Domestic Violence: How to Move Forward?

[314rabbit]

A few days ago, my spouse pushed me so hard that I knocked my head on the hardwood floor. It really took the wind out of my sails. This happened Tuesday, and today (Friday) is the first day I haven't been in pain.

They've been very apologetic, and is talking to their therapist, and taking care of me but it's all so weird.

It feels like a bell that can't be unrung. I don't want to leave, but it's all so different now.

Anyone else?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi 314rabbit,

I'm so sorry that this has happened. You are right in feeling like it is a bell that can't be unrung. My dBPDw hit me for the first time in fall of 2014, but had been escalating towards that with pushing, grabbing, and destroying personal effects before that. DV always escalates. I fell happy put an end (at least for now) to the DV by calling the police 18 months ago when my wife was chasing me around the house screaming at me and throwing things.

I had to place a strong boundary about DV. My boundary is that the police will be called 100% of the time that she gets physical. I had let her know that boundary a month or so before the incident that led to me calling the police. She was testing the boundary. She doesn't test it anymore.That being said, I am aware that in her dysregulation my wife could lose control and not care about the police being called. I am hyper vigilant at all times.

By not calling the cops after she first pushed me, first slapped me, first kicked me, first chocked me, etc. I was tacitly telling her that there would be no consequences for assaulting me. Don't make my mistake and allow escalation. Place the boundary now and enforce it 100% of the time. It is the best thing for both of you.

HurtAndTired

[HurtAndTired]

* finally put an end to it, not fell happy

[Notwendy]

I think most people assume abusers are heartless brutes who will hurt people without remorse. This is probably a minority- maybe sociopaths, criminals.

What is confusing is that abusive relationships tend to cycle. After an abuse episode, the person is remorseful, promises to not do it again. Until the next time.

Yes, you can feel love for your abuser and want to preserve the good parts of the relationship, but if the relationship is dangerous to you, that is something to consider seriously. Your physical and emotional safety is a priority. Please take care of yourself.

[314rabbit]

I talked to my therapist today, and she encouraged me to get a separate secret bank account and to think seriously about leaving.

I set the "physical violence means police get called" boundary and I feel like I can stick to it. I wanted to call the police when it happened, but I struggled to find my phone and by the time I found it, I forgot who I was trying to call. The "suicide threats mean you go to the hospital" boundary has done wonders for us so I'm hopeful that the police can be a good deterrent.

This makes me question what I'm doing with my evenings going to Family Connections when my spouse is "afraid" of their DBT workbook and won't do it. They've started to tell my friends that they believe that I have borderline

[HurtAndTired]

If it makes you feel any better, I have experienced this, and many others here have experienced it as well. My dBPDw has frequently accused me of having NPD. When she first started doing this I was so doubtful of my own perceptions of reality after years of gaslighting, I actually asked my therapist if she saw any narcissistic traits in me. My therapist actually laughed out loud when I asked. She said that I struggle with self-care and putting my own needs, even those that are crucial for health and happiness, above the needs of others, the very opposite of narcissism.

My therapist told me that BPD and NPD are both cluster B PDs and that there is often a lot of overlap between cluster B personality disorders. That means that our pwBPD can, and often do, have NPD, ASPD, and HPD traits alongside their BPD traits. My wife has a strong amount of ASPD and NPD traits in addition to the traditional BPD symptoms. Her accusation was/is an admission. Many pwBPD will accuse their "non" partner of being the disordered one. It is a normal part of their blame-shifting and projection. They cannot deny that something in the relationship is deeply disordered. There is something wrong and toxic going on. They may have even looked up their own symptoms online. However, rather than having a "eureka moment" when the lightbulb clicks on over their head and they realize that they need to seek treatment, they shift the blame (and symptoms) to you! Someone is sick in this relationship and that sickness makes everything wrong with it make sense. You are the sick one! You have BPD!

Just over the past week, dBPDw sent me a link to an Instagram video that showed two children sitting at a table. One child was calmly but meanly taunting the other child who lost it, began crying, and then flipped the table at the calm taunting child. The text with the video said it was an example of how "covert Narcs" lead to "normal people" having "reactive abuse." Basically saying that I have "covert" NPD,  and I have been psychologically taunting/hurting her until she (justifiably) snaps and acts out against me physically. The words "someone can only take so much before they snap" accompanied the captions.

I didn't even bother dignifying it with a response text. This was just an attempt for her mind to justify her treatment of me so that she could tell herself that she was not in the wrong. Don't let yourself be gaslit. Let your friends know about your partner's mental condition. Don't allow your character to be assassinated with the people who are and should be your support network. PwBPD will use character assassination to isolate you and triangulate people against you. The more isolated you are, the easier it is to control you and stop you from leaving.

My advice to you is to not only tell your friends about your partner's condition but tell them how it is affecting you. Tell them that sometimes you doubt your own perception of reality due to constantly being exposed to a distorted version of reality. I have friends, family, and a therapist that I can do a "reality check" with when I suspect that I am being gaslit. I don't need to do it nearly as much as I used to, but years of gaslighting can make you second-guess yourself for a long time, even after you have learned to get out of the FOG.

HurtAndTired

[kells76]

I talked to my therapist today, and she encouraged me to get a separate secret bank account and to think seriously about leaving.

What do you think about that suggestion?

This makes me question what I'm doing with my evenings going to Family Connections when my spouse is "afraid" of their DBT workbook and won't do it. They've started to tell my friends that they believe that I have borderline

How are you finding out about your spouse telling stuff to your friends? Are your friends telling you?

FC does seem geared more towards nonviolent (yet still very challenging) situations. Do you think you'll bring this up in your FC class?

I set the "physical violence means police get called" boundary and I feel like I can stick to it. I wanted to call the police when it happened, but I struggled to find my phone and by the time I found it, I forgot who I was trying to call. The "suicide threats mean you go to the hospital" boundary has done wonders for us so I'm hopeful that the police can be a good deterrent.

Have you contacted a local DV hotline yet?  (I've also had to call a DV hotline -- they are very caring, listen well, and are nonjudgmental.)

It could help you come up with a plan for this in-between time. The decision isn't just "it's black and white, no brainer, either stay or go, don't ever let anyone lay a hand on you", which is overly simplistic. You certainly might choose to stay together, either "for now" or for longer, in which case having a structured plan, such as a DV safety plan, with therapists and other professionals, could help your relationship. You may ultimately choose to separate, now or later, and having a safe exit plan from DV professionals would also be important.

Taking time to breathe, get centered/grounded, and get yourself to an emotional baseline, will be so helpful in getting you in a place to make wise decisions.

Do you think you could call the hotline in the next day or so, and get back to us to let it know how it went?

[try2heal]

I feel like it's important to recognize that domestic violence isn't only about the physical violence. The physical violence is about keeping you afraid when the coercion, isolation, threats, and gaslighting are no longer working to control you. You've been shown what they are willing to do to keep you in control.
I second calling a DV service provider and doing some safety planning. A bank account, a friend who holds onto an extra credit card, car key, and any important papers for you, and whatever else they recommend.
Wishing you the best.

[kells76]

Hi there 314rabbit, just checking in on how things have gone over the last few days.