My Spouse's BPD and my need to stop walking on eggshells

[Ramboc]

Hi,

My wife was diagnosed with BPD near 2000, got into therapy, went through DBT twice and after seemingly gotten free of her NPD/BPD mom living in her head was no longer in and out of the mental ward for years. Also, I went on disability then which got me out of a profession whose dynamics triggered her family of origin issues. I think that my no longer working in such a setting helped her handle life better although it was a major crisis for me.

Her current psych claims to have a good eye for BPD and tells her that she doesn't see it. That's totally contrary to what I, her twin sister and our two grown boys see and have increasingly seen as she becomes more and more like her mom.

She will bite your head off in a heartbeat even if you gently bring something up, has gone through a major spending spree of $14,000 in 5 weeks which in her head was only $11,000 and it was ok for she paid for it with her trust fund $ despite the fact that we are both retired with hopes of moving into a CCRC one day. Her psych didn't decern anything bipolar about this which she's been diagnosed with. However, since the psych had already discounted BPD being present, she didn't consider that it might be that kind of spending spree.

Over the years, her identical twin sis and I have grown from being in-laws to like siblings in seeking to be the mental health jedi of this family plus my being the most consistently supportive person in her fight against cancer back then also.

Last fall, my SIL said that her sibling had gone to far with all of her huge spending spree of $14,000 in 5 weeks which cut off three rooms in the house and made the hall very difficult to walk in! Thus, she's leaving my spouse in the hands of the professionals for there is no more she can do. She's decided to go clinical on her. However, at the same time, she's decided to walk on eggshells with her sibling due to her ongoing increasing health challenges, soon turning 70 and recent death of her husband 2 years ago. She's already about had her head bit off 3 times and does not want to risk that again nor does she feel like she has the energy to deal with it. She's told me that she feels sorry that I have to live with it, but to feel free to talk with her about what I'm experiencing but refer to her as my spouse, her sibling or she who shall not be named.

I've told her that I understand her wanting to walk on eggshells and why. However, at the same time, I hope this has not damaged our recent level of having become each other's ride or die person. I hope that our friendship is strong enough that she can do that with her sister and continue the wonderful adult/adult communication and relationship that we have grown into.

However, despite my own health challenges and being almost 68, I am not going back to walking on eggshells as bad as I once was. I now realize I'm not as free as possible. However, neither my SIL or my boys can see how that is possible in my current context without first seeing a lawyer to find out what my options are.  They all have said after being here for Christmas that my entire life seems to be one of running errands for my wife who often speaks of needing to have a life, which she has, while I don't have one which my SIL believes is one possible benefit of moving to a CCRC, continuing care retirement community, for it would provide me a life while also taking care of my wife. They have all said that I do basically everything and that my spouse has been using me for a long time.

Lately, a title from an old album has been in my head, "Only Visiting This Planet." I feel that way and that my time of visiting will soon be over given my age and health. Sis hopes that I don't leave anytime soon, but sometimes that is rough because with narcolepsy with cataplexy, I feel like this is a walking death on my really bad days. 

My SIL or sis, as I often call her, last left our house upset with her sister basically ignoring her even being here and heartbroken over the chaos that I have to deal with her, the fall risk all this stuff created for me and for her which we each injured our bad legs on while she was visiting and how non empathetic her sister is to my diagnosis of narcolepsy just as she has been over her own sister's health issues over the years.

My spouse is very opposed to our psych's idea that possibly underneath my earlier diagnosis with depression, bipolar and add inattentive may actually be narcolepsy which she encouraged me to get tested for a year ago this past fall. I have read that it is not unusual for narcolepsy to first be diagnosed all any or all of those things. I'm still in the process of finding the right meds, but I'm on my way. In light of more recent events concerning this shopping spree, I will be finding my own psych. I think that is a healthy move as do my sons and sis.

As she commented a year ago after a Christmas trip out of the country, her sister has always been one to get others to do her responsibilities for her. The way our 2 grown sons like to put it is that she wants to be in charge but not responsible. Sis, my boys as well as my PC has said that my wife is not good for my mental health. My youngest, 32, told me that I don't sound like I believe that I deserve a better life than what I have.

Currently, sis and I feel like exhausted, aged warriors who only feel like we have enough strength for one last move: finding and selecting a CCRC for the 3 of us which we had already agreed to a city and were about to select a place before she who shall not be named, as sis now says, threw a monkey wrench in it all.

My spouse can tell that her twin and I are close. She's made disparaging comments like, oh, upon arriving back with lunch for the three of us, oh, I see you two are back from your honeymoon to which sis quickly responded, 'that's bigamy and illegal.'  Years ago, she said that we made a cute couple to which we both laughed as we do when she future casts about if she dies first that we will get married. Oh no, we are good friends but at the same time too similar and too use to being responsible for everything that marriage would destroy us.

Sis and I have communicated so deeply that we know things about each other's childhoods which has been healing for each of us. Thus, we trust each other and have become each other's peace. We each have the strength to reach into the other's darkness and pull them up. We never sought to become this close but having to work together so closely to survive this toxic family system has led us to where we are which we didn't even have a label for until I found the phrase "ride or die" with a West Virginia definition which she really liked as do I. I reflects the kind of trusting team that we have become over the years through thick and thin, etc.

On Wednesday, my spouse and I will visit sis to celebrate their 70th birthday on Friday. So, far by email and on the phone, I have not perceived any change between sis and my relationship. When we are all three in each other's presence up there for several days, I will be able to more accurately perceive how things are. Given my spouse's traditional sleeping patterns, sis and I will have ample time to visit privately plus if need be when out to get a meal or whatever for all of us by ourselves, we can pack an important conversation or what I call quick, intense summit meeting which may need extra-time to conclude unless we find closure quicker and we come to a mutually agreed upon conclusion in these talks. At times they are intense, but always honest emotionally and intellectually without any triggering ickiness or other emotional ickiness. Although I'm the extrovert who has become somewhat introverted recently and she's the introvert, that doesn't hinder our communication.

Right now, I feel like this is a crucial week for the two of us and for me. If I have lost her, then I'm lost and don't want to think of what that may mean. However, it's either my gut or my hope that tells me that we are not lost in all of this. It may be only a time of some confusion that calls for us to keep communicating and supporting each other.

I will conclude with these few extra things.

A few weeks ago, my spouse suddenly love bombed me with huge compliments that I have never heard before out of the clear blue in our 30 some years of marriage. She's also suddenly become more complimentary with some exceptions. She's also suddenly slightly affectionate which she hasn't been in years. That's also true of our physical intimacy with the exception of her limited physical action one recent morning. All of this to me is trying to lessen the impact of things which her sister described as going too far. I think she can feel how I have detached myself and how this is increasing as I work with a narcolepsy life coach.

However, more recently, she has lambasted me on two really bad narcolepsy days when I was down plus extremely sleepy saying things like this disorder is a walking death and such which she says she hates plus piles tons of unrequested advice on how to improve my sleep. She's in shock whenever I calmly point out to her that how she says things is not always good. Everyone else notices that often it is her tone of voice which she is not aware of that bothers people.

On top of this, I continue to deal with flashbacks and hallucinations from childhood SA via my single mom and her divorced sister. Most recently, another wave of flashbacks have come. Such experiences mess up one's sleep as well. I've discussed this with my therapist and mentioned this dynamic's impact to my life coach.

I now realize that I was not very emotionally healthy when we were dating and thus chose a woman much like my BPD/NPD mom who in many way was an educated version with a graduate degree of my spouse's BPD/NPD mom. She wore a mask until our first child was born and that worsened after the birth of our second son after which as her sister put it, she basically sat down like ok, I've done my job. So, I was groomed to go from being used by mom to being used by my wife.

Who knows, but in time sis might come out of this slump somewhat like the elderly Luke Skywalker and stand up to the darkside with his final energy and effort as he did. Until I am aware to the contrary, we plan to keep our platonic connection covert as we have done to a large degree already. One thing I have learned about introverts, never underestimate what is going on deep inside which may well surface with surprises after some time. She's gone clinical with her sister but has gone and I hope stays relational with me and the boys.

As strange as this sounds, it's much like what I did as a teen to survive by creating a covert family while staying in my family.

I was surprised back in July, when she took her sibling out of the financial side of her will and placed other relatives in it which included myself and the boys with me as the beneficiary of her pension if she dies before me or the boys if I die and then she dies before them. That is the exact opposite of what she told me right after her husband died. I never expected this. She changed her mind this summer. She's filled out the paperwork and signed it in August and I have the original.

Thanks for reading all of this. It has been helpful to communicate all of this.

Tell me, please, what you feel and think.

Ramboc

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[kells76]

Hi Ramboc and welcome to the group 

Glad you found us and were ready to share your story. Talking about what's going on can be a really helpful start 

So much of your story is representative of the many challenges that family systems face when BPD is involved (regardless of who has BPD): multigenerational transmission of issues, alliances forming and breaking and being unstable, the legacy of abuse, long term problems, and the anxiety driven shaky family structure.

These are large and difficult challenges going on in your family for all the family members, and you didn't get here overnight. Change for the better is possible, though it will be difficult and will take time. I like to think of it as turning around a huge oil tanker on the ocean: you can do it, it just takes time and commitment, and is not fast.

...

Just for clarification:

On Wednesday, my spouse and I will visit sis to celebrate their 70th birthday on Friday. So, far by email and on the phone, I have not perceived any change between sis and my relationship. When we are all three in each other's presence up there for several days, I will be able to more accurately perceive how things are. Given my spouse's traditional sleeping patterns, sis and I will have ample time to visit privately plus if need be when out to get a meal or whatever for all of us by ourselves, we can pack an important conversation or what I call quick, intense summit meeting which may need extra-time to conclude unless we find closure quicker and we come to a mutually agreed upon conclusion in these talks. At times they are intense, but always honest emotionally and intellectually without any triggering ickiness or other emotional ickiness. Although I'm the extrovert who has become somewhat introverted recently and she's the introvert, that doesn't hinder our communication.

Right now, I feel like this is a crucial week for the two of us and for me. If I have lost her, then I'm lost and don't want to think of what that may mean. However, it's either my gut or my hope that tells me that we are not lost in all of this. It may be only a time of some confusion that calls for us to keep communicating and supporting each other.

when you say "the two of us" and "her", are you referring to your wife's twin? or your wife?

I'm also curious if I'm following with who has what professional care. Am I reading correctly that:

-your W has a psychiatrist
-you have also seen that psych for your personal health concerns, but are considering getting a different psych
-you have a primary care doctor

is that accurate?

...

Have you ever heard of Bowen Family Systems? It's a framework (one of many) for understanding family dynamics, and when I was reading your story, I immediately thought of BFS. Another good intro is here (at psychologytoday.com), especially the description of "triangles" in the family:

Bowen's theory explores the concept of triangles, which occur when tension arises between two individuals and a third person is drawn in to alleviate the conflict. Triangulation can complicate relationships and perpetuate unhealthy dynamics. Understanding how triangles manifest and learning to navigate them with emotional intelligence can lead to more balanced and harmonious connections.

Consider the instance of a married couple experiencing tension in their relationship. Instead of addressing their issues directly with each other, they might involve a third person, like their child, sharing their grievances and seeking comfort. This is an example of a triangle, where the child is drawn into the couple's conflict, effectively reducing the tension between the couple. This is known as triangulation. However, such a scenario can cause emotional distress to the child, who may feel burdened by the parents' conflict. It can also prevent the couple from resolving their issues directly, perpetuating unhealthy dynamics within the family. Recognizing and disengaging from such triangulation can contribute toward healthier and more open communication in relationships.

Any of that seem to resonate with you, or look familiar? I think I hear you that you do want more balance and harmony and peace in your life -- using a framework for understanding your family setup could be helpful in finding a path towards those goals.

There's a lot of ground to cover here, for sure, so I'll pause there to hear more from you about your story.

[Ramboc]

Thanks! I was glad to see someone had responded. I was starting to wonder if anyone would.

I realize that was a lot of type up, but I was ready to tell the whole story. I think you have gotten to some key points.

"when you say "the two of us" and "her", are you referring to your wife's twin? or your wife?

I'm also curious if I'm following with who has what professional care. Am I reading correctly that:

-your W has a psychiatrist
-you have also seen that psych for your personal health concerns, but are considering getting a different psych
-you have a primary care doctor

is that accurate?"

The her that I am referring to is my wife's twin. Without my wife's twin as a good, solid friend that we have grown into together over several decades, I will be all alone in this family system. I've asked her if it is ok that I share about things. She's said yes for you have to live with her, not me.

My wife and I have shared the same psych for many years. However, I now question how healthy that is and want to change.

My wife and I do share the same PC doctor.

I have a therapist and my wife has a different therapist.

...

Have you ever heard of Bowen Family Systems? It's a framework (one of many) for understanding family dynamics, and when I was reading your story, I immediately thought of BFS. Another good intro is here (at psychologytoday.com), especially the description of "triangles" in the family:

Yes, I have heard of it and read his book and used his theory.

Feel free to keep making comments and asking questions. Right now, I feel somewhat stuck.

[Notwendy]

Your situation reminds me of my parents in a way. As my parents got older, I considered that a CCRC would be a good option for them.  Dad had been my BPD mother's emotional caretaker. He was getting older with some health challenges. I also considered- like you do- that in a CCRC- there'd be more support for both their needs. They weren't interested in that idea though.

Like your wife, my BPD mother spends recklessly and also wants to maintain control. If we consider that both BPD behaviors- acting out, and being controlling are ways of coping- (not emotionally healthy ways but it's how they cope) - then during stressful times, it would make sense these behaviors would increase.

The spending has an addictive quality to it. An addiction is anything someone does to "numb" out uncomfortable feelings. Shopping, spending money, can result in a pleasant high of sorts. There could also be a sense of self esteem/power from the money spending. Also like addictions, it can be damaging - in this case to finances.

Why the lack of empathy for your possible narcolepsy? It's hard to comprehend. My BPD mother seems invested in other people having mental health issues. If you have mental health issues- then you are the problem, not her. If it's narcolepsy instead - then what? However, you owe it to yourself, and your children, to take care of your own well being. This should be the first step you take as all others depend on you being rested and thinking clearly.

I'm going to mention some aspects of your relationship with your SIL that aren't necessarily wrong but may be keeping you stuck. There is triangulation going on. There's a dynamic between the three of you. Triangulation can be a stablizing force in a disordered relationship but it is also potentially a disordered one. Reading about the Karpman triangle will help.

This is not to discourage you from this friendship. I think it's good to have people to confide in and lean on and this is in ways helpful to both you and your SIL.

Venting to a friend or family member feels supportive but it may not be a solution to ongoing issues. In addition to people we can align with for our shared situation- if we want to make changes, we also need people who are objective- and that is usually a therapist. People we vent to will support our own point of view but an objective person sees all sides of the situation and can point out our own behaviors that help us to make changes.

Having your own therapist is something to consider. I think we need both supportive people, and people who will help us through challenging us. So while the relationship with your SIL is a supportive one for you- adding a therapist to this can help you to make changes too.

[Ramboc]

Notwendy,

Thanks for sharing about your parents. The parallelism was helpful.

As far as my SIL goes, one would have had to of spent almost 40 years inside of this toxic family system which is now smaller than it was at one time to get how for both of us it was either work together to survive or else. Neither one of us sought to reach where we are now. We can each outline where we moved from being just in-laws to being more like siblings to where recently we searched a new label for but found a good platonic one.

Over the years, we have each had our own therapists. I still do but she doesn't. Our adult-to-adult conversation ability has reached a point of emotional and intellectual honesty which includes the freedom to tell the other that they are wrong and why plus then listen to the other's response until we in what I call our "Summitt meetings" come to a mutually agreed upon solution to a problem that we are working on. Sometimes, this takes extra time, but we do get there.