Hi and
, glad you found us -- there's been a lot of stress packed into your life and relationship so far. Long distance is never easy, and if BPD is in play, that doesn't make it easier.
Am I assuming correctly that when you and your W are in touch/talking right now, it's mostly remotely (texting, Zoom, skype, facetime, etc)?
her ex boyfriend ( extremely abusive both mentally and emotionally ) attempted to contact her via his developmentally disabled brother to obtain permission to contact her . She ( thankfully ) refused and blocked them on social media . She worried over telling me for days , to the point she was tearing out her toe nails . We have been working through it on my monthly visits as I worked to obtain the necessary means to immigrate .
Tell me more about what you both are working through and how that looks. Are you working through what you both feel/think about both situations (your ID theft, her experience with her ex reaching out)? Are there trust issues? When you mention that she worried about telling you about the ex reaching out, what was it she was worried about? How do you respond when she expresses how she feels?
I and others have encouraged her to file charges ( there is no statute of limitations on sexual assault or pedophilia/circulating and possessing child pornography ) , but she shuts down at the mention of it .
That actually makes a ton of sense to me. She may be too raw/wounded to activate to do what others see as sensible/rational. It might be too soon for her. As counterintuitive as it sounds, I might stop trying to "encourage" her in that area.
pwBPD struggle from all three of the following:
-high emotional sensitivity (things you and I wouldn't notice or take personally, she does)
-high emotional reactivity (we might be annoyed at getting cut off in traffic, she might rage/weep)
-long return to emotional baseline (we might get over getting cut off in 30 minutes; it might take her days)
It wouldn't surprise me if she hasn't returned to an emotional baseline yet, so that means she really isn't in a place to be making wise, balanced decisions. If she's pulling away, that might be a low-skill attempt to get the space/time she needs to return to baseline. Hard to say for sure -- but possible.
Since this , she has been either extremely loving and in constant contact or very distant and cold . 4 weeks ago she had a severe BPD split and attempted to overdose on her meds .
I’m just at a loss . I want to help my wife , but don’t know how and none of the materials I’ve found ( YouTube channels , “ stop walking on eggshells “ book , therapists etc ) are helping .
What happened after the attempted OD?
A lot of
effective approaches to BPD are often really unintuitive and take time and practice. Plus, it sounds like BPD isn't the only thing going on with your W, either. BPD can be comorbid (co-occurring) with many, many other issues: trauma, ADHD, bipolar, OCD, depression... like you said, she's also coping with anxiety and health issues. And, each pwBPD is a unique individual -- what works for "most" pwBPD might not be effective in your relationship not because BPD tools/skills aren't effective, but because your W is a unique person and you two have a unique dynamic. It's a hard but freeing lesson to learn here: there are no magic fixes or perfect phrases, just a lot of learning about what human beings all want.
My gut feeling is that a good place to start is really --
really -- learning about what
true emotional validation is and isn't, and how not to be invalidating. If you could only click one link here, make it that one. Everybody wants to be understood and pwBPD are no different, just more sensitive.
After you check out that link, let us know what stood out to you, or what seemed "not to work" in your situation. Talk us through real dialogs, and we can help find areas that worked and areas to change.
I could really use an experienced voice to help . I’m truly lost and honestly wondering if I’m giving up my successful life in the US for a woman who’s going to ultimately leave or find someone nearer to her while I wait . She’s surrounded by absolute alcoholic , lay about , addict losers and repeatedly tells me “ they just had a hard go of it “. I don’t believe this . Drug and alcohol abuse was their choice , no one forced them )
What do you say when she says "they just had a hard go of it"?
To me, that 110% reads as a validation opportunity.
Hard stuff -- but it is possible to really, really, really improve at validation, which builds connection and trust and preserves relationships. (I got to practice validating our 16 year old who... tattooed herself. That was black belt stuff that I definitely could not have done at the start of my validation journey). My relationships are stabler when I stop invalidating and start hearing the real feelings behind the wild things people tell me. I bet we can find a validation (connection) opportunity for you as well.
Fill us in on more of your story, whenever works best for you --
kells76
