Back & forth moods - do I leave him? Feel like a hostage

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 
I am new here.
My husband of 9 years displays many BPD symptoms. One of the hardest is the back and forth great moods - helping with the home, upbeat, energetic, positive, caring, gentle...it's so so nice. But throughout the years it has cycled back into the opposite - selfish, sleeps most of the day, expresses wanting to give up or even go somewhere and let himself waste away and die, becomes obsessed with sex and only wants cuddling if it leads to that, the rage, talks in circles.

I felt confident a few days ago I wanted to propose a therapeutic separation. Give him time to see if he wants to truly choose to start healing. But yesterday he started to act kind and sweet and all of the good stuff again...he's at a job interview today (hasn't been able to get steady work for almost 2 yrs now).

So my brain starts thinking, ok, maybe once he gets a job his mood and behavior will be more consistent. I question whether I'm jumping the gun, etc. If I do propose separation, he has hardly any money so it will be hard for him to find a place to live unless he stays with a family member out of state. And I also worry his potential job stuff will go down the drain and he will spiral very badly.

I feel like a hostage in this. I love him deeply b/c I know his soul is beautiful. But he's been so hard to live with. He extreme good and the extreme bad makes me feel like I am losing my mind b/c I don't know when enough is enough right now.

Any advice appreciated.

[violetlana]

 
I am new here.
My husband of 9 years displays many BPD symptoms. One of the hardest is the back and forth great moods - helping with the home, upbeat, energetic, positive, caring, gentle...it's so so nice. But throughout the years it has cycled back into the opposite - selfish, sleeps most of the day, expresses wanting to give up or even go somewhere and let himself waste away and die, becomes obsessed with sex and only wants cuddling if it leads to that, the rage, talks in circles.

I felt confident a few days ago I wanted to propose a therapeutic separation. Give him time to see if he wants to truly choose to start healing. But yesterday he started to act kind and sweet and all of the good stuff again...he's at a job interview today (hasn't been able to get steady work for almost 2 yrs now).

So my brain starts thinking, ok, maybe once he gets a job his mood and behavior will be more consistent. I question whether I'm jumping the gun, etc. If I do propose separation, he has hardly any money so it will be hard for him to find a place to live unless he stays with a family member out of state. And I also worry his potential job stuff will go down the drain and he will spiral very badly.

I feel like a hostage in this. I love him deeply b/c I know his soul is beautiful. But he's been so hard to live with. He extreme good and the extreme bad makes me feel like I am losing my mind b/c I don't know when enough is enough right now.

Any advice appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

  You will find excellent peer support here.  We've "been there, experienced that".  There is a wealth of time-tested wisdom, perspectives and strategies here.  Read, ask, ponder and you will become more educated and informed on your situation and options.

I felt confident a few days ago I wanted to propose a therapeutic separation. Give him time to see if he wants to truly choose to start healing. But yesterday he started to act kind and sweet and all of the good stuff again...he's at a job interview today (hasn't been able to get steady work for almost 2 yrs now).

So my brain starts thinking, ok, maybe once he gets a job his mood and behavior will be more consistent.

Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD), however dysfunctional they have become, are experienced manipulators.  It's very possible he noticed your changed behavior or attitude and decided to switch tactics to distract you with his surprise comment to seek a job.

Is there real basis to believe he has changed for the better - and sufficiently better?  Why?

I question whether I'm jumping the gun, etc. If I do propose separation, he has hardly any money so it will be hard for him to find a place to live unless he stays with a family member out of state. And I also worry his potential job stuff will go down the drain and he will spiral very badly.

I feel like a hostage in this. I love him deeply b/c I know his soul is beautiful. But he's been so hard to live with. He extreme good and the extreme bad makes me feel like I am losing my mind b/c I don't know when enough is enough right now.

Though I was separated from my then-spouse for a few months before my divorce, I never got any positive vibes from her and so I never pursued the possible option of therapeutic separation.

My divorce was all about whether I could manage to continue as parent.  Yes, there were sexual issues as well.  I recall one complaint was, "I feel like a prostitute!"  Left unsaid was my immediate thought, "Well, you wouldn't earn much..."  She had withdrawn from intimacy (as compared to prior pre-child intimacy) and I was not one to force or intimidate.

For you to feel like a hostage reveals very serious issues, even abuse.  Don't minimize the impact.  And he is both the good and bad together, you can't separate the good from the bad.  It's not minor discord like you like hot chocolate and he likes coffee.

That he sits at home and not seeking employment is another serious negative.  He has no real excuses.  By contrast, I was forced into retirement, life threatening heart problems, serious joint mobility issues, yet when finances turned more negative with ongoing inflation I promptly found part time work this summer.  It's  not nearly enough, but it's something.

[violetlana]

Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD), however dysfunctional they have become, are experienced manipulators.  It's very possible he noticed your changed behavior or attitude and decided to switch tactics to distract you with his surprise comment to seek a job.

Is there real basis to believe he has changed for the better - and sufficiently better?  Why?

What I'm seeing is somewhat unlike what I've seen before in terms of actually seeking a FT job. He's been obsessed with establishing a business but it's only had very modest success even though we have needed the income. It was surreal to see him, after 7 yrs, don a suit for an interview and come back with motivation... And having 2 more interviews within 2 days. It's nice but it's also SO confusing. It seems so out of character. I feel like I don't want to disturb IF this is progress whether I stay or not.
But the question is always... Will the timeline too decide perpetually shift?

For you to feel like a hostage reveals very serious issues, even abuse.  Don't minimize the impact.  And he is both the good and bad together, you can't separate the good from the bad.  It's not minor discord like you like hot chocolate and he likes coffee.

Yeah the way you describe this is on point and hits a nerve. What's the point in marriage if you feel like an emotional hostage? Thank you for validating. And yes RE it's not some minor usual relationship qualm like flavor preferences or tv shows.

I appreciate you sharing your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that hell. How are you feeling now that you're free of it? And yeah you're pushing through even with major health issues. I think about that related to him - like he's physically very healthy. But then I wonder...but is he emotionally handicapped? Like where's the line between he's helpless due to the symptoms and deep emotional pain versus he's making bad choices. I tend to vacillate between feeling sorry for him and being incenced, and I hate that I have that tug of war. I logically know though that it's up to him to get help. I can't be his mother.