How to sleep when living with BPD parent

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I've struggled with insomnia since I was a child, but it's gotten progressively worse in recent years due to my parent's BPD. Now, I can't relax, I can't let my guard down long enough even to sleep. I've tried taking supplements, minding my sleep hygiene, etc. My body is simply stuck in survival mode, and I am at my wit's end. I literally cannot sleep anymore. It's wrecking my job, my health, everything. I finally made an account here because I don't know what else to do.

Does anyone here have any tips for getting sleep when you live with a BPD parent?

(And no, this isn't a situation I can just leave, the parent has other health problems aside from BPD and I'm the caregiver.)

I'm living on eggshells 24/7, always worried about when she'll get upset next, what I've left undone for her to get upset at, etc. Even when she's happy, I'm on edge because I know it will change on a dime. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

[very_tired]

I've struggled with insomnia since I was a child, but it's gotten progressively worse in recent years due to my parent's BPD. Now, I can't relax, I can't let my guard down long enough even to sleep. I've tried taking supplements, minding my sleep hygiene, etc. My body is simply stuck in survival mode, and I am at my wit's end. I literally cannot sleep anymore. It's wrecking my job, my health, everything. I finally made an account here because I don't know what else to do.

Does anyone here have any tips for getting sleep when you live with a BPD parent?

(And no, this isn't a situation I can just leave, the parent has other health problems aside from BPD and I'm the caregiver.)

I'm living on eggshells 24/7, always worried about when she'll get upset next, what I've left undone for her to get upset at, etc. Even when she's happy, I'm on edge because I know it will change on a dime. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

[Notwendy]

This happened to me when I went to help my father when he was ill. Dad was taken care of- he was in the hospital. While the purpose was to help him, I was home with BPD mother alone and actually was managing her.

I think we can put our thoughts aside for a while in these situations but your body is telling you something. It's telling you- this is not good for you physically and emotionally. If I know I am visiting my mother, I can't sleep well- both before and after the visit. Being on high alert physically- this is your body sensing alarm-  and it's trying to tell you something to protect you.

It's not being selfish to want to sleep- we are human too and these are basic beeds.

I learned at this visit that, if I didn't have boundaries with my mother- she won't so I had to, even if it meant her being angry at me. I still visited but I didn't stay in the house with her. If I stayed in a hotel- I would have a safe space where I didn't feel on alert. I also have shorter visits and less frequent ones. At home, I turn my phone off at night so I know she won't be calling me.

This may not be the advice you expected to hear- but if the stress is such that it is affecting you physically- your body is telling you that this isn't good for you. You need to cut back for your own well being. This isn't being selfish, it's a necessity. You need to be able to sleep and not be on high alert. You need to have a safe space away from this situation.

This may not be feasable immediately due to your current situation- if she needs a caregiver, if you need housing. I think a first step is to realize that you need to cut back on being your mother's caregiver-and how much to cut back can be decided later. Depending on the care your mother needs and her age- she may be eligible for Medicaid covered nursing home placement. If she has some resources- private care can give you some time off. She's not going to like it but she's not thinking of you and your basic needs and so you need to be the one to do that.

Where to start? Depending on your age and what country- there could be some resources. Of course don't post personal identifying information but her age, your age, and country can help posters share what they know.

[CC43]

Hi Tired,

I went through a similar situation recently.  I have a stepdaughter with BPD who was in and out of the hospital.  At the same time, I had a terminally ill parent who ultimately passed.  On top of that, my husband was especially needy during this time, as he was trying to save his daughter from self-destruction, and he took out a lot of his stress on me.  Historically, I always had some nights of insomnia (maybe one or two nights per month of little to no sleep), but that didn't phase me too much.  When that happened, I made sure to exercise a bit, and avoid napping, no matter how tired I was, and that seemed to do the trick--I'd be so tired that I'd sleep well enough the next night.  However, when the stress in my life amped up in the last couple of years, I went several consecutive nights with maybe only one or two hours of sleep in total, basically just cat naps followed by hours of wide-awake alertness.  I also broke out in hives and an allergic rash.  There were around two months where I could barely sleep at all, and I decided to see a doctor about it.  I'm generally healthy and don't go to the doctor that much, but when my insomnia got to the point of derailing my normal functioning, I decided I should get some help.

So yes, my body was telling me, I'm stressed.  I got treatment for the rash, which took several weeks to clear up.  During that period, I really focused on self-care (eating right, exercising and preserving sleep hygiene).  I cut out any activity that I thought might hurt my sleep, such as late-night commitments or alcohol or coffee.  I cranked up the A/C in my bedroom, even if it cost more, because coolness helps me sleep.  I'm mostly back to normal now.  I didn't take any medicines for insomnia, but I did take a Benadryl before bed for a while, to ease the itchiness of my rashes.  A side effect of Benadryl is supposedly sleepiness, though I didn't really notice any sleepiness when I was taking it.

I don't know how to counsel you regarding dealing with your parent.  Maybe you could look into some supplemental home care for your parent, to give you some relief.  Could another family member or friend take over for a weekend or a few days, to give you a mini-vacation?  Could you look into a companion for your parent for a couple afternoons a week?  Anything that would give you a break?

Anyway, my message to you is to listen to what your body is telling you.  It's telling you that you've reached your limit, and you need to cut back so that you can get back to your normal.  You have to put yourself first, and take care of yourself, because nobody else will take care of you, correct?  You are no good to others if you don't take care of yourself first.

In the meantime, try not to take your parent's behavior personally.  BPD--and dementia, and pain--can make people nasty, and usually the nastiness is directed at the people who care for them most.  They don't hate you, it's just the BPD (or dementia or pain) talking.