPD is not a 'fixed' set of symptoms - people can have a different set of symptoms from another - and also it is a spectrum - other factors, conditions can affect how well the individual can respond to programs etc.

Generally speaking it appears that for many people with BPD, the intensity of the symptoms can be lessened when they are in their 30s. So age can play a part in this.

If there are co-morbidities such as depression then medication can help this aspect, which in turn can lessen the intensity of the bpd symptoms or at what point they become triggered.

DBT is recognised as a central therapy because it focuses on the individual being able to self regulate emotional distress.

Everything though will depend on the individual's willingness to try things and to stick with whatever they choose to try so that it can have a decent amount of time to be effective.

In my case the only thing that did help was an antidepressant because it seemed to lift the point at which intense emotions were triggered. But the DD didn't continue. She is in her 30s now and I am getting a sense that she may be willing to try again.

Sorry this is not an answer to 'what works'. I frantically sought answers and a 'fix it' solution for many years. Coming here and reading all the things that people had engaged with was a turning point for me - to help me 'let go' and accept that I can't do it for someone else.

BUt i can love them, can 'be there' and can hope that there will be peace in her heart one day.

[Pook075]

Hey Mom and welcome!  I feel your pain since I was in the same situation with my BPD daughter many years ago.  The answer you're looking for is incredibly simple- your son's life changes whenever he's ready to become accountable for his emotions.

I fully understand where you're at and I know that sounds like a terrible answer, but the simple truth is that your son is responsible for his own life.  The more you try to "fix him" or "help him", the longer its going to take for him to accept accountability and recognize the need for change.  Some mentally ill people never have that self-discovery and they spend their entire life blaming others.

For your son to turn the corner on his mental illness, things will get worse before they get better.  For my daughter, she had to hit rock bottom....which was a heck of a lot lower than I could have survived.  I hated every part of watching it happen but it had to happen regardless, she had to realize that she needed therapy and actual change to gain control of her life.  And the best way I could help her was to stop being her security blanket bailing her out of bad decisions time after time.

I hope that helps...as lousy as the advice sounds.