BPD Ex got engaged and I am honestly so confused

[Conflicted09]

Hey all, just wanted to get some advice on my current situation. To start, I am a 26 year old Male and my ex partner is a 24 year old Woman. I have been in an on again, off again relationship with them for the past 5 years as BPD makes it difficult to maintain a stable relationship. Each time we "broke up" it would lead to a period of no contact for about a month with them breaking contact (I believe this is called charming) which would lead to a reconciliation. The most recent break up we had occurred at the end of August as they got mad at me for not reaching out to them more first (definitely somewhat fair, but they would also go ghost sometimes and that made me feel bad.) That being said, same type of thing happened where I didn't hear from them for about a month and then they reopened contact as usual. The tone was just like when we were together: joking, flirty, just generally like old times.

Then, the news came last week: she was engaged to someone else. To say that this was shocking would be a total understatement. I felt a lot of emotions all at once: sad, blindsided, kind of angry; I was left wondering what the point of the last month and a half was if they were already engaged to someone else. Why make me think we were going back to business as usual if this was something in play? More on the engagement, they haven't even known this person for a year and they are an 18 year with NPD and has been/ continues to be so mentally, physically, and psychologically to her. I talked to them a bit more about it and honestly, they don't even seem sure of this whole concept themselves and they seem genuinely depressed with the concept of doing this. I know better than to try and use logic to convince them that they are making a huge mistake as I imagine they are very much in the idolization stage with this horrible person.

A little more on where my headspace is at, I am still very much blindsided by the news and part of me is really saddened by this news, but another part of me is kind of apathetic in a way? Like, I still do have feelings for them and want to be with them again, but they are a very dysfunctional  person in many regards who has split on me on more than one occasion and I know I will be ok in the long term if this is truly the end. I am really conflicted and among the questions I already asked earlier I am wondering why they don't just full block me on everything (they blocked me only on Instagram, but not on texting) it would just make stuff so much easier for me. They sent me a message on Saturday saying that that have and do still love me, but mentioned that they "love someone more ardently" I didn't respond as of yet, but I am tempted to respond with a message that conveys that while I believe they are making a huge mistake, they need to be the one to see that and ending it off that I will hold out for them, but I can't wait forever. I still do think there is potential for us and I don't want to abandon them completely, but with the information at hand I don't know how feasible that mindset is. I am so confused on what to do and I get laid off at the end of next month, so my head is in flux. I just need the council of those who are older and wiser than me on what my next move should be. Please, help me.

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[kells76]

Hi Conflicted09, we're glad you found us, and welcome to the group  

It is shocking when the pwBPD in our life moves on so quickly. We're left reeling, wondering what we're seeing and trying to make sense of the past, present, and future. I get it -- the timeline from when my husband and his kids' mom divorced, to when she was engaged to his (former) best friend, was about 3 months, and they were married about 3 months after that. It's really jaw-dropping.

It makes sense, too, that you're conflicted about trying to repair the relationship versus moving on. Five years is not insignificant, and even with the breakup-makeup cycle going on, there were good things about your partner that you appreciated. It wasn't black-and-white, all-or-nothing. That can make it difficult to decide how to move forward.

What's interesting to me is that it seems like you're actually in the driver's seat in terms of working to repair things, or ending things. It isn't actually all up to her and how she responds -- so much of this is actually about you and figuring out what you want, and, even more importantly, you working to manage yourself -- your fears, your anxieties, your hopes, your challenges.

Pending job loss doesn't make this easier, for sure. Like you said, your head is in flux right now. Getting yourself grounded and centered will be an important first step before making big decisions like -- do I try to reconnect/repair, do I decide to end the relationship, do I write and if so what do I say. Really critical to get yourself in a healthy/healthier space before trying to make big life decisions.

Tell me some about how you're taking care of yourself right now. How's your sleep? Are you seeing a therapist or counselor at all? Doing any movement/activity (walking, gym, etc)?

Nail down managing yourself, and I think some of those pathways will become more clear.

...

among the questions I already asked earlier I am wondering why they don't just full block me on everything (they blocked me only on Instagram, but not on texting) it would just make stuff so much easier for me.

I think this ties into the idea above -- you're in the driver's seat here. What do you think might be making it difficult for you not to check her socials, no matter what she does or doesn't do?

Is it connected to feeling anxious, or feeling something else? (no right or wrong answers -- just curious)

...

Really glad you reached out for some support. Fill us in some more on your situation, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[Conflicted09]

Hello, Kells76

Firstly, I would like to sincerely thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my situation. I'll going to try my best and reply to each of your points piece by piece. I do think I have a part to play in what happens next between me and my ex. Through our messages right when she told me about the engagement, it doesn't even seem like she is completely sold on the concept on engagement as I asked her if she was sure about it to which she replied "I don't know." Now, one of the traits of BPD is impulsive decisions, but she was always very serious about the concept of marriage and we had even discussed the idea between us. To add, the person she is engaged to is very much abusive towards them (I think a part on why I am not taking this so well is the fact that the person they are engaged to is a vile human being who makes me worry for her safety.) This being said, I have expressed this to her as well and it seems like it doesn't have much effect. I can lay out their fiancés malicious intentions (he has hit her and said some hurtful things to her on many occasions) but the blocker on that front is their willingness to accept the information which I don't know how much I can influence at this point in time.

I definitely agree that I need to get my head centered before I can really make a clear decision. In quick reference to my impending layoff, it was my first as this was my initial corporate job out of University so to say the times are changing for me would be a fair assessment. I have a decent amount saved up plus will be receiving a severance payment, so my finances are at least in a good position to weather some tough times. Honestly, my sleep has been very irregular as of recent and I am taking melatonin most nights to get myself to sleep; I have been seeing a therapist since February of this year who has been helpful, but I will have to stop temporarily once I no longer have health insurance since it is somewhat pricey in the states without it. I have the luxury of being in a walkable city, so whenever my mind starts racing I take a walk to my local park to let myself get some fresh air and I do want to start working out again if for no other reason than reason than to give me something else to do. I am also incredibly lucky to have solid friends who have helped to keep me grounded through all of this.

I have been trying to limit how often I view their socials as of late. I do think a part of what makes me go back to it is based in anxiety, but the other part of it is kind of a two parter
1. I still have feelings for them and I notice that they haven't bothered to take down pictures of us on their account
2. I worry for them. The type of stuff they post nowadays seems like she is not in a good place herself. I know her fiancé is treating her horribly and even if she loves him, I can't help but see this as being a self-destructive decision

That being said, I really do appreciate your willingness to hear me out on this. It really does mean a lot