I messed up and need advice please.

[IMissHer21]

Hello, this is my first post on this site and I’m looking for advice on my current relationship with my spouse whom I has undiagnosed bpd.

Below is a short timeline of events;
We have known eachother for just over a year, met at my old workplace when she joined (I no longer work there). We had a rollercoaster relationship lasting roughly 8 months with 22 breakups (on/off periods) initiated by her and all boundaries broken. Don’t get me wrong I was far from a saint (neither of us had ever been unloyal however I had shoved her previously before in an argument) I had had enough and decided to end things myself and we went no contact for 4 and a bit months.

One evening I was out in town with my friends and she happened to walk past I turned my back to ignore but she grabbed my arm (gently) and asked to talk, I said okay and we spoke… nothing really important. But it all started again from there.

We have been speaking again for the last 2 months and she has been so good. No on off periods, a keen sense to learn and educate herself on bpd after I’d spent months trying to open her eyes and we agreed to have a fresh start both realising the 8 month rollercoaster we had experienced before was not a relationship but just one big joke.

Everything was going so well perfectly in fact we loved on eachother deeper than ever before but then we had an argument. She came home from work one day to our flat, everything was fine then I started getting irritated over nothing (I really don’t know why) the argument escalated and I shoved her and put my hand in her face. I feel like a monster. She upped left and got her mum to pick her up (her mum has bpd diagnosed as does a lot of her family) she arrived at her mums I tried to call her she answered crying and ended the phone I then recieved a message from her saying

“ After this I don’t want anything to do with you, leave me alone. You have proved to me nothing is going to change”

She then blocked me on everything. It’s been 3 days I’ve tried calling numerous times I’ve tried to text her she still has me blocked and just lets all calls ring out. She has unblocked me on Facebook (probably to snoop but Facebook if you unblock someone you can’t reblock them for 48 hours) but everywhere else remains blocked. I have plans to send her a 100 rose bouquet this weekend and remain no contact. We have had worse arguments/disagreements in the past and she would always get back in contact with me within the month but this is heartbreaking.

I own my bad behaviour and actions and have seeked anger management therapy within the last few days and am going to go through with it and I understand there is no excuses for my actions no one should be ever resorting to violence. I’ve said the same to her when she has slapped or kicked me before that no matter what we should never be putting hands on eachother.

I miss my girl, I want her back, please advise me on what to do and how I can get my beautiful budgie back.

Thank-you for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

She came home from work one day to our flat, everything was fine then I started getting irritated over nothing (I really don’t know why) the argument escalated and I shoved her and put my hand in her face.

Can you explain this a bit. How violent was this? Did you punch her? Has she been bruised?

It’s been 3 days I’ve tried calling numerous times I’ve tried to text her she still has me blocked and just lets all calls ring out.

Has there been any communication? How many texts did you send? Have they been long? What has been the message?

I own my bad behaviour and actions and have seeked anger management therapy within the last few days and am going to go through with it

Did you enroll in a class? Have you gone?

I would encourage you to stop trying to communicate and talk this out here and get some guidance on how to move forward. It's three days, you don't want to flood the situation with unanswered communications - it will feel like bullying.

[IMissHer21]

Hello Skip,

Thankyou for responding to my thread. I have answered your questions below.

I’ve never punched her, I shoved her then walked away then she was just going on and on so I went to push her in her face but my finger went in her mouth and the inside of her mouth she then started to cry I tried to comfort her apologising realising what the hell had I just done because it wasn’t intentional it’s like my body just naturally reacted this way. If I had thought to do something like this I simply wouldn’t have done it.

There has been no communication from her side whatsoever.
I’ve tried to call her a few times from other numbers every time she lets it ring out or as soon as she hears my voice she ends it without a word. Yesterday was a perfect example,  called her from another number she picked up I just said “(Her name) I Love You” she then ended it again straight away it’s not been just over 24 hours since I have attempted any contact.

I haven’t enrolled in any classes as of yet but I’ve signed up to a website it’s 35 pounds a week and you have access to one to one anger management sessions.

Thankyou for your response I agree with talking this out here and not flooding the situation. I do want to send her 100 roses. What’s your opinion on this. I also just don’t understand why she had blocked me everywhere but within the last 3 days has unblocked me on Facebook.

[Skip]

How many texts did you send? Have they been long? What has been the message?

Can you answer this too? How many emails/texts/DMs have you sent? What have you said to her?

I do want to send her 100 roses. What’s your opinion on this.

Don't! Here is why. If anyone is advising her they will tell her to expect and to not be mislead by the "honeymoon" reaction. Don't sabotage yourself.



Spend the money on face-to-face anger management program. Get into a 1 day or weekend course before you do anything else and don't tell her (telling her will make it look like a ploy).

In the long run, an AM course will be far more meaningful than a "box of chocolates". And it will help you. And you can talk to us about it as you work through it - we're here 24/7.

I also just don’t understand why she had blocked me everywhere but within the last 3 days has unblocked me on Facebook.

Stay cool, brother.  It's just 3 days. She feels very violated / disrespected. Bombing her phone with messages or her workplace with roses will feel more disrespectful because she is telling you she needs space. The phone messages and roses will be perceived as "you are all about what you want/need" as opposed to "what she wants/needs".

Can you find the strength to do this? To stand down and work with us?

Tell us about the texts/emails/DMs so we can advise you on they types of thing you can do that will be constructive with respect to communicating with her.

[IMissHer21]

SORRY IGNORE THE PREVIOUS RESPONSE ABOVE THIS ONE! For some reason only half of the response got posted.

Hello Skip, Thankyou for responding again.

I have answered your questions below.

I’ve sent one paragraph the paragraph has been copied and pasted here;
I tried to message you on Reddit I know you don’t want to speak to me and don’t want to hear from me but I’ve had to just pay £15 just to send this message look I feel horrible about yesterdays events. I’ve not been sleeping eating none of it. I’ve made arrangements to move 250 miles away but I’ll still keep paying for the nest as a second property. because I’ve just had enough of how my life is. I need a fresh start it’s all been arranged the only thing that was keeping me down here was you baby. And I broke it. I am so so sorry for how things went yesterday if I could turn back time I would you’ll never know and or understand how much you truly truly mean to me my little feathery. I don’t understand why my reactions were like that yesterday there are no excuses. I’ve sat thought all day and I think due to holding in the anger all week it just came out because the whole thing wasn’t even anything to blow up over. The conversation/bickering was to do with why you still had people you had kissed on your social media. It’s like a big middle finger up to my face. of course doesn’t and never will justify my actions. I wanted it to be you and I we made such incredible progress even you started to change for the better do you know how proud you made me when you said the other day it felt bad being in cameo so you came home. Wow what a step forward for us. Honestly. That made me so happy our cute little day out talking like budgies on the Seaford beach everything was falling into place. Like I said I’m so sorry and I pray you can find it in your featheries to forgive me. Remember when you hit me and kicked me I never left you or used it against you not once never would. Size doesn’t matter it’s still not right we shouldn’t ever be doing these things and it breaks my heart to think that a moment of madness from my side has made you now believe that that’s how things would have been when that isn’t the case I promise. I will always believe no Know that we are soulmates the connection is too deep we bring out the inner child in one another every single day and it brightens up our every days a connection no one else gets to experience our little ways words actions. Please forgive me and speak to me when you’re ready, i PLEASE READing love you please never forget this. I never wanted us to end my budge but if you can’t find it to forgive me and learn to work together then okay I will leave you alone. I realised you’ve blocked me everywhere even Reddit because I’ve posted so take some time like I said I’m here when you’re ready my darling but after this message I’m just going to start the moving on process. I wish you nothing but the best.

Since sending this I’ve tried to phone her about 12 times each time she has let it ring out not answering or she has blocked my calls. I called one last time over 30 hours ago now she answered not knowing it was me and said “hello” I simply said “(NAME) I love you” to which she hung up straight away.

I haven’t tried again since and it’s been difficult as we are officially no contact I’m still blocked everywhere except for one platform (Facebook) and I don’t know what to think.

Thankyou for bringing me back to reality today reminding me to remain calm and that it has only been three days. During the 8 month rollercoaster we had previously endured together there was always the same or similar pattern when she had split the 22 times. I’d be blocked everywhere except for one platform for up to a 5/6 days then we both would be posting subliminals that we both knew were aimed at one another. Then next week she would phone me on no caller id or a private number and ask to meet up/talk/sort things out.

We have had worse arguments/disagreements than this and always found our way back to eachother and if we managed to go 5 months without one another to then be back again. I have some hope.

Thankyou once again. Skip.

[Skip]

During the 8 month rollercoaster we had previously endured together there was always the same or similar pattern when she had split the 22 times.

What was the similar theme of the conflicts that lead to splitting up? What do you fight about? Hoe often does it become heated where one of you shouts, or bangs things, or gets physical?

[IMissHer21]

Hello,

I wouldn’t say it was a similar theme, some days she would just up and leave. But this has happened a few times where I’ve been physical (pushing) never hitting never slapping never kicking none of that. I’m not trying to justify anything to clarify. It usually gets heated we both shout but we always have conversations where we sit and discuss that shouting alone shouldn’t be happening and neither of us like it.

As far as an update I’ve stayed silent the last 2 days and today she has started posting quotes on Facebook I believe are aimed at me such as;

(“It had to happen, so I could grow. It had to break me, so I could start again. It had to end, so I could see what was truly meant for me”)

And another one complete opposite of the spectrum that says

(“It’s not about money or the place, it’s the person”)

These quotes I believe are aimed at me the first one due to our situation and the second one I believe aimed at me due to my current financial circumstances are far from good.

[Skip]

I wouldn’t say it was a similar theme, some days she would just up and leave.

Very often in relationships, the reason for the fights are repetitive. Not necessarily the exact same thing (e.g., I don't like who she has on social media) but the same type of thing (e.g., jealousy).

Nothing like that?

But this has happened a few times where I’ve been physical (pushing) never hitting never slapping never kicking none of that. I’m not trying to justify anything to clarify. It usually gets heated we both shout...

Why do you get physical with her and others? Do you know? Is it a way to win or end disagreements?

[IMissHer21]

That makes a lot of sense that usually arguments/fights are repetitive. Ares definitely seem to be, from my point of view it’s incredibly difficult arguing with her as it’s like talking to the wall. She will seem to dissasociate completely zoning out half of the time. A lot of our arguments are either over social media or outsiders opinions on our relationship.

I don’t understand why I get physical pushing her is not right and not on. I will fix this.

I tried to call her this morning, she picked up I said can you talk she immediately put the phone down on me. So my guess is I’m going to have to stick to no contact properly from today.

[Skip]

I don’t understand why I get physical pushing her is not right and not on. I will fix this.

A lot of us have developed "insecure" attachment styles. It has a lot to do with how we were raised/loved as kids and, in part, our relationship history. This is why a person with BPD traits is so attractive to us. A person with BPD traits over emotes and that bridges our insecure attachment.

I like carbonated water. I really don't need to know how they got those bubbles in there to know I like it. The same is true for loving our partner, we don't feel need to dissect the elements of attachment, we just like it.  

But, the minute my bottles of carbonated water have all gone flat, or my relationship has some repetitive level of over-reactivity or even violence, I need to understand why if I want to fix it.

Would you agree with this?

A lot of our arguments are either over social media or outsiders opinions on our relationship.

These are potential threats to the relationship. Right? No one likes that. There are books written about how social media affects relationships. And outside opinions have been a complication since the Neogene Period.

To someone with insecure attachment, social media and outsiders opinions can feel very threatening. With insecure, we are already on heightened alert.

And now we have something we really cherish and something we perceive as very threatening to it...

... can you see how this dynamic can form?

I don’t understand why I get physical pushing her..

There are many different defensive ways that we can react to the threat above. We have to cope. Dominance and control is one coping mechanism. One partner tries to control the other partner and control how they see things and what they think.

Dominance and control imbalance in a relationship can take many forms, including threats, 'stalking' behavior, and physical abuse.

Do you think, possibly, you are coping in this way?

it’s incredibly difficult arguing with her as it’s like talking to the wall.

This can be her coping mechanism to being overwhelmed. She probably has been overwhelmed by dominance and control was at times and withdrew. And someone with insecure attachment would naturally push harder.

I hope this is helping. It's hard to hear, I know. But I sense you really want to do what needs to be done to make things better.

So my guess is I’m going to have to stick to no contact properly from today.

I don't think this means anything. First she the one who is "no contact". Second, the minute she reaches out to you, you are going to engage. Forget "No contact". It doesn't apply here.

I think what is meaningful, is to respect her request for space and allow her the ability to get in touch with how she feels without trying to influence her she should think. Let her be in control of her. Stay away from all of this type of thing.

.

I realized you’ve blocked me everywhere even Reddit. I’ve had to just pay £15 just to send this message [because of your actions] The conversation/bickering was to do with why you still had people you had kissed on your social media. It’s like a big middle finger up to my face.  [because of your actions] you started to change for the better do you know how proud you made me Remember when you hit me and kicked me I never left you or used it against you not once never would  [you should think the same] Size doesn’t matter it’s still not right we shouldn’t ever be doing these things  [you should think the same]

“It had to happen, so I could grow. It had to break me, so I could start again. It had to end, so I could see what was truly meant for me”

This is just an Internet meme so you can really dissect it too much, but it is clear enough that she is trying to get space to clearly think about how she feels without influence. She also might be trying to punish you a bit for hitting her. She hasn't moved on.

I will fix this.

Yes. Start now, man. Recognize that dominance and control is unhealthy coping and resist this deep drive to try and influence her. Let her gather her thoughts without your permission. Let her be in control of how she feels without your permission. Let her feel safe that she can answer the phone and unblock you without having you rush in - sit back and wait for her to contact you on her terms.

Use your waiting time to get into anger management (dominance and control) program. Reprogramming your "inner child's" coping behavior, to use your term, is going to take time and discipline.  And you don't need to tell her about it as she will notice the difference.

In the meantime - if you love her, show her by giving her space. Show her by taking anger management to improve yourself (not a conditional action to get her back).

[IMissHer21]

Wow thankyou so much for that in depth detailed response.

I definitely agree completely with what you’ve suggested below regarding having an insecure attachment style. Funnily enough I actually tried to educate her on attachment styles recognising that the push pull we endured in the previous relationship resulted in me researching all about bpd and attachement styles I actually used to be a member on this site a few months back. I believe I have an anxious attachment style and her I believe to be avoidant I just can’t figure wether anxious or dismissive. I’d lean more toward dismissive as every time we have an argument or fall out I say we have to talk about things but she hates HATES having difficult conversations and usually makes small remarks or comments moaning about it and can tell she is always trying to avoid difficult chats so that we can progress and come to a resolution or solve the issue together. Almost like she’d like to avoid it and just ignore it but I’ve explained that’s pointless as the problem is still going to be there.

I can’t stand social media and would rather have been born in the 1900,s for sure where love was so much simpler and real. Social media has caused and is causing so many issues not just relationships.

I agree with your below statement and will open up here. I had a rough childhood put in care from the age of 7 after being beaten and neglected everyday by my father. I have opened up to her about it and she has been incredibly supportive and helped me move forward she always gives full attention on the matter, physical comforting touch and understanding/patience. It’s one of the things I love about her and most importantly she has never ever spoken about it to anyone else nor used it against me ever where as other girls have in the past. Not looking for sympathy on this situation it is what it is. However I’d blame my upbringing as a main contributor to why I have reacted the way I have. But I want to do something so desperately about it and will do so.

You’re right with what you say about giving her space she seems to be looking at my socials as I just caught her unblocking my TikTok for a moment to then re block again.

Unsure how she will take receiving the 100 roses bottle of rosé and teddy tommorow I can’t cancel it so a bit worried about it to be honest.

But yes I will give her her space from today and not reach out anymore.