I struggle to care

[Jezz]

I knew it had been a while since I last posted here, but when I pulled up my last post I was shocked to see it's been 2 years!! And reading it took me right back to that moment and those feelings. A lot has changed in those 2 years, and much has stayed the same. As of my last post, my daughter (now 25) had just been kicked out of an intensive outpatient therapy program following our failed family therapy session. Needless to say, she blamed me 100% for it. She continued therapy with her psychiatrist until about 6-ish months ago when she says her Dr suddenly ghosted her. I have no idea if this is actually true, but she's off all meds and is no longer in therapy, and insists she's completely and forever done with both.

Also during the past 2 years, I stopped following her down the rabbit hole every time she spiraled. I stopped constantly trying to "save her'. I have started completely prioritizing myself, and my peace. When she goes into a rage and announces I'm dead to her, I happily "rest in peace" for the duration of our no contact. I don't call or text or even worry about her. I simply enjoy the silence.

Here's the problem: I think I have either become completely numb from all of the abuse, or I simply no longer care. I prefer it when she's not speaking to me and I don't have to deal with her. I prefer it when I don't see her. Even when she's feeling good and we're "friends" for the moment, I'd prefer not to be. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel like a horrible person. But I can't seem to move beyond this current state.

Has anyone else gotten to or been in this emotional void? Is it temporary or just yet another new normal?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[KitKat68]

Yep, I’m with you. Not to take away from your experience but I have written this post about my daughter (in her 30’s) wBPD. Other than her periodic emails verbally abusing me we have been no contact for a few years and I do not miss her at all. I do have some screwy feelings about the situation here and there but for the most part I’m just done.

Earlier this year I was telling my therapist that I can recall two times in my daughter’s life where there was some sort of normalcy. Once when she was 6yo and the other time when she was maybe 25yo. When she was 6 it was because her dad (my ex) had a life situation where he wasn’t able to see her for awhile and so I got a break from his parental alienation BS and her behavior improved for awhile. When she was 25 she tried antidepressants and it helped with the aggression but she didn’t stick with it. Otherwise it’s just been one garbage situation after the other.

The last time she split she did it after her stepdad and I helped her financially following a divorce and a dui, my mom loaned her several thousand for a lawyer and was never repaid despite the fact my daughter had the money to pay her back but to use her words, “I’d rather just spend the money on myself, I’ve been through a lot.” We discovered later she cheated her way out of the marriage and is now married to the guy she cheated with About the same time I learned about the dui which is not her first.

Well anyway, I could go on and on about that last splitting situation but something changed with me that last time and I walked away and haven’t seen or talked to her since. Whenever she splits she would always snarkily tell me to block her so that I could protect my mental health

[KitKat68]

Yep, I’m with you. Not to take away from your experience but I have written this post about my daughter (in her 30’s) wBPD.

This should have said …”but I could have written this post ….

[KitKat68]

It also looks like my post was cut off, perhaps it was too long

Anyway, there’s a chunk missing from my first response but I can definitely relate to what you had to say but the main part of my response that was cut off mostly asks if you think you’re numb, don’t care, or both? I think a few years back in this estrangement with my daughter I cared but was numb. The last year or so I just don’t care. Some parts of it I’m angry at

I’ve been one of her main targets since her dad died several years back and even though they were estranged when he died, she has him on a pedestal now and per her I’m not worth the paper my life insurance policy is written on. Intellectually I understand BPD, in as much as someone who isn’t BPD can understand, but I’ve just run out of gas with the whole thing. I care about her and hope she’s well but I’ve been verbally abused one too many times

[Zuzmat]

Hi Jezz, I was glad to read your post because this is exactly how I am feeling and it's reassuring to know I'm not alone.

I just don't know how to keep going at this. It's been 11 years and it is the same thing over and over - periods of relative calm and then back to self harm, overdoses, abuse and hatred (mostly directed at me), police, drunkenness etc
My husband and I do everything we can to support her, help her, show that we love her but it makes no difference. The pattern just goes on and on.
She is 25 now. She is an adult. She lives on her own - 300 miles from us and yet she still manages to make our life hell. Can I not just give up now? I've tried everything. She appreciates nothing, takes no responsibility for anything. It is slowly destroying me. Am I not entitled to a decent life or do I have to keep going, sacrificing all my potential happiness just to prop her up again and again for evermore?

So - yes, I get you. 100%.  We have to do what we need to do to survive.  Surely?

[js friend]

Hi jezz,

Iam with you. For me it has become my new normal and Iam truly thankful to finally get some peace before I die.

[AcheyMom]

I actually came to make sort of a similar post.  I feel so torn.  I yearn for a relationship with my daughter but at the same time the thought of being around her triggers me so I basically have been avoiding seeing her.  It’s as though all her crises has given me PTSD or something.  My life is peaceful without her chaos.  We text periodically and I tell her I love her which I do very much. I am kind and try to be supportive.  However even then she slipped in 3 links to angry music videos about parents ruining their children’s lives the other day.  Just out of the blue when I’m being nice!  She is 34 and I still can’t decide to walk away permanently.  It’s like I am damned if I do communicate with her and damned if I don’t.  Anyway, I relate very much to your post, you are not alone. 

[CC43]

Hi ladies,

I'm sorry your loved ones have put you through the wringer, perhaps literally squeezing every ounce of energy and money out of you.  It is indeed a seemingly eternal struggle to try to support them, and get them on the right track, only to be rewarded with vitriol and blame.

Do you struggle to care?  I bet you do care, immensely, because she's your daughter.  But you don't care for the way she's treating you.  I think it's natural and beneficial for you to want some peace from the relentless abuse.  For as long as she's abusive to you, you're better off protecting yourself in my opinion.  She's an adult, and she's responsible for herself now.  You did everything in your power to help her grow up, and now she's choosing to go her own way, even if she's miserable--and in the process, trying to make you miserable right along with her.  I think you need to protect yourself from her abuse.  Maybe you could think of it this way:  if you let your daughter to abuse you, that's not really loving her, because she won't learn that abusing others is wrong.  You love her more by showing her that abuse isn't acceptable.  Maybe eventually you'll be open to having a relationship with her that isn't abusive.  But she has to prove herself to you first.

I struggling coping with this illness too.  It seems that the young-adult phase is especially tricky.  It's a phase when pwBPD seem so childish, hapless and helpless at adulting.  Most young adults bump up against the reality of adulthood, but they learn and adapt.  With BPD, it seems that there often regression to toddler-like behaviors.  They have an adult body, privileges and pocketbooks, and yet they seem so self-centered and childish.  They get into super-sized troubles as a result.  And we might rush to step in and fix things for them at first, trying to shield them from harm and get them on the right track.  But at some point, we might need to recognize that no matter what we do, she's prone to make mistakes, even bad ones.  If we shield her from the consequences of her decisions and behavior, will she ever learn?  Probably not.

I don't know.  Sometimes I think of BPD like an addiction to sour moods and victimhood.  But then I think, I shouldn't be enabling an addict.  If they want help to get "clean" through therapy, then I'm all in.  But otherwise, I'm starting to think, they might be better off on their own, and face the consequences of their own decisions.  They're adults now.

You're not alone in your pain and suffering.  I wish you some peace.

[HerMom1989]

Wow.  THIs thread really resonates with me! My BPD daughter has just reestablished contact after 2 years saying she needed me.  Within a week I was treated to a barrage of hatred, screaming, etc.  Although I missed having my daughter in my life these past couple of years, at the same time, my stress levels were the lowest they have been since she was a teen. Now that she is back, Over the past 2 weeks I have felt sick to my stomach every time she reaches out to me and have felt guilty for feeling this way.  In fact, during her episode, I hoped that she would once again alienate me so I could have peace once again. She calmed down after a couple of hours, but I actually felt ok about another potential period of alienation.  I think I am just battle-weary.  Right or wrong, I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to me that there are other parents here who feel the same way.  I don’t know what is scarier; having her in my life or out of it.

[Flossy]

She is 25 now. She is an adult. She lives on her own - 300 miles from us and yet she still manages to make our life hell. Can I not just give up now? I've tried everything. She appreciates nothing, takes no responsibility for anything. It is slowly destroying me. Am I not entitled to a decent life or do I have to keep going, sacrificing all my potential happiness just to prop her up again and again for evermore?

So - yes, I get you. 100%.  We have to do what we need to do to survive.  Surely?

Yep you can just give up now. I did, I have. It's been 15 years for me.
My daughter is 52. I went through two stages after trying everything as well. For 12 of those 15 years. Then I got angry. I was so pissed I am glad I did not see her. I would daydream that I would run into her at a shopping centre, though we live in different cities. I kept thinking 'what would I do if I saw her or if she spoke to me". I was so mad I thought I would punch her in the face. This child was the light of my life.

That stage lasted a year. Then it became that if she contacted me I would respond with "Why would I want that back in my life?" or "I will consider talking to you if it is in the presence of a trained BPD therapist.

That moved to how it is now. I don't care. I don't want her back in my. life. I am not angry, hurt or fearful. I just don't care about her any more. I don't care about the injustice, the lies, the deceit, the implied abuse.
I now screen any female who seems to be drawn to me for any signs of BPD and cut them off in a heartbeat if I see one sign.

I am happy and I rarely think of her. My son, her brother died at age 20 from lung disease 24 years ago. I think of myself as the mother of two dead children. I don't do it to remain sane. I am sane. Now. I am finally sane. After a narcissistic mother, sexual abuse, narc brother and sister, my Borderline child, a child with a fatal lung disease and her rejection of me I am sane and happy as a goddamm clam and I will not apologise for it. Sorry guys, but they are a##holes. That is the bottom line for me.

[Flossy]

Update on my circumstances. I was never given a reason for her going No Contact 15 years ago. I got a letter saying "you are not to contact me or my family ever again in any manner".

All she ever said when asked was that she was angry with me and how did I think she felt when she had to ring me to make sure I had not done something stupid, when I foolishly told her I wanted to die. This was after fighting with my mother and family of birth to try to get my Narcissistic mother to stop giving money to my nieces that they spent on drugs and stop causing trouble within my awful siblings and I.

I have tried to think over and over what I did. Then just this week my husband said "I think I have worked it out". He thinks she must have been seeing a Therapist. As she had once criticised me for putting on makeup every day and I do have C - PTSD from sexual abuse and my mothers abuse, I used to have some learned "fleas" type of thinking from being brought up by a Narcissist.

My husband thinks that the Therapist may have told my daughter that I was a Narcissist. I was unstable due to the death of my son(20) (her brother) from lung disease after 20 years of care and I was highly emotional. I drove for 15 hours to see her on the Christmas after his death, with my husband and the cat (all unnannounced) and was met with an awful reception from her husband. (Narcissist and Undiagnosed on the spectrum..incredibly blunt, rude and rich as can be). We asked to stay with them and were given a mattress on the floor. Her husband picked up the cat from her shelter and she scratched him. He was livid with me. I cried at Christmas dinner. I should not have gone. It was so stupid of me, but I was devastated and wanted to be with people who knew my son and could not bear the first Christmas alone without him or family.

My husband believes the Therapist has told her to go No Contact due to my selfish act of arriving unnannounced and due to the fact that I put makeup on every day. Oh, and I had a breast augmentation when I was 27.

Her Inlaw family are incredibly controlling and incredibly wealthy. My daughter was arrested for embezzling from a bank she worked at when she was 18. She did so to be able to afford beautiful clohtes to impress the wealthy boyfriend she had at the time. I worked very hard to teach my children to have a great day regardless of whether they had wealth. or not, but she was always drawn to wealth. She did incredibly dangerous things as a teen like driving home staggering drunk after being out all night with a guy. Once I found out she was going to have professional photos taken by a photographer and I warned her that it was dangerous and to make sure she did not comply if she was asked to take her top off. I later found about fifty topless photos the photographer took of her. Later she worked in a nightclub and had sex with a guy on a pool table. Then she took off with another guy she met who promised to look after her in another city when she slept in her own garage because she had lost her key.

He turned out to be a drug dealer. My husband and I spent days and nights trying to negotiate with the police in her city to get her out of the house she was stuck in safely. After we got her back to us on a flight her boyfriend would ring my number and make her cat make noises on the phone.

Quickly after that she met again with her now husband who was an old boyfriend of hers when she was 13. She dropped him then as "boring".

But he had his own home and they have been married since. She was allowed to have one child by IVF as her husbands brother has Down Syndrome and he didnt want to risk a baby with DS.

I guess I am here to say that I feel my husband is correct in his guess that she believes I am a Narcissist. If that is so, then there is no chance she will ever even try to reconcile. I dont want reconciliation now anyway. She is too cruel. She tried to tell me I was a bad mother to my son, her brother. He had Cystic Fibrosis and I was the best mother I could have been for him. If she ever said to me something else to take that away from me, I dont think I could bear it. Too cruel.

So, I feel that it is best the way it is now. She thinks I am a horrible person and she is a cruel person so we will never understand each other. If the Therapist she saw knows nothing of her past (she never told her husband about robbing the bank), then neither the Therapist or her will ever know she has BPD. She will never reconsider that I may not be a Narcissist and I would have to spend the rest of my days being judged and observed in the hope of her changing her mind.

I am not willing to live that way. I was Scapegoated by my whole family, abused by my brother and sister in sick games and neglected by my father.

I have a loving, giving husband and pets as our furbabies. He reassures me because he says "I was there." I dont let anyone into my life unless they pass the BPD & Covert Narc red flags. I am happy and content with still this horror running in the background occassionally but I can go for many days without thinking of her or of the loss of my son. That is enough for me and I will now not allow anyone to mess it up. I tried so hard i thought I was going insane.

I hope I have not derailed this thread. I just needed to tell someone what we have realised and for it to be other mothers who can see there is a time to stop.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders