Children with a Borderline parent

[TheEuropean]

I met my partner 9 years ago and she came from a previous turbulent marriage and it has triggered BPD in her, but knowing her childhood and other things in her upbringing, it has been in her for many years and it has also been noted by people around her from her past relationships as I have read in old documents and others who have described many things that all hit the spot on BPD. When I met her and we got together and got married and everything was lovely and things went relatively smoothly for several years.

She has previously been to several psychologists before I met her, and one has mentioned Borderline as something that could be in her. She told me this herself, but refused to believe it, and at the time I didn't think much of it, since things were working well between us.

I have no children and I have not been able to have children with her, but she has 2 boys now 11 and 15 from her previous relationship. Initially, there was a 10/4 sharing arrangement, where the eldest spends 10 days with his father and 4 days with his mother, and the youngest spends 10 days with his mother and 4 days with his father. It actually worked well for several years and the boys also accepted me from the beginning, but until the oldest got permanent residence with us with his little brother due to some kind of violent episode, they both ended up living with us us permanently. It wasn't long before conflicts arose around the eldest boy and especially my wife. It has been going on for pretty much all the time he has been with us and until now. He has of course become a teenager, and with all that now comes with it. He is behind in his mental development, so he is often like a small child. The youngest is also behind, and the two are both working against their development. The youngest has always been very attached to me, and we have had a good relationship together through his upbringing.
But now to the challenging everyday life that has been going on for the last 5 years.

I can feel that my wife often has an outburst of anger mostly against the eldest boy and it can be bad with the same phrases and physical influences from the environment (without any kind of violence against anyone, and there never was)

I am often frustrated with the situation between us and especially the oldest boy, and if I become strict in my way of telling him what is right and wrong, but still in a pedagogically constructive way, then I am often later confronted with it from min. wife who thinks I should think about being just a child.
But when there is a conflict between her and him, bad sentences can come (

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[TheEuropean]

I can't post all my text, it stops here, but there is a lot more text. It says that there are still 7370 words left out of 16000. What's going wrong??

[Notwendy]

Aside from the BPD issue- if both boys are developmentally delayed- have they been evaluated for genetic causes and also for school services?

While you do want to have appropriate discipline, it also has to account for their mental and developmental age.  Having a mother with BPD may lead to some behavior and emotional concerns but it doesn't usually cause mental delays.

Sometimes delays in development can also exist with behavior problems so I hope the boys have had both physical and mental assessment. If not, I think this would help them.