Violent rage management for swBPD

[Koguma]

Hello,

I put detailed description about what happened below just give you some perspective about the situation. It might be disturbing to read for some of you though.

Yesterday, my husband who has BPD exploded with extreme rage. This happened multiple times throughout our 1.5 year of relationship but it seems like it's getting worse even with his treatment for 14 weeks of DBT and ongoing individual therapy because he seems to be more transparent of showing his extreme level of anger in front of me and probably subconsciously knows that I would try to make him calm down. He doesn't exhibit his rage in front of others probably because there are less triggers from them or he manages better with them. I feel isolated and left alone trying to find a way to manage it from books and articles I've been reading.


He was upset with me yesterday morning because I'm ignorant or silent- this has been recent issues and makes him really angry when I try to avoid the interaction with him while I'm regulating my emotions- and he imagined or daydreamed that I'd be cheating on him or talking to my friends how bad he is, which is not true. I was going to explain it that is not what's going on but his mood got escalated quickly while he was telling me his imagination/paranoia and it was already too late for me to tell him because he didn't give me a sec to talk and interrupted me and said "This is f***d up, I have to end my existence and it is pointless". When I pointed out he raised his voice and not giving me a chance to explain about what's going on, he got to the point where he couldn't think logically. Then, this rage monster came out and yelled at me to talk to him. I knew it won't help him to understand and whatever I say wouldn't help him to calm down so I wanted to let him talk more and listen rather than me saying, so I said "I want to listen to you but you're angry at me". Probably my words/tone were not enough to validate his feelings.

This was the red button. This monster took him over completely. He punched himself on his face, legs, pillows really hard and everything else that doesn't break. The voice, face, everything he showed is just not him.  I lost my mind and tried to prevent him to hurt himself. He screamed, cursed, punched, said " What the f** did you say to me" over and over and told me he was going to burn himself, jump off the terrace, and kill himself. He was looking for something to kill. I was horrified and had to stop him to do anything dangerous. We struggled physically for 5-6 minutes to the point we got so tired. I grabbed and hugged him not to hurt himself and he was trying to escape me to find something to kill himself. After the struggle, he said he had to leave. Then, he got raged more that he couldn't find his socks and had to put his bare feet into his shoes. All I did was saying repeatedly to him and hugging "I love you so much, I care about you, I don't want you to die, I'm sorry to make you feel this much angry".  His anger got a little down and stormed out. I checked his location and found he went to the coffee shop where he goes all the time so I knew he wasn't planning to do something serious so I messaged him and apologized again.

I've been thinking and feeling like this relationship won't work. I feel horrible that I can't do anything when he is extremely angry and I worry about my own mentality. Am I being abused? Is this okay? I feel fine after a few hours passes. He later told me he was in great pain and it wasn't anger and he wasn't angry with me. He doesn't want me to use the word 'anger' and use 'pain' instead.

How can I help and manage this kind of episode? I don't know what point he is going to explode that much. When he explodes, what should I do? Some says, call 911, leave the room, etc. As you could see, there are no moments I can call 911. I have to stop and hold him physically not to do anything unsafe until his anger level goes down a bit. He is big and it is just so hard for me to do that. I can't even leave the room because I know he is going to do it in that state and it will escalate even more if I leave. All the anger management youtube videos, books don't help because  it says I should prevent to escalate but it doesn't tell me what I should do when it reaches to the limit and find the safe way for both of us.

 

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[Granite Chief]

I hate to say it but with DBT and counseling things will get worse before they get better. He is bringing up all his trauma and remembering things he forgot or pushed down. My wife did 52 weeks of this, and it got way worse, and you will feel more isolated. She is a new person now. Not perfect but way better and she can stop most of her splits. She is not perfect but it's at least manageable now.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? What books have you read? Counseling, church, eating right, exercise, meditation, good night sleep, hanging out with friends are all things that you should be doing. Well, the church thing if you believe.

[Koguma]

I hate to say it but with DBT and counseling things will get worse before they get better. He is bringing up all his trauma and remembering things he forgot or pushed down. My wife did 52 weeks of this, and it got way worse, and you will feel more isolated. She is a new person now. Not perfect but way better and she can stop most of her splits. She is not perfect but it's at least manageable now.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? What books have you read? Counseling, church, eating right, exercise, meditation, good night sleep, hanging out with friends are all things that you should be doing. Well, the church thing if you believe.

I'm glad to hear that it works out eventually. I probably have to be more patient.  I want to believe it will be alright in the end. He told me the same thing that his therapist told him it's going to get worse during the treatment. In the mean time, I can't handle another fight/argument with him. I almost feel like he is testing me if I truly love him despite of his illness. I recently started doing my regular meditation practices which I stopped doing it for a while, reading a book called " Loving swBPD" recommended from this forum, hanging out with friends and going out dancing- I teach dancing.  I also have been listening to lots of lectures by my favorite monk.

[Granite Chief]

That is very good to hear that you are working on taking care of yourself. He is testing you and this won't be easy on you or him. I have my struggles myself and this is a game of attrition. It is a horrible way to put it, but you need to be a rock. Taking care of yourself and knowing when to draw a boundary.

What I have been working on is am I being codependent and if so, is it hurting my wife? In turn hurting myself. I have read I hate you don't leave me and stop walking on eggshells but I think I am going to read that book you mentioned.