I'm so confused

[Palicio]

Now my wife claims she has a boyfriend, if that's the case, it could have only started online and likely while we were actively together. I'm so hurt by this, even if it's farce I'm hurt by this.

I'm so confused, all of my emotional attention was always on her. My love and attention was always unconditional and patient. I just don't understand how one fight erases everything. How does a moment erase five years.

I'm also being asked to contribute to frighting her things she left for me to pack, I'm thinking I cannot do that now.

[kells76]

Hi Benito, I'm sorry to hear it's been more difficult for you lately.

Now my wife claims she has a boyfriend, if that's the case, it could have only started online and likely while we were actively together. I'm so hurt by this, even if it's farce I'm hurt by this.

Did she tell you that herself?

I'm so confused, all of my emotional attention was always on her. My love and attention was always unconditional and patient. I just don't understand how one fight erases everything. How does a moment erase five years.

There's a lot there to unpack. Are you feeling shell-shocked right now? Survival mode/grief/pain can be a hard place to do self-reflection from.

I'm also being asked to contribute to frighting her things she left for me to pack, I'm thinking I cannot do that now.

That's OK. It's fine to have limitations -- we all do. This is a really emotionally heavy time.

There might be a continuum of ways to engage with her request.

One extreme would be hostile non-cooperation/trying to punish her: "If you want it so bad then you come back and deal with it -- I'm not lifting a finger"

The other extreme would be overfunctioning/fawning: "Whatever you say you want I'll do, no questions asked, and all at my expense, maybe you'll come back if I do"

There might be a few middle options where you don't fan the flames (hostile/not cooperative) and you don't do what's beyond your emotions (overfunctioning):

One middle option could be: boxing up what she asks for and putting it in a storage unit. Coordinate with her: does she want the key directly, or is there someone in town she wants you to give it to. It's up to her at that point to "take it across the finish line" if she wants it shipped to her.

Another middle option could be: boxing up her items, asking a local, trusted mutual acquaintance to hang onto them, and letting her know to work with that person to finish the process.

A third middle option could be letting her know that even though you aren't able to send things at the moment, you will have her things boxed up for her in the living room at home.

These are just brainstorming ideas for getting out of the drama triangle where you're either the Persecutor ("Benito never does anything for me, he won't even do this last simple request") or Rescuer ("It's Benito's job to do whatever I want, but I won't respect him for it afterward"). There may be other options that fit your situation better. Move to the center -- keep an adult dialog going.

[Palicio]

Did she tell you that herself?

There's a lot there to unpack. Are you feeling shell-shocked right now? Survival mode/grief/pain can be a hard place to do self-reflection from.

Thank you Kells for your sympathy, It is good to read your advice.

No, she did not tell me that directly. She is not openly communicating with me over phone, text, or primary social media accounts. I have however been contacted through various sites, social media, email, and phone, via burner accounts, one of which was male voiced. It is me piecing together bread crumbs and trying to make sense of any of this bewildering account of events. I observed the claim on a social media post, and she in a text some weeks prior was angrily stating her partner would take care of things if I did not.

I have been shell-shocked since 7/29, I have been in a fog for more than a month. And, prior to that it had been a really difficult series of months since March this year. I feel like I have been running a marathon for years now, and now there is some sort of mad beast chasing me after I thought I crossed a finish line. My heart and mind do not stop racing, i'm typically panicking or disassociating regardless of context in this last month or so. I signed up for therapeutic services, but had a panick attack when I was supposed to get on the phone about a week ago and haven't rescheduled since.

So to note; I have just about packed everything, and I am coordinating with my wife's mother to freight the boxes. What I am unsure of is, do I unpack all the boxes she packed which contain things that are mine that she spitefully put there and threatened me not to touch. And, I am unsure, if I should pay for any of the freight costs, I feel like this is exclusively my Wife's responpsibility, not her mother's, not mine.

I feel like I traded dancing on eggshells for dancing on razor blades.

[ForeverDad]

Now my wife claims she has a boyfriend, if that's the case, it could have only started online and likely while we were actively together. I'm so hurt by this, even if it's farce I'm hurt by this.

This is not an uncommon report.  Even though the relationship was dysfunctional, it seems many disordered persons do start a new relationship quickly, or even start one as the old one is ending.

Rebound relationships often don't last.  That's why it is wisdom to take the time to process what happened to a relationship - to wait, often months or longer - before contemplating another.

[Palicio]

This is not an uncommon report.  Even though the relationship was dysfunctional, it seems many disordered persons do start a new relationship quickly, or even start one as the old one is ending.

Rebound relationships often don't last.  That's why it is wisdom to take the time to process what happened to a relationship - to wait, often months or longer - before contemplating another.

I'm well aware, by the testimony given here, and her own that she gave me. She often described the regret and trauma caused by constantly being with someone and never spending the time developing herself. Its very difficult to see her return to a pattern that took everything from her in her teen years up until we began to forge our lives together, and the pattern ceased for a period.

Early on in our relationship she told me of the struggle she had with her disorder, and all the romantic and sexual endeavors that were instigated by it, and compounded her pain. Its really hard to see her dive right back in after an episode with little to no awareness, of returning to this pattern. Especially when after I became aware of her path leading to me, and I set my life to fulfilling her needs and setting a foundation to where she could remain in therapeutic services, community, and fulfillment. I saw a woman stuck in a phase of her life, unable to actualize, I dedicated my life to helping her become the person she was struggling to be--and now it feels like she has taken that from herself to spite me in a moment of extreme pain..

I want the best for her, and I know blindly returning to old patterns, while also lapsing in all therapeutic services, is going to set her on a path that will destroy her progress she made towards self reliance and actualization. Not only do I have my heartbreaking for myself and the life I was planning, but my favorite person is destroying herself again, and all I can do is watch from a thousand miles away.

[Skip]

I'm so confused, all of my emotional attention was always on her. My love and attention was always unconditional and patient. I just don't understand how one fight erases everything. How does a moment erase five years.

Two things come to mind. 1) BPD is characterized by impulsiveness, and 2) people sometimes find it easier to run from a bad situtaion and start over rather than try to fix things.

It wasn't created in "one moment", though. Her job crashed and burned and recovery seemed distant. Its hard to have a job crash and burn. It harder when the recover options are limited.

The day to day living situation had become financially difficult/stressful.

You were (as she perceived) critical of her... and then boom.

The hope of a fresh slate (and ditching the problems) may be what this is all about.

Her hammering on you as a loser is a way to blame other for her failure... it's not her failure... it's you and she may feel the first step to solving her problems is pushing you away.

Reality will set it, but this is probably what you are living right now.

What do you think?

[Skip]

She is distancing herself from the past.

I think it would be helpful if you do the same. 

She is not going to want to come back to the past.

That's why its important for you to start moving forward to the future.

That will be more attractive to her, once she gets to baseline and can look in with a balanced eye.

What are 5 things you could improve to make a future homecoming more attractive?

[Palicio]

I'm honestly not in fear of it, the constant behavior has me feeling like its a signal of a desire for communication even if its one way in the form of information. Something like; it seems like she wants the information, if she was truly done with me, I don't understand the impulse to keep tabs on my thoughts.

Two things come to mind. 1) BPD is characterized by impulsiveness, and 2) people sometimes find it easier to run from a bad situtaion and start over rather than try to fix things.

It wasn't one moment though. Her job crashed and burned and recovery seemed distant. The day to day living situation had become financially difficult.

The hope of a fresh slate may have been her motivation.

What do you think?

I think that is one of the larger contributing factors, there was a constellation of things, with respect to my sisters wedding, her wanting to see her family, missing friends. I find it hard to fully rectify as, we were both diligently working on our next steps. She even forged ahead on her own at times, without my encouragement. She put herself back into therapy before I could suggest it, she put together a care team that included a route to higher education, she found self study courses. Our day to day was generally very good and very calm, it was whenever we were doing something more than just chilling at home that friction would arise.

I do think I lost sight of how unwell she is, and how fast things can snap backwards. Our first two years were wild, many suicide attempts, many lost jobs, many lost housing situations, but I managed to mitigate all of the fallout, and always secured our needs and our social standing. I think at the end of four
years I got comfortable, because she was becoming increasingly functional. We had an amazing stride from 2022 to 2024. The frequency of fights, self harm threats, and threats of leaving all started subsiding.

I just don't know how to put these pieces together. We talked about changing how we approached our futures, like living apart and me putting her through school, but she rejected the idea hard stating she couldn't get a long with her mother, and now she is living there. It feels like we did all the planning and a lot of brainstorming, and we were on the precipice of making some big moves. And, that was coming up right after we had to go to my sisters wedding, which was happening right after she instigated a big fight over me stating I felt unsupported.

I just feel like it was a massive storm of things, that were weighing on her. Truly it had to have been an impossible load to bear for her, I myself was finding it difficult.

And, if she was seeking a clean slate. She doesn't appear to be using it, she fell right back into a pattern she stated she never wanted to repeat, i.e. cycling through people and living situations and never actualizing. She keeps stating that she has a partner/ boyfriend, and that she cannot stay at her mothers as she is in danger, and has things lined up. I can see through her activity on social media, that she is still lashing out in any direction she can, because her whipping boy is on the shelf. I can see she is still struggling with a millstone of negative emotions around her neck. She still seems so upset, and I don't think she is opening up to anyone in a capacity that will help her.

She is distancing herself from the past.

I think it would be helpful if you do the same.  

She is not going to want to come back to the past.

That's why its important for you to start moving forward to the future.

That will be more attractive to her, once she gets to baseline and can look in with a balanced eye.

What are 5 things you could improve to make a future homecoming more attractive?

To be honest, i'm finding it really hard to answer your question. Everything is in purgatory, so it is really hard to know what homecoming could even look like. For context, the space I was renting is expensive, and I can move in with my brother in the next town over and not pay rent--this would create an ideal scenario for money saving. However, my brother will in no way entertain my wife returning, and finding places to rent where we are at takes some time.

All of her things are packed with me in the furthest rural north west, and she is living the urban southwest.

There are many things I want to do for myself of course, that would either fulfill me or make me more attractive as a spouse. But, all of these things would more or less require me sacrificing the home we had, and praying that the promise of a different living situation thousands of miles of way would be ideal. A time scale of many months, to multiple years. It doesn't seem realistic to let that much time pass and have any expectation of reunion, my pragmatic mind and my faith are really contested here.

I don't know how to appear attractive to her, when we are so far apart, when she has no eyes or ears on me, and when I cannot currently offer her the support of my family. I do know how to take care of myself, and build upon myself, and love myself fully. I think what I struggled with then while in the dynamic of our relationship, and now, is that I don't want her to lose time to herself--I was always ok putting my game on pause to make sure she wasn't moving backwards. I'm worried about her putting herself through self destructive phases again, and I'm worried that she will isolate herself so that her only potential rescuer is another gamble. She lived on the streets multiple times, and had to harm herself grievously to survive, and that was all the result of a perception of her mother being her abuser, because her mother created a boundary for the self harm that occurred in their home. I'm worried that this arc could be far worse..

But, to attempt;

I would like to:
move in with my brother and save a meaningful amount of money
use the money saved to settle debts, taxes, etc
use the money saved to purchase a new car
use the increase in time to develop a serious gym regimen
use the increase in time to finish the dozens of books bought recently
use the increase in time to finish certificates for my career path
work on my business venture's art/ build portfolio and launch my online presence

But.. of course, these are all me centered things, and I won't have a home of my own to provide, if I make the initial step, which then should precipitate all that follows.