What is Normal?

[Maya32]

Hey there! So I’m 33, married with 3 beautiful babies. My mom and stepdad raised me and my stepdad had BPD, Bipolar 1, and drug/alcohol addiction. I spent my childhood working hard to “get out normal”. My biggest fear was that I was going to be screwed up for the rest of my life so I took actionable steps to protect myself and my mental health. I felt like I was pretty successful.
     I do still feel like I did a decent job, but now that I have kids (the oldest is 6), I’m realizing that I have a really hard time with emotional regulation, split self-talk (one minute I feel really great about myself and the next I think I’m the worst mother/wife in the world), and just overall understanding what is normal.
     Little outbursts in my home trigger me and make me fear that my children are living the same life I lived (even though, logically, I know they’re not).
     Do other people who grew up in a BPD household experience this? And do you have any tools for getting a grasp on what’s normal, healthy conflict and what’s a problem that’s going to scar my children? Also, tools for learning emotional regulation, because I think I missed the mark on that one a little bit.

[Notwendy]

I could have written the same words you have. Growing up, I knew I wanted "normal" and to not put my future family through the experiences in my FOO. I was so afraid of being like my mother. I also worked with counselors to make sure of this.

I think parenthood has moments of challenging anyone and so will promote emotional growth. I think those of us who grew up with this kind of disorder in our FOO will have learned behaviors that were functional for us growing up but don't serve us as adults.

Poor emotional regulation is common to many situations. Adults help kids to learn these skills and role model them. It makes sense we would not be good at these. However, we can learn them and feeling triggered becomes opportuties to learn.

I don't think we need to be in counseling all the time, but during some times we may need it for support and learning. A mother might call her own parents when the kids are acting up, to vent and for emotional support. This isn't something I would do.

I think we have gaps in our development. In some ways we are more mature than our peers growing up,  but then we may also have gaps. Being a parent is an opportunity to have experiences that can fill these gaps in a different way. You can enjoy the kid activities from another perspective.

Counseling has helped me and also 12 step CODA with the kind of family issues you also have. I recommend this. Also, my children are adults and know I attend these groups. I wanted to role model that it is a positive thing to seek out help. I also wanted to break the cycle.

I haven't done it perfectly but my kids know they are unconditionally loved and that I have made every effort to do better with them. Your kids will too and you will do better with yours. The effort and work is worth it.

You've got this!

[Maya32]

Your response brought tears to my eyes! I’ve never spoken to anyone who has had similar experiences and handled it in a similar way. I’ve also used counseling off and on through the years for support and that seems to help. Have you read any books that have helped?

My brother and most people I know that I suspect have a BPD parent have not gone down good paths in life.

[Notwendy]

You aren't alone- posters here have been where you are!

Books on parenting or growing up with a disordered parent?
It's been a while for me since my kids are grown. I think the mistakes I made when they were younger was based on my co-dependent enabling behaviors and also fear of anyone getting angry at me.

If we have limits with our kids, they are probably going to be angry at us at times.

Adolescence was a challenge. I feared my kids were going to be like my mother but the similarity was my mother's emotional immaturity. Of course there are teen behaviors that we do need to be concerned about- but hormonal mood swings are a normal for that age.

I will try to think of books. For ourselves- we need to keep our cool when our kids are acting up, or tantruming, or being moody teens. We need to know when to intervene and when to let them manage their own emotions, even if they are tantruming or angry. I have a fear reaction to angry people so I needed to work on that.

A couple things I recall that helped with kids (can't recall the source) is positive discipline by role modeling and how we speak to them. We are supposed to be teaching them something from this. The kind of discipline I got was based on me being scared- of being yelled at or punished. ( they didn't hit me). So yelling at my kids isn't teaching them how to behave.

Instead of "take your feet off the couch" it can be "please put your feet on the floor" or "please take your shoes off before lying on the couch". Noticing when they have done something well rather than only correcting them. Sometimes we have to enforce a behavior but how can we do it in a teaching way? Sometimes it's natural consequences. (letting them experience safe ones- and protecting them). If they won't put a sweater on when playing outside- well they might feel cold and then go get one.

But they notice what we do in addition to what we say and so a motivation for working on my own co-dependency was to not role model it for them.

[CC43]

Hi there Maya,

In my opinion, it's completely normal to have a conflicting internal dialogue, thinking you are great sometimes, and then thinking negative thoughts sometimes too.  That you recognize this is a clue that you're attuned to your emotions and keenly aware of how self-talk can affect you.  And it's completely normal to feel "triggered" by ordinary frictions in your household.  Goodness, you have three little ones, and they are surely a source of joy as well as of frequent feelings of overwhelm.  There will be times that you don't handle situations as well as you could have.  You are human!

When I feel my self-talk getting too negative too frequently, and when little things start to bother me when they shouldn't, I take that as a sign that I'm stressed out.  That's precisely when I prioritize self-care.  For me, that includes eating right, and I shoot for a grade B, as in, not perfection but good enough, eating well around 85% of the the time, allowing for a weekly cheat meal and treats here and there.  I also prioritize adequate sleep and regular exercise.  I see exercise, especially outdoors, as a boon to my mental health; the physical benefits are secondary in my opinion.  By the way, you don't necessarily have to break a sweat for exercise to be beneficial--walking counts!  I know how hard it can be to squeeze in self-care with little ones, but if you don't prioritize that, nobody will.  I'd say, get a babysitter if you have to, just to get a couple of hours to exercise and/or time to shop for healthy foods.  Do you have family nearby?  Could you ask them to mind the kids for an afternoon?  And for me, it's almost impossible to tackle hard things when I'm sleep deprived.  Those days, I let the dishes pile up if needed, and I prioritize getting some sleep.  Typically I feel more energized and clear-headed in the morning.

Since you grew up with a disordered stepparent, I'm sure it wasn't easy for you, but you came out strong and keenly aware of disordered habits and thinking patterns.  That can be a superpower for you.  It probably wasn't fair for you to have to go through that, and it would be normal to feel some resentment and loss.  But it sounds to me like things worked out well for you, and that you have a beautiful family to show for it.  I would advise not to be so hard on yourself, and to prioritize your self-care.  The little ones will see a happy parent, and they'll also get to see what a "normal" parent looks like.

Then again, it can be hard to pinpoint what is "normal."  After all, people with BPD exhibit many emotions that are ordinary human ones:  anger, jealousy, despair, rage, hopelessness, boredom, sadness, disgust, frustration, disappointment, anxiety, etc.  The question could come down to whether the situation warrants these feelings, and if the feelings are "proportionate" to the situation.  It could come down to whether the frequency, intensity and duration of the feelings are within "normal" boundaries.  It could also come down to general emotional control and resultant ability to cope with life's challenges.  After experiencing family members with BPD and likely NPD, what's clear to me is that the frequency, intensity and duration of their negative emotions are super-sized, and their emotional responses end up interfering with their lives.  That is, their emotional outbursts and negative-self talk are severely infringing on day-to-day functioning.  They have significant challenges with maintaining amicable relationships with friends, family and co-workers.  Their daily routines and homes are chaotic.  They neglect their self-care.  They have long stretches of unemployment and non-completion of schooling.  They have impulsive responses and inappropriate outbursts that ruin relationships.  Their self-medication turns into substance abuse.  They have long periods of self-isolation and alienation.  They appear to self-sabotage.  They rely on others to do things that they should be doing for themselves, like paying rent or cleaning their living spaces.  Though they appear able to "pull themselves together" to get something they want, they seem like they aren't reaching their potential or pulling their weight.  I think that's because their mental illness is a severe hinderance.  And I also think that they have a super-sized victim mentality.  They spend disproportionate time blaming others for all of their problems, twisting fact patterns into unrecognizable explanations.  In my experience, the pervasive avoidance of responsibility is a hallmark.  They will have exceedingly high expectations for others, and yet no expectations for themselves.  They are all take and no give.  To me, these behaviors are indications of their dysfunctional thought patterns that aren't "normal."  And it's not just about a bad day here and there or a conflict with just one other person--it's a pattern of behavior that lasts for years and affects all aspects of life (family, workplace, friends).  If you are avoiding these behaviors in your home, I bet you're doing just fine.

[Methuen]

Maya,

I just want to welcome you, and say that reading your first post, what I notice is that you have A) awareness B) a desire to do better than your parent did for you C) a desire for "normal"

This is exactly what is missing from our BPD disordered parent.

Years ago, before I knew about BPD (my mom is undiagnosed), I (in my ignorance) tried having a rational conversation with my mom to try communicating to help our relationship.  I was sharing how some of the things she said affected me.

She famously replied "I like the way I am.  I don't want to change!"

You on the other hand, are asking questions, thinking and reflecting, and clearly want a better relationship with your children than what you grew up with, and you clearly love your 3 beautiful babies!!

A disordered person doesn't have awareness or desire to do anything differently.

Personally, my children were all grown up before I figured out there was something "not normal" with my mom.  It all came to a head after my dad died (an epic "abandonment" trigger).  The good news is I have a great relationship with our two adult children, who still like to travel with us (one also has a partner already and he comes too). Our kids pay their own way on big trips, and still choose to come!

     Little outbursts in my home trigger me and make me fear that my children are living the same life I lived (even though, logically, I know they’re not).
     Do other people who grew up in a BPD household experience this? And do you have any tools for getting a grasp on what’s normal, healthy conflict and what’s a problem that’s going to scar my children? Also, tools for learning emotional regulation, because I think I missed the mark on that one a little bit.

Being triggered is tough. There is a ton of information on this website.  Have you found it already?  At the top of the PSI (Parent Sibling In-law) forum, click on "How to Get the Most out of this Site", "Building a Healthy Life around a BPD mother or father", "lessons" etc.  There is so much there!  I spent years re-reading and digesting it, along with reading books and other sources.

As has been mentioned a lot of us here have counsellors/therapists. I can't underscore enough the importance of finding one who is a "good fit" for you.  As for emotional regulation, have you tried CBT, DBT?  Mindfulness, distress tolerance etc?  This has been a godsend for me.  It works.  Marsha Linehan, the person who created DBT (which is now applied as a gold standard for therapy around the world) herself had BPD.  One doesn't need to have BPD to find the skills from this therapy useful for self, and interpersonal relationships especially when we have grown up in a disordered household.  I think it helps to find the "normal" you are searching for, IMHO.

All the best! 

[Teabunny]

Welcome Maya!
 

Everyone else has already given the best advice so I second that. It's overwhelming sometimes for everybody just getting through the day as a "normal" parent, but one of the coolest pieces of advice I heard was:

Keep checking in with your 3 little ones! Ask them how you're doing as a parent, if they feel afraid when they see your emotions rise, or if they need more or less of something, or are they confused about anything that happened recently. A parent report card, if you will.

Yeah, they might say they want ice cream every night for dinner, but they might also feel more able to ask you a question about why you did something, or tell you they aren't feeling quite right about something. That'll make it lots easier to give them the best childhood experience they want, since they aren't really us and might not want exactly what we're trying to give them.

My husband and I also do this "report card" check-in with each other. How am I doing? What do you need more of? What do you wish I'd stop doing? Sure helps a lot!