Current Issue: Whenever we face any discomfort—big or small—my wife goes into flight mode. She announces that she is going to leave the kids with me and move to another country (without specifying which). Each time, I go through a process of reassuring her: discussing our future travel plans, reminding her of the good aspects of our life, etc. This usually calms her down, and by evening, she’s generally happy and thankful before going to bed.
However, this pattern now repeats almost every morning, consuming 2–6 hours of my workday. It’s becoming impossible to maintain.
On top of this, I struggle to control my own emotions. t
My Questions:
What can I do to break the cycle of her trying to escape and threatening to leave the family behind?
I think your answers are in your post. There are certain principles about behavior that apply to humans and also all living things- if a behavior is reinforced, it will continue. If it's not reinforced, then it's likely to diminish in frequency.
We can't control another person's behavior- we can only control our own behavior. However if a behavior continues- it's being reinforced. So then, we have to look at what we are doing that reinforces it. Also what is reinforcing your behavior because it's continuing with both of you.
Your wife has free will. She can leave if she chooses to. So far she hasn't. She's threatened to but she hasn't. If someone wants to leave- they will. You can plead, promise, but they control their actions. So this threat to leave is, at this point a threat. Why would she make this threat?
It gets your undivided attention and reassurance. Why do you repeatedly change focus on calming her down? Because of your own fears- it's managing your fears and so your behavior is a reinforcement.
She is "using you" to manage her own emotional distress. You are "using her" ( trying to control her feelings) in order to manage your fear of her leaving.
Step one- own your emotions. You may need counseling to help with this. Think rationally. If she left- it would hurt, you wouldn't like it, you don't want her to, but you will cope. If you can manage your fear, you can then change how you are reinforcing her threats.
Step two- she needs to learn to manage her feelings ( if it's possible) but she won't learn to do it as long as you are doing it for her. If you can change your perspective from you being nice and easing her pain to seeing how this stops her from learning how to manage her feelings better- then you may be able to pull back on soothing her when she makes these threats.
Don't disconnect or be cold- just begin to diminish your soothing responses. She doesn't have other self calming skills so don't make a sudden change- just gradually make some changes on your part- and reinforce less. Your calming conversation may actually be invalidating to her. She says she's miserable and wants to leave. You then say "but look at all the good things". Another approach would be "I am sorry you feel this way, it must really feel bad".
She may then vent. She may say things that upset you- like how awful you are- but try to not react- these are her own feelings - not necessarily true. You don't need to listen to verbal abuse. Likely it's about her being unhappy. But don't fix her feelings for her. Say things like "I am sorry you feel this way" . Also, if it's during the work day say "I have a work meeting now. I can continue this when I get home". Have some boundaries.
Do not change your work, your home, your stability according to her feelings. You have already seen that this doesn't work. She may believe it will but her feelings are a part of her, not where she is. Wherever you go, the feelings will go too and as you have seen, the feelings can change.
This isn't only due to being different cultures. Understandably that being out of one's culture may feel less comfortable, but these behaviors happen in BPD relationships even when both partners have the same culture.
