One year and three months after the breakup - I am unable to move on

[nhut]

Good morning everyone,
Firstly, I only realized that my former partner had BPD or BPD traits after therapists, coaches, and people who are familiar with toxic relationships told me that I should look into the issue. Maybe I'm in the wrong place — so please excuse me.

I am 38 years old, my ex girlfriend is 35.

Anyway, my ex separated from me a year and three months ago. Of course, she's already in a new relationship and shows it to the outside world. Profile picture with her new one. Status with her date of getting together etc. She was still contacting me about nothing until the end of November. At irregular intervals. Since I realized that the whole thing wasn't doing me any good, I blocked her.

Of course, the relationship got off to a great start. I got to know her online. We texted all day, met up in the evening and ended up in bed. On the second date, she was immediately into me. Couldn't wait to kiss me. Two weeks after the first date, I heard the first “I love you”. She told me that I'm a totally great guy, that she loves my views, that she feels like we've known each other forever.
Since then, we've had a kind of communication pipeline. Not a day went by that she didn't write to me. She was always there.

Of course, she only spoke badly about her ex. He cheated on her, never supported her, she had to do everything on her own. Had no support from him. Nevertheless, she was still in irregular contact with him.

During the relationship, I had to deal with more jealousy. Also perceptual and paranoid jealousy. She was really terrified that I would cheat on her or leave her.

Around September / October 2021 She came home and insinuated that a woman had just been here because the car of a former work colleague had come from the direction of our apartment and that I had cheated on her. She was absolutely convinced. I told her that I couldn't do that anymore.

I went out and was out all day. I cried because I just didn't know what to do. I phoned a friend to have a good cry. In the meantime, she kept trying to contact me, which I blocked.

When I got home again, she apologized. She wrote me a letter about how great I am, how I'm the man of her life, how she wants to have children with me, how she can't live without me, and so on.

Anyway, during the time we lived together, there were a few other blatant jealousy stories and also arguments.

One day I came home. My partner was crying. I asked her what was wrong.
She was furious with me. It was the anniversary of her pet's death after X years. I should know that. Furthermore, when she cries, I shouldn't ask her what's wrong, I should just give her a hug.

A year before the separation, she wanted to open up the relationship, which I refused. A month later, I suddenly had an STD. Where did it come from? I have no idea. In any case, the drama at home was inevitable again. What was she accusing me of? Of course — I was cheating.

We were on holiday in October 2022. That's when my partner told me that she was thinking about opening the relationship because she had heard from her best friend how dating life is like. I told her that she was welcome to do it, but without me.

She then backed off because our relationship was worth too much to her.

The first break came in November 2022.
She told me that she didn't know if she still wanted it all. She's not happy, etc. She practically read me a list of everything that was wrong with me. I should also start a therapy if I want the relationship to continue. Furthermore, I should of course also distance myself from my parents or break off contact because they didn't do me any good either.
What followed then was a kind of hot and cold / push-pull period.
No matter what I did during this time, it was wrong.

This whole push-pull period lasted until June 2023 - The effort and hard work have paid off. Suddenly, my partner had a change of heart. “Oh, I'm so sorry about everything. I now know what I have in you etc. I want to grow old with you” - almost after I've started to isolate myself emotionally . Followed by: “I want my boyfriend to fight for me, that I am priority #1“. That she doesn't want to waste her life.

I was woken up by her one night at the end of June 2023. She had my cell phone in her hand and discovered a chat with a platonic female friend I've known for 11 years and was going to the gym with her. In the chat, I talked to her about the relationship because I needed female advice, and my platonic friend also offered to bring me something to eat at the tattoo appointment.

My ex insinuated that I wanted to start something with my platonic girlfriend. I told her all this so that she would know how she could get me around. That very night, she went to my sports bag, which contained my toiletry bag. There were still condoms in there from our holiday together. Of course she found them. She took the condoms and threw them in my face with the words “Then PLEASE READ your sports girlfriend”. My ex then demanded that I write to my girlfriend and tell her that I didn't want her to bring me anything to eat at the tattoo appointment. After that, I could no longer go to the gym without being asked whether I was going alone or with my platonic girlfriend.

However, at the end of September / beginning of October 2023, my emotional life completely shut down towards her. I became really depressed and struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn't turn to her anymore. I hardly talked to her. Wasn't there for her. I was angry.
We were at a wedding in mid-October. I ignored her the whole evening because I was just dead inside and angry. In front of her friends, of course, she called me her “husband” who is so great. On the way back from the wedding, she told me that all of this wasn't enough for her anymore. I just told her what she expected. Then she asked me if I would see us at the altar sometime - without thinking, I just said “no”. After that, it became strane too. She was afraid that I would break up with her and cheat on her.

A week before the break-up, I went to the movies and wasn't home when she got home. So on the way home she called me and asked where I was. I told her that I'd been out for dinner after the movie. Then she immediately asked if I had been alone or with a woman.
When I got home, she stopped talking to me and was furious.

The day before, I wanted to go into town. It was a Sunday on sale. She didn't want to go because the weather was bad. So I went alone and met a friend.

In the meantime, she wrote to me to ask if anything was going on and if she should join me. Since I didn't realize that she was writing to me and I didn't reply accordingly I got a WhatsApp from her about the PLEASE READty behavior because I was probably always on my cell phone at home:

 “When I write to you, you don't answer but at home you are on your cell phone. Then I don't need to come out anymore. Then I'd rather stay at home”. When I got home, of course she didn't talk to me again and slept on the couch.

As it happened, she broke up with me at the end of October 2023 - right after I began a new job.

The time after the separation was also strange.
Since I moved out of the apartment we shared, she naturally asked regularly, where I was staying.

Since I didn't answer, it was of course clear to she knew that I was with another woman. She also suddenly just turned up somewhere, even though we had agreed that she wouldn't be there when I made the move.

Three days before New Year's Eve, I was alone in the apartment because she'd been away. Simply to complete the move. When she came back, she asked me if I had been alone in the apartment or if she had to change the bed. Since I didn't respond to this crap, I naturally received some nasty messages from her afterwards.

In the beginning, I was her dream man, the one she wanted to grow old with. With whom she wanted to have children. Who was so great. But in the end, there were so many things wrong with me.

Now I'm sitting here and there's so much I just don't understand.
Above all, I miss this person so much. My emotional world tells me that I have lost my dream woman. And it is all my fault. I will never find such a great woman again. Who loves me so much.

PS: If you want, I can tell you more about my story. But I don't know if I'm in the right place. If I am in the wrong place: Sorry!

[nhut]

Sorry, missed out: The relationship lasted 7 years.

[nhut]

Hey there. Sorry. Currently it’s real hard for me to. Therefore I just write to vent.

Honestly I feel and think I have completely failed her. Really.
That’s all my fault and yes. I am not worthy this perfect women

[kells76]

Hey, welcome -- you're definitely in the right place.

Sometimes part of processing is just telling what happened and getting it out "on paper". This is a good place to do that; people here will really understand what you're going through right now.

These are not easy relationships when you're in them and not easy relationships when you're out of them.

It sounds like you're noticing a big difference between what you intellectually know about what happened, and what you emotionally feel about what happened? Is that close?

[nhut]

Hey, welcome -- you're definitely in the right place.

Thanks for the welcome. To be honest: I really don’t know if I am in the right place.

Sometimes part of processing is just telling what happened and getting it out "on paper". This is a good place to do that; people here will really understand what you're going through right now.

I find it really difficult to write about it. I don't want to step on her toes. Especially as I don't like to speak negatively about people who are close to my heart. That's why very few people know about the story. I am also very sorry to write such negative things about her.

However, I didn't write everything that happened in the relationship.

These are not easy relationships when you're in them and not easy relationships when you're out of them.

Well, yes. Another problem is that I can't remember a lot of things about the relationship. I have a lot of memory gaps regarding the duration of the relationship. I can usually remember all the "weird" situations. I also admit that it took a long time and help to realize that this was not a "normal" relationship or "normal" behavior and also to realize what had happened.

Especially as it just doesn't make sense. It just didn't suit this person. This charming, vulnerable, charismatic person who already had a very childlike energy and behavior and also seemed like a wallflower. Sometimes just so carefree. It's hard to describe them. Sometimes it's like being with a teenager. Very sweet and very attention-seeking. I felt really bad after the separation because I was afraid to leave her alone. She often seemed so helpless.

But who also has a respected profession. Comes from a good family. Who is intelligent and well-read.

That's what makes it so difficult: because she is special. She is special and had something about her that I can't describe, but also can't find anywhere.

I tried dating but gave up because it was pointless. Really.

What do you exactly mean with the part „when you are out of it“.

It sounds like you're noticing a big difference between what you intellectually know about what happened, and what you emotionally feel about what happened? Is that close?

Let me put it this way: Since the separation, I have learned things that were previously unknown to me. I've never heard of them. Because it's so surreal and makes no sense. Of course, that doesn't make the whole story any easier.

However, a lot of me resists accepting that. Because it doesn't fit the person. Accordingly, it is also difficult to transfer this to the emotional level. It's just like I said: none of this makes any sense. It simply can't be.

My inner self also trivializes a lot of what happened. Even though I am very slightly aware that I have been emotionally and mentally run down. But that is also difficult to accept.

[nhut]

Hey,

I apologize for writing here again, but I just need to get some thoughts off my chest. Unfortunately it will be a while before my next therapy session.

For days and weeks I've been overcome with guilt again.
I'm so damn sorry that I let her down.

I didn't show the woman enough love, not enough attention.
I'm ashamed of it.
I should have married her, had children with her, bought a house.
But I didn't do any of that. Out of fear. Something inside me resisted it.

I hate myself for it. Yes, I really do. I hate myself for it.
I feel a deep self-hatred towards myself. At the moment, I don't know how I can continue to live with this burden, let alone ever be happy and content again.

I'm so damn sorry that I wasn't what she saw in me. That I'm really a failure who didn't appreciate her enough.

The fact that I'm currently as bad as I am is my own fault. I totally PLEASE READed the whole thing up.

I'm also afraid of disappointing another woman in the future.
Especially as I will never find such a great woman in my life again anyway.

Life has given me my dream woman and I've totally messed up this test. I'm so ashamed of it. I can't even look in the mirror anymore.

She is now glad to be rid of me. She is totally happy with her new partner who now gives her everything she deserves.

I didn't deserve such a great woman because I didn't appreciate the whole thing.
That she cheated on me and played hot and cold games is my failure. Because she realized that I'm not that great. That I don't appreciate her enough. That I don't give her enough attention. Not enough love. Not being there for her enough.
I am now where I belong: on the ground. I am trash. I am not worth enough for this woman.

[Skedge2200]

You’re being really hard on yourself. Like many of us you did the best you could under the circumstances with all the resources you had at hand. You, like me likely did not understand all the complexities of being in a relationship with a borderline. I was with mine for 16 years. The first 11
I knew there were problems but had no idea most if not all could be attributed to her undiagnosed BPD. These relationships are like no other and it takes months sometimes years to come out of the fog. It’s been 4 months for me and I’m still in the thick of it with feelings of co-dependence, intermittent reinforcement and cognitive dissonance. All symptoms of being in a very toxic relationship. You’re in the right place, take all the time you need. It’s a long road.

[nhut]

You’re being really hard on yourself.

Thank you very much for your kind words.

Unfortunately, I can't talk to anyone about how I'm doing. Except for my therapist. Unfortunately, no one else can understand how I feel. On a mental and emotional level. So I try to sort it all out with myself.

I am hard on myself. Unfortunately, I have failed in my role as a man across the board. Both within the relationship and after the break-up.

I wasn't emotionally stable enough. Unfortunately, I became totally ill during the relationship. I spent the last 1 1/2 years of the relationship running from doctor to doctor because I had all kinds of symptoms. But no one could help me or find anything. So I became a total burden for her. A woman like her definitely deserves someone better and more stable. Someone who values her as much as she deserves.

I'm so sorry that I let her down and wasted her time, and that I hurt her so much.

After the breakup, I also slipped completely. I became a cigarette junkie and hardly eat at all. I slipped into a shopping addiction. Spent my savings and got into debt. I spent seven weeks in a therapeutic clinic. I'm in therapy. I'm just a worthless wreck.

In the end, I just remained a pile of misery and a failure. No wonder she broke up with me. I feel like a sham. What wonderful woman would want someone like me?

I am now 38 years old and have to start all over again. Everything. Completely. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to exist at all.

These relationships are like no other and it takes months sometimes years to come out of the fog.

This whole time after the break-up is costing me a lot of strength mentally and emotionally. It's really getting me down. I would do anything to make it stop. But at the moment, the only person who can heal me is my former partner.

It’s been 4 months for me and I’m still in the thick of it with feelings of co-dependence, intermittent reinforcement and cognitive dissonance. All symptoms of being in a very toxic relationship. You’re in the right place, take all the time you need. It’s a long road.

To be honest.
I don't know what she is or what she has. I really don't. I'm more convinced that the problem is me. That I have a disorder.

Unfortunately, I also had to find out through my therapist that I had a really hard and traumatizing childhood. Also that the way my former partner treated me traumatized me and that I am now also traumatized. But I can't believe it all.

Someone like her simply cannot have a disorder. If she did, it was all down to me.

[Pook075]

Unfortunately, I have failed in my role as a man across the board. Both within the relationship and after the break-up.

I wasn't emotionally stable enough.

Hello and welcome to the forums- I'm very glad you found us and you're among friends that understand exactly what you're going through.  It's so incredibly hard.

At the same time though, you have to stop blaming yourself.  There's no way to know that you're dealing with mental illness in a relationship- that's not your fault.  And her extreme jealousy is not your fault either.  Then add in the STD and the requests for an open relationship...you didn't sign up for any of that.

You did what you could in an impossible situation that you weren't prepared for.

The only goal right now is to begin healing.  And you can't do that while looking backwards at what you might have lost.  She made her choices and you made yours.  Learn from it and do better the next time.  That's what life is all about.

Please understand, you didn't fail.  This wasn't on you.  Everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is a two-way street.  You blocked her because you were being abused, and any psychiatrist would tell you that's the correct decision in that situation.  She was sick and affecting your mental state as well.  To this day, she still is in a way.

My friend, you have to let go of this pain and self-judgement.

[nhut]

Hey 

First of all, please excuse my possibly not quite correct English. I come from Germany.

Hello and welcome to the forums- I'm very glad you found us and you're among friends that understand exactly what you're going through.  It's so incredibly hard.

Yes. It is. It is incredibly hard and feels like a never ending road.

At the same time though, you have to stop blaming yourself.  There's no way to know that you're dealing with mental illness in a relationship- that's not your fault.  And her extreme jealousy is not your fault either.  Then add in the STD and the requests for an open relationship...you didn't sign up for any of that.

No, I definitely didn't do that.
But the whole behaviour must have been down to me. Otherwise, people who tell you that they love you, want to grow old with you and that you're their dream man wouldn't do that. Then it can only be because I failed.

You did what you could in an impossible situation that you weren't prepared for.

The only goal right now is to begin healing.  And you can't do that while looking backwards at what you might have lost.  She made her choices and you made yours.  Learn from it and do better the next time.  That's what life is all about.

In one way or another, I have learned from this. But probably the wrong one. I can and will certainly do better or differently with my next partner.  But I would have preferred to do it differently or better and correctly with her. For the very reason that I will unfortunately never find someone like her again.

Please understand, you didn't fail.  This wasn't on you.  Everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is a two-way street.  You blocked her because you were being abused, and any psychiatrist would tell you that's the correct decision in that situation.  She was sick and affecting your mental state as well.  To this day, she still is in a way.

As my therapist said: I am currently doing what my former partner did - I am constantly manipulating myself. However, I find it very difficult to forgive myself. It feels wrong.

I blocked it because it hurt a lot. That she wrote to me because of nothing. After such a long time. Seeing her happy with her new one in the photo and a heart in her status with the day they got together. It hurts to see that she is happy to be rid of me and can now be happy.

Why did she do that? Because she doesn't care about me. That really hurts again. And why doesn't she care about me? Because I let her down and I'm not worth anything.

Sure, I'm sorry for blocking her. She didn't deserve that. After all, she hasn't done anything wrong or bad.

My friend, you have to let go of this pain and self-judgement.

I know.
But I don't know how and, on the other hand, it feels wrong. Like I'm lying to myself.

[nhut]

I also remember something that I didn't understand at the time:
We were together for about a year. I met her ex-partner at a party back then. The only thing he said to me at the time was “Watch out, she's not easy”.

I didn't think anything of it at the time. Of course he said something like that, after all he was the ex-partner who treated her so badly. Who did nothing for her. Who left her alone with everything. m

[nhut]

Hello everyone,
I apologize for having to write here again.

I have a few things on my mind:
Have you ever managed to let go? Let the person out of your heart?

I've tried dating in the last few weeks. But I realize that it doesn't make any sense.

For one thing, no woman can get close to my former partner.
On the other hand, the missing and the feeling of “not being enough” is rekindled after every date.

Especially as I have to admit to myself that I'll never find someone like her again. That's quite difficult for me. She was just perfect in every way.

[ThanksForPlaying]

You're now feeling "she was just perfect in every way."

But look at this thread.  You've listed several ways in which she was not perfect.  None of us are.

Try to list some of the good and bad things about her.  This 'grey area' thinking is sometimes really difficult, but it's an important skill.  List the good and bad qualities about yourself if that helps.  List the good and bad things about your favorite restaurant.

We often try to say "one decision changed my life" ... but in reality, that's usually not how it works.  Decisions can be made, and changed, and life happens on it's own, regardless of our intentions sometimes.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  Take it one day at a time.