Mom with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

First, let me say that I'm so glad that I found this website and forum because it has been a struggle. I've been struggling for most of my adult life to pinpoint what is going on with my mother and her mental illness, and when I came across BPD, it all just clicked into place. I later learned that my mom was diagnosed with BPD years ago. She told my sister that she disagreed with the diagnosis and stopped seeing the psychiatrist as a result. Although this totally tracks, I can't help but be so disappointed that she refuses to acknowledge that she needs help.

My mom believes that she's the main character in every story and that everything that everyone does is with the intention of hurting her or just not considering her, which is worst in her book. She looks at every situation and memory through this lens and will paint a picture that is objectively inaccurate and often offensive. She is like a cornered cat who lashes out at everyone in her path. It is exhausting. Maintaining a relationship with a woman that is so unstable is just really hard and feels impossible at times. Recently, we had a major rupture in our relationship because she looked through my sister's text messages and saw that I was complaining about something that she said. She also refused to tell me what specifically she was upset about and encouraged me to "soul search" to figure it out. It was at this time that I looked for support and found this community.  

I used the SETs tools to try and resolve our conflict, even though I felt it was unfair for me to do this work when I knew she'd do none of. I also knew that this would happen again, despite me bending over backwards to set boundaries and not put myself in this situation, and it has.

I'm not sure what I came here to say because it all just feels so hopeless. How do we offer support and empathy when the response is constant attack and abuse? I do feel empathy because I know that she's sick. I know that she has untreated illness and that she genuinely is hurting, but when is it no longer justified?

Thanks for listening. I hope this made sense.

[JWC1217]

First, let me say that I'm so glad that I found this website and forum because it has been a struggle. I've been struggling for most of my adult life to pinpoint what is going on with my mother and her mental illness, and when I came across BPD, it all just clicked into place. I later learned that my mom was diagnosed with BPD years ago. She told my sister that she disagreed with the diagnosis and stopped seeing the psychiatrist as a result. Although this totally tracks, I can't help but be so disappointed that she refuses to acknowledge that she needs help.

My mom believes that she's the main character in every story and that everything that everyone does is with the intention of hurting her or just not considering her, which is worst in her book. She looks at every situation and memory through this lens and will paint a picture that is objectively inaccurate and often offensive. She is like a cornered cat who lashes out at everyone in her path. It is exhausting. Maintaining a relationship with a woman that is so unstable is just really hard and feels impossible at times. Recently, we had a major rupture in our relationship because she looked through my sister's text messages and saw that I was complaining about something that she said. She also refused to tell me what specifically she was upset about and encouraged me to "soul search" to figure it out. It was at this time that I looked for support and found this community.  

I used the SETs tools to try and resolve our conflict, even though I felt it was unfair for me to do this work when I knew she'd do none of. I also knew that this would happen again, despite me bending over backwards to set boundaries and not put myself in this situation, and it has.

I'm not sure what I came here to say because it all just feels so hopeless. How do we offer support and empathy when the response is constant attack and abuse? I do feel empathy because I know that she's sick. I know that she has untreated illness and that she genuinely is hurting, but when is it no longer justified?

Thanks for listening. I hope this made sense.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it makes sense! Many of us here have similar experiences. Even if our mothers with BPD don't seek help- we can, and also it helps to know that you aren't alone. We can share our own experiences and advice to help others. Welcome to this group!

[CC43]

Hi JWC,

You seem to have a good handle on your mom’s behaviors. The cornered cat analogy is so apt—I hadn’t heard that before, but it fits. The cat is angry, defensive and looking for any sign of attack. She’s perpetually in fight or flight mode. Even a glance can bring out her claws, or make her run and hide. She’s probably wounded inside, thinking that others are the cause of her pain, wondering why they seem to stay away.  She’s upset that others never seem to fulfill her needs. But she doesn’t realize her situation is mostly self-inflicted. She’s stuck in a corner she just can’t seem to get out of!  She might never want to leave her corner, because it’s all she knows. In a way, it’s comfortable, and it’s working for her.  She may never embrace changes.

Knowing all that, you might find some useful tips on these boards. A key one is to ensure that you take care of yourself, because you’re little help to your mom if you’re all stressed out. I wish you some peace.