So the likely final hours

[WalkingInRain]

All,

Writing

So I may be in the final hours of a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with CPTSD, but may also have BPD.  That is not an official diagnosis and I would not attempt to make that as I am not a professional and I'm not here to label.  But after ending up here through other resources, many of the patterns fit.

I don't know if I have a specific goal in writing right now, but I know expression is good for me so, here I am.  Hell, maybe things will turn around, but I've hit a point where hope feels like self-harm.  So here I am in this place to move on because I expect that at this point.

We've been together for ten years this coming Tuesday and gone through many rounds of splitting and limbo.  The latest has been the worst and lasted much of this year.  We're currently living apart and communication has been pretty abysmal.

I know ultimately I will be fine if everything ends.  The time apart we've had this year has shown me I will be okay even if it hurts at first.  Hell, I'll likely be far happier than I've been in recent years, at least after a period of grieving and processing.

The harder thing is finding myself again.  Or finding how to relearn healthy patterns again.  The challenge is that this relationship ended up bringing back some things that I thought I had already vanquished.  Specifically, I was raised by a single dysfunctional parent who taught me all my feelings were like poison or knives and that feeling them, let alone sharing them, was hurting / being abusive to others.  I learned to, well not bury, but express what I felt through creativity which for much of my life has been a source of strength.  Since that creativity could be shared or not, but at least it was expressed.  And after a time of healing before this relationship I became strong enough and healthy enough to express my feelings directly through conversation and communication.

Background

For the first several years I did just that.  And then a few events happened in rapid succession.  My partner was in an accident that injured them while in this same window of time, she started trying to work through a lot of the abuse she had suffered as a child - very complex, multilayered stuff.  That I am proud to say she did start to tackle for a time.  But at some point it became too much.  I was also still working through my own stuff.  Took two to tango.

That's when our spiral downward began with fits and starts.  Her pain and anxiety lead me to start being silent about my own needs and pain.  She then did her first threat of "I want to end the relationship" that started to a very regular pattern every few months for years - and I would respond with a long emotional supportive pattern talking her down from the cliff.  And at some point, in the daily exhaustion I felt, I lost my creativity as an outlet.  There was nothing left in me for it anymore.

Earlier this year, there was another event and this time I pushed us to take some time apart, because the only other alternative was to end the relationship.  It was during this time someone who knew of our struggles recommended I read "Walking on Eggshells" - that was an eye opener.  We were to come back together after three months and make a decision together.  Then days before were to have that meal and talk, there was another serious event with her family that left her in one of the worst spaces I've ever seen her in.

I didn't support her well enough during it.  I am not being hyper critical here of myself.  I know I didn't have the emotional reserves (though mostly it was the finances) to support the way that I wanted to.  But that doesn't change that I could have done more, and in the past I would have done more.  And if I'd had the reservers, I would have.  I didn't but I accept the reality that that likely set her into another spiral of anxiety.

This has left us in the worst case of limbo we've ever been with, and before she has even been willing to talk again, she's started putting all these hoops that have be jumped through.  Problem is that there is nothing left in me for it.  I'm drained and largely empty.

Today

I hate that I am here.  I don't hate her, or the even the relationship.  Even if things end today, I love her and treasure the many memories I have.  But I hate that I lost myself.  After finding myself before this relationship, I like the frog in the pot, lost myself without even realizing it.

So today.  I've been thinking about us and all these issues for months.  And trying to heal things and help rebuild.  But she won't talk without the hoops, and there's not been any way to move forward.  At first I was willing to give it a little time and there were some first signs things were slowly getting a little better.  Very slow, but little things did start to be a little better.

But today she missed again a date for us to spend some time together.  We were to watch a movie or something.  She had just disappeared for two days, and finally messaged that she was okay just hung over (she's been using alcohol to cope).  I called her, and she didn't answer.  Called again like an hour later.  No answer.  And sent a text that she should call me.  Only was like half an hour later I realized that had very possibly set off her anxiety again.  She's turned off her read messages so I have no idea if she had seen it or not.  And realizing how messed up this was again, with the dancing around her anxiety and fears yet again, I finally just told her how this isn't working.  That I want her and the relationship but the way this is, isn't working.  And that we had to make a decision to move forward together or move forward on our own (wrote a bit more that that, but that's the quick version).

And now it's just complete silence from her.  I expect her to decide to end things as her way to threaten again, except this I won't stop her.  That is what it is.

For me, I've just got to figure out how to heal again.  How to be able to speak and talk and communicate again.  How to vanquish the patterns of my childhood again.  To build space for creativity again, though that is a beast that will come or not on its own damn time.

Yeah you can likely figure out, this post is a step in that healing process.  Thank you for listening.

-WalkingInRain

[Pook075]

Hey Walking and welcome.  I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and there are no easy answers here; healing from these types of relationships is a process since you're unpacking feelings that have been repressed to make the relationship feel "normal".  Yet these are very rarely normal relationships and it takes time to get your feet on solid ground.

A few things.  First off, you'll see this differently six months from now compared to how you see it today.  What's off right now is your perspective, which is completely normal.  We fight for the people we love, even when those people hurt us.  That's what you're doing now, you're struggling to hold onto something that's not necessarily good for you in the current situation.  Only time can change your perspective and time is on your side.

Also, getting back to who you were; you mentioned art for expressing your feelings; that's a great place to start.  What other hobbies, goals, dreams, and pursuits are there?  What about friends and family you used to be close to?  Getting back to being yourself is simply changing your focus towards things that feel the most natural to you.

Since you posted in detaching, you'll receive advice for moving on.  However, it sounds like the relationship is not officially over...she just stood you up for a conversation you felt was super important.  Are you sure it was equally important to her?  Maybe it was just an oversight....or a bad day....or a bad month.  It's hard to say when you're talking about mental illness.

My best advice is to take some time for you and get back to focusing on what's important to you today.  You don't need to discover the meaning of life right now, your immediate goal should be to have a great meal, to go have some fun, and to get through the day.  Worry about tomorrow when it comes, there's plenty of time for that.

[WalkingInRain]

Pook075,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. 

I'm actually feeling pretty good today.  Know there will still be ups and downs from here.  But will make it long term.

I'm accepting, even expecting things to be done, but I can't deny there is still a chance we will be able to heal from this.  However unlikely or slim that is.

I think for me, maybe I had to hit that rock bottom of acceptance that things are over before I could do anything other than being lost in the limbo.  Like after finally hitting that spot yesterday, I realized today that I feel like myself for the first time in years.  Instead of being exhausted and constantly thinking how to avoid hurting her and protecting her, I'm just accepting that this is what moving forward is.  And that change is night and day for me.

As for things with her, she finally responded and then promptly avoided and ignored what I said.  I let it go for a few hours and then came back to the topics at hand.  It's time for us to figure out the future, together or not.  Don't think she has seen that yet, and we'll see what the response is.  But the thing I have now is that no matter what it is, it will be okay.  Good, bad, it will be okay.

So yeah I am going back to my hobbies again.  Did a night of gaming tonight for the first time in like six months.  Going to price out buying a piano this weekend, though the actual expense may wait for a month or two for the budget.

I also set my art station back up to night.  We'll see how long it takes for the sparks to burn again, but that is coming too.

Okay crashing soon and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

-WalkingInRain

[jaded7]

Hi WalkingInTheRain,

Just want to say hello and share how much I recognized in your writing. My ex told me that she was diagnosed with cPTSD, but after about a year I started to research on Google 'why does my girlfriend yell at me?", which is how I found out about BPD and this place. Like you, I don't really know either. From my reading and video watching, the are in fact very similar...but as many of the very knowledgeable experts here say, it's really the behavior and your treatment by them that matters.

You write so well and in such an organized fashion, it was a real pleasure to read your writing, but I'm sorry that you had to do it in this
context. I hope your evening goes well and look forward to hearing more from you.

It seems you are thinking very well and clearly about this realtionship.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi WalkingInTheRain,

Just want to say hello and share how much I recognized in your writing. My ex told me that she was diagnosed with cPTSD, but after about a year I started to research on Google 'why does my girlfriend yell at me?", which is how I found out about BPD and this place. Like you, I don't really know either. From my reading and video watching, the are in fact very similar...but as many of the very knowledgeable experts here say, it's really the behavior and your treatment by them that matters.

You write so well and in such an organized fashion, it was a real pleasure to read your writing, but I'm sorry that you had to do it in this
context. I hope your evening goes well and look forward to hearing more from you.

It seems you are thinking very well and clearly about this realtionship.

So instead of going too far down the rabbit hole....cPTSD and BPD have one thing that typically stands out as a big difference and that is those with cPTSD typically have an identity whereas those with BPD are typically more likely to struggle with a sense of self and identity. Just as a simple example...those with cPTSD are more likely to express they know what they like and what they do not, but those with BPD are less likely to provide definitive answers and few if any constants will be observed other than the consistency of being inconsistent.

Keep in mind though that it is best to approach the situation with a more open mind such as just saying someone is disordered instead of trying to diagnose or use labels or categories. Why do I say this? It's impossible to know for sure because each individual situation is different and at the end of the day people are still individuals so there is no one size fits all.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC- 

[WalkingInRain]

Hi WalkingInTheRain,

Just want to say hello and share how much I recognized in your writing. My ex told me that she was diagnosed with cPTSD, but after about a year I started to research on Google 'why does my girlfriend yell at me?", which is how I found out about BPD and this place. Like you, I don't really know either. From my reading and video watching, the are in fact very similar...but as many of the very knowledgeable experts here say, it's really the behavior and your treatment by them that matters.

You write so well and in such an organized fashion, it was a real pleasure to read your writing, but I'm sorry that you had to do it in this
context. I hope your evening goes well and look forward to hearing more from you.

It seems you are thinking very well and clearly about this realtionship.

Thank you for the well wishes and the warm thoughts. 

-WalkingInRain

[WalkingInRain]

So instead of going too far down the rabbit hole....cPTSD and BPD have one thing that typically stands out as a big difference and that is those with cPTSD typically have an identity whereas those with BPD are typically more likely to struggle with a sense of self and identity. Just as a simple example...those with cPTSD are more likely to express they know what they like and what they do not, but those with BPD are less likely to provide definitive answers and few if any constants will be observed other than the consistency of being inconsistent.

Keep in mind though that it is best to approach the situation with a more open mind such as just saying someone is disordered instead of trying to diagnose or use labels or categories. Why do I say this? It's impossible to know for sure because each individual situation is different and at the end of the day people are still individuals so there is no one size fits all.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC- 

Yep, it's a good call out SinisterComplex.  It's why I want to be careful because while the patterns seem to fit, I'm not someone who can really diagnose.  Perhaps I'm completely off base.

[WalkingInRain]

So a quick update.

Things instead of ending immediately as I kind of expected, ended up yo-yo'd back and forth again.  Perhaps I should have expected that instead.  I don't know.

Kind of tired at the moment.

Anyway, we had a disagreement I guess today?  Fight seems too strong of a word.  Just like trying to express my pain over things, and the way she had treated me over much of the last eight months since the last time she threatened to end the marriage.  And that got the "okay let's end it" to me expressing my pain, not anger, just pain.

What would happen in the past is I would fold and talk her down from the cliff (and as I've come to learn, enable her unhealthy coping process).  And this time, I just told her I didn't want that but it took two to make a relationship work.  Maybe I could have said some other things.  Or used some other managing process (been reading about SET from one of the books).  But I was just exhausted of constantly pouring my heart out and just the patterns.

So detaching though at the moment that's likely just being numb.  Detaching likely comes next.  Likely comes tomorrow or the day after.  Know this will take a while to process and got to keep myself moving while I do.

-WalkingInRain

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry- just keep your head up and feel free to vent here or ask for any guidance.  For what it's worth, I don't think you messed up in that conversation because it does indeed take two.  She has to meet you at least part of the way...especially when it's obvious you're hurting.

[WalkingInRain]

So she yoyo'd again.  Once she realized I was actually serious.  That I wasn't going to come fold and trying to talk her off the cliff.

She's now being more affectionate than she's been in months, maybe most of this year.

I'm...not unmoved by it.  I'm smiling a bit.  But inside I still feel pretty numb.  I'm showing all the signs of extreme exhaustion and perhaps the start of a larger depressed state (too soon to say on that as I might bounce back in a day or two).

Today was a rough day at work.  Happens but when I was on empty after this weekend that it made it all that much worse.  So now, I don't know really.

Or rather I know this is no way to live.  And I'd like to just get moving (moving on?).  Just feels like the stuck limbo is trying to draw me back in.

If I could just get enough sleep to think straight again that might help more than a bit.

Going to go hit the couch, rest.  Sleep hard tonight if I can.  Then figure out next steps.  Honestly, I know them.  But I can't seem to detach from it all.  Or maybe I have and that's the numb?  No don't think that is right.

Well rest and sleep for now.  Tomorrow will come.

-WalkingInRain

[SinisterComplex]

So she yoyo'd again.  Once she realized I was actually serious.  That I wasn't going to come fold and trying to talk her off the cliff.

She's now being more affectionate than she's been in months, maybe most of this year.

I'm...not unmoved by it.  I'm smiling a bit.  But inside I still feel pretty numb.  I'm showing all the signs of extreme exhaustion and perhaps the start of a larger depressed state (too soon to say on that as I might bounce back in a day or two).

Today was a rough day at work.  Happens but when I was on empty after this weekend that it made it all that much worse.  So now, I don't know really.

Or rather I know this is no way to live.  And I'd like to just get moving (moving on?).  Just feels like the stuck limbo is trying to draw me back in.

If I could just get enough sleep to think straight again that might help more than a bit.

Going to go hit the couch, rest.  Sleep hard tonight if I can.  Then figure out next steps.  Honestly, I know them.  But I can't seem to detach from it all.  Or maybe I have and that's the numb?  No don't think that is right.

Well rest and sleep for now.  Tomorrow will come.

-WalkingInRain

So the part of realizing you are actually serious has a lot to do with previous history. You were not taken as serious because the boundaries weren't strong enough. She responded to you being more serious because in a sense you took more control and there is a feeling of you must be respected or you are gone. Do not change this behavior...stick with it. This is good in general.

Now this kind of behavior in response to you being tougher so to speak can be disordered sure, but it is more common and typical than you might think.

If you want a good example...Katy Perry has been in the news lately talking about her relationship with Orlando Bloom and the reason they broke up and took a break is because he was done with her playing games...the hot and cold, push and pull BS

She realized that she respected him for it and they got back together and ultimately she went to counseling to learn some of the stuff that helped him make himself better.

Just some food for thought my friend.

Keep your head up. You are going to be okay and things will certainly get better. Believe in that.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[HoratioX]

This behavior sounds familiar. I was in an on-again, off-again relationship for several years with someone diagnosed with -- depending on which therapist was up -- anxiety or CPTSD. At least one therapist suspected BPD, too.  There was the similar erratic behavior, the push-pull, as well as lies, deception, and infidelity. In the end, I called it off for good, which was tough at first because of how powerful physically and emotionally the relationship was. But on this side of it, I see with clarity it was the right thing to do. Moreover, because enough time has passed, I feel that way, too.

You might find yourself in a similar situation. If you do, it will be tough at first. It will get better.  You will get better. The trick is to see this perspective. If there is a part of you wanting to call it off, you already know. That's your survival instincts telling you what your brain and heart aren't quite ready to accept. Consider therapy.