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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: First post, at a loss of what to do  (Read 399 times)
Danny123

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« on: October 11, 2024, 04:28:27 PM »

Hi,  my wife and I have been struggling for a long time and recently it was confirmed by our couples therapist that my wife most likely has BPD.  My wife has essentially stopped our couples counseling due to her feeling blamed and unsupported in therapy.  Our counselor meet with me individually and pretty much told me that she doesn't have any real hope for us.  It doesn't appear that my wife is willing to recognize or look at what is happening for her.  There are times when she will and then it can all seem to go out the window and she believes the reason we are struggling is because I never really loved her.  I feel like I have done everything I possibly can to support her and try and make her happy but no matter what small things will cause her to treat me like I am a terrible husband who must not love her.
We have two boys 5 and 7 and I am really at loss for what is best for them.  I have realized that no matter what I do it wont fulfill my wife and I feel hopeless on that front.  I do not know what is best for the boys, to leave my wife and have 50-50 custody with our boys or to stay and try and become more impervious to her attacks on me so at least I am there all the time.  I have always believed that keeping the family together is the most important but after a lot of counseling I am really starting to question that and I was curious if anyone had experience of co-parenting after a divorce vs trying to stay with a person with BPD.  I am worried that if I stay what my kids are experiencing as their main example of a relationship.  I don' t know if I can be happy in this relationship because of criticism and attacks even if I know it is not about me.  I am a pretty sensitive person and it is so hard for me not to take it personally when she is so upset with me.
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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Danny123

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2024, 04:32:03 PM »

Sorry, I just read the guidelines about not a place to discuss "stay" or "leave."  Let me rephrase,  Does anyone feel like they have gotten to place with their romantic partner who has BPD where they feel their needs are being meet?  What helped you get there?  Do BPD symptoms occur more or less with age?
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kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3868



« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2024, 05:06:37 PM »

Hi Danny123 and welcome to the boards  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

No worries about figuring out how and where to post -- we get it that you're newer here, and it can take a minute to figure out navigating around the site.

Each board has its own unique focus; this one (Bettering a relationship) focuses on members learning and applying high-level skills/approaches. Anyone can benefit from learning those tools, and even if you're unsure right now what direction to go, you can be benefitted by our relationship skills area and section on managing conflict, for example.

We do have a Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting board that could also be a good fit for your situation. The focus there is less on personal skillbuilding and can be more on weighing pros/cons and navigating legal/divorce stuff. It's a valuable place to talk through real legal facts (vs fears/exaggerations/rumors/stereotypes). So many of us have "been there done that" and can share real-world experiences.

...

Given that you have two younger kids, it makes sense to slow down, take a breath, and assess your situation before making big decisions (whatever those may be).

While I don't know your situation as well as you do, often people think they've been being helpful, supportive, giving, and sacrificial in a relationship -- doing everything they could according to "normal" relationship tips -- but if BPD is involved, then it's critical to remember that what is most effective is often very, very unintuitive.

When we stop doing what comes naturally/instinctually to us, and start learning and trying new tools/skills/approaches, it is possible we can be more effective interpersonally, and that brings some hope that the relationship can become "livable enough" (not perfect, and still an "emotional special needs" relationship, but it can get less bad).

An example of stopping our instinctual response and trying something unintuitive could be in the area of invalidation/validation:

When we hear a loved one say something like "I'm so fat and ugly, nobody loves me", our intuitive sense is that we should encourage them, or prove that they're wrong, or remind them of how much we love them:

"No you're not babe, you look amazing! I love you so much and think you're incredible".

As odd as it sounds, that's an invalidating response that can be hurtful.

Instead of us hearing the feelings going on, and listening to and acknowledging those dark feelings, we've essentially told our loved one: "the way you feel is wrong and I'm not hearing you".

A validating response (note: this is not agreement) would be:

"Oh wow... it must be so painful to feel that way".

...

Anyway -- I think I'm circling towards your questions here:

Does anyone feel like they have gotten to place with their romantic partner who has BPD where they feel their needs are being meet?  What helped you get there?  Do BPD symptoms occur more or less with age?

I think there are members here who, by stopping making things worse in the dynamic, and by radically accepting that their partner has emotional limitations, have come to a place where they feel like the relationship is "okay enough". They may need a larger support structure for getting emotional needs met appropriately -- family, friends, therapist, church, spiritual group, etc -- but yes, there are members here who, after accepting that their loved one is emotionally impaired, have been able to stay married and have it be okay. I don't think there are many "blissfully peaceful" relationships here because I think the nature of untreated BPD precludes that from happening. But what's "okay enough" for you doesn't have to look like anyone else's relationship.

I think there are some internet rumors that "BPD gets better with age" and while there may be some kernel of fact in there (possibly related to a published study, but I don't remember right now), I don't think it can be applied to every situation, as each pwBPD is unique. I think the "better with age" study may have had to do with intensity/frequency of observable harmful behaviors such as cutting, suicide attempts, etc, and whatever the study population was, did have a decrease of overtly harmful behaviors. I don't think the study tracked interpersonal stuff, so I don't think any determination can be made about whether those findings apply to blame, raging, arguments, criticism, etc. There are many members here whose pwBPD has not "improved" with age, and there are many members here whose pwBPD has -- it just depends.

...

Are you still seeing your counselor?

And how are your kids doing with the situation at home?

Fill us in, whenever works for you;

kells76
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Danny123

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2024, 11:04:29 PM »

Hi Kells76,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and informative response.  I am still seeing my individual counselor which I feel like is a life raft in a stormy sea.  I am really trying to rally behind my support network, I have reached out to my father and best friend to let them know the reality of the situation.  I have previously not discussed are relationship very much due to fear of upsetting my wife but I am beyond that and need to be able to keep a clear head and not lose my reality. 

It is hard for me to say about my kids.  They seem to be doing relatively well in school with friends and such but there does seem to be some resistance to doing fun activities.  They used to be more excited about going on bike rides or to the park and now they often say that they just want to stay home and have a break.  I am not sure if it is just due to being exhausted from school but I know how perceptive they can be and I know I am struggling so I don't know what affect that is having on them let alone my wife's behavior.

Do you have kids?  Are really would love to hear feedback on peoples experiences how a pwBPD affects their kids?  My counselor and our couples counselor had expressed some concern about them picking up her behaviors and I am wondering the signs of that?
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