Getting CRAZY HERE

[Ladyslp40]

20yo daugther. Diagnosed: adhd, anxiety,  obsessive compulsive, mild depression and “suspected” BPD wish is the most accurate diagnostic for her condition. Only thing is she does not self harm and does not speak anything suicidal. She is not in meds anymore (used to be in prozac) which I think helped her with the anger. Tried a tons of therapist, none really helped. Tried a bunch of meds, anything seems to work. Cannabis daily use. She is in college, differents concentrations.  Sometimes I think she have intelectual discspacity too.
I am exahusted, drained. I am married (14years)(not to her father)and have a 5 yo son. She is an emotional terrorist, no friends, she doee not respect the house rules, always need money for gas and for cannabis or alchool. Does not want to work. Tried everything or anything. I am just “buying” peace for my family, when I give her money.  I am always anxious and nervous about what is her next move. Is this forever? I want her out of my life, as far as she can. I want her to be happy but very very far from me and from my family.  She does not want treatment because she lost faith in it. I am a christian mom, I just waiting for a miracle. :-( This is a super summary of years of struggle

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ladyslp40]

Also people in my life does not understand that she is ill. She is a brat because she is not NORMAL and sometimes she is getting what she wants because I need peace and I have a kid to protect. So yes, I sometimes “buy” peace. I am not ashamed to say here that my son is a priority. She is an adult now. I just want to QUIT to be her mother. This hurts me in so many ways. She is like a cancer that I can’t treat

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  Almost every word you wrote resonated with me since I went through the exact same experience.  My BPD daughter is coming up on 26 but at 18, she was horrific. 

You listed things that "didn't work" like we're talking about a headache or a sprained ankle.  There's no miracle cure-all for BPD and the only thing that makes things better is a committment to therapy.  Only, here's the one thing you have to understand....it's not your committment and this has nothing to do with you.  It's your daughter that has to be all-in on getting better, but she has no reason to since mom is bailing her out on everything.

She's an adult and you're not responsible for her anymore.  If she doesn't want to work, fine...there's consequences in life to not having a job.  Let her experience those consequences firsthand. 

Likewise, if she's disrespectful, then show her the door.  If she gets upset, dial 9-1-1 and have her taken away by paramedics or the police.  Tell her she's not welcome there anymore if she can't treat you with respect.  Again, actions have consequences and that's the #1 thing someone with BPD has to learn.

I don't envy you even though I'm largely on the other side of my kid's BPD journey.  We kicked her out multiple times and let her bounce from couch to couch, until eventually she'd hit rock bottom and get in a program.  She had zero interest in getting better so nothing changed for several years, and during that time we had limited contact with her.  No money, no rides, no shoulder to cry on....unless you want to show your parents respect and be a part of the family. 

It was hard for everyone involved, nobody wants to put their kid on the street, but it probably saved her life in the long run.  She had to actively want to change and that couldn't happen if she was allowed to abuse her family and take advantage of us.

I hope that helps!

[CC43]

Hi Lady,

I can relate to your post as my BPD stepdaughter acted in a similar way.  Her negativity was toxic, and her anger was out of control.  I think that daily cannabis use made her general attitude and habits much, much worse, and on top of that, brought on psychosis and paranoia at times.  You wrote "emotional terrorist," and I've used exactly that phrase to describe my stepdaughter.  When she tried college, her behavior spun out of control.  You wrote, your daughter might have some cognitive impairment, which would make college-level studies difficult for her.  In my stepdaughter's case, her emotional dysregulation probably made studying nearly impossible, and daily cannabis use certainly didn't help.  Her thinking was so distorted and out of control that her negative emotions took over her brain, pushing aside her logical thinking.  She'd complain that she couldn't concentrate.  I'd say, she had enormous capacity to concentrate, but she chose to concentrate on imagining that she was a victim.  She concentrated so much on her victim mentality that if harboring grievances were an Olympic sport, she'd be a gold medalist. 

In fact, I'd say that my stepdaughter is emotionally behind, such that her emotional age is only about 70% of her chronological age.  At 20, she was basically functioning like a young teen.  And if you think in those terms, it's no wonder your daughter is falling apart and acting out.  She's bumping up against an adult's world, with adult-sized problems and responsibilities, and she's simply not emotionally equipped to deal with it yet.  Though she has an adult-sized pocketbook and privileges, deep down she's probably so scared and "anxious" that she feels traumatized by life.  In a traumatized state, she has a fight or flight reaction to ordinary stressors.  My stepdaughter's default coping response was flight, which usually manifested as avoidance.  She'd cut people off, quit things easily, hole up in her bedroom and generally avoid life.  Though retreating might have felt comfortable in the short term, there's only so much wallowing, loneliness, internet scrolling and TV watching a person can take.  Eventually when she ran out of money, she would be forced to get out of bed and beg her parents for it, and then the rage was turned on.  She accused her family of being horrible, while simultaneously holding out her hand for money and help.  Sound familiar?

Anyway, it helped me to think in terms of emotional delays, because it gave me some hope that she would eventually mature, with the right support and therapy.  Now that my stepdaughter has been getting therapy (and taking it seriously), she's been doing much better.  And thinking in terms of emotional age, I've adjusted my expectations about her ability to cope in an adult's world.  She needs much more time and support than her siblings or cousins.  And she needs to progress in baby steps, because giant leaps are overwhelming for her.  In some ways, she's a slow learner, and she needs to try, fail, try, fail and try again.  She needs to regulate her emotions better, as well as to learn to tolerate some distress.  But with patience and persistence, she's been able to make a lot of progress, and if you didn't know her well, you probably wouldn't know she struggles with BPD.

Yet in your daughter's case, she's not treating you with respect, as Pook wisely points out.  Look, you wouldn't let a stranger come into your house, scream at you, break your things, threaten you or demand money.  You shouldn't let your daughter do that, either.  I understand that you are buying peace, because my husband did the exact same thing, out of love/fear/guilt/obligation.  He thought, if he just gave his beloved daughter whatever she asked for, if he just set her up in the perfect apartments and paid for tuition at perfect colleges, she'd be grateful and happy, and she'd figure life out.  Unfortunately, BPD does not work that way.  In fact, by REWARDING my BPD stepdaughter's bad behavior, she was incentivized to act out even more, not less.  Her meltdowns and acting out basically became a nuclear arms race, with ever escalating demands and threats.  My husband enabled her dysfunction for far too long.  Even if she was miserable, and making everyone around her miserable, why would she ever change?  Alas, if you want her to change, you are the one who has to change first, by not enabling bad behavior.

All my best to you.

[Sammy Jo]

I understand. I feel the same way. God be with you. He does work miracles.

Don't feel guilty about wanting her to be away. That is really the only way to have peace, as hard as is to accept.

Give yourself permission to block her, walk away, whatever you need to do. I know - I just blocked DD (22) b/c my phone was blowing up because she didn't get the answer she wanted.

Hope this helps you know you're not alone:)