I love her. She has BPD. I broke her trust. Can I rebuild it without pushing her

[Shinigami]

A few months ago, my relationship with someone I truly love ended. She has BPD, and over time I broke her trust through lying about small things, emotional inconsistency, and pulling away during times she needed me most. It wasn’t out of malice, but fear, emotional immaturity, and avoidance. Still, I take full accountability. The damage is mine to own.

Since the breakup, we’ve stayed in each other’s lives. We still talk, spend time together, and even share moments of emotional and physical closeness. But she’s made it clear she’s not considering a future together right now. I’ve told her I respect that—because I do. I’m not pressuring her. But in my heart, I still love her deeply and I believe we could have a better, stronger relationship if given a chance someday.

She said we can never go back to how things were. I agree. I don’t want that either. I want something healthier, more stable, more honest. I’ve started therapy. I’m working hard on my communication, honesty, and emotional regulation. But I know that just saying I’ve changed isn’t enough. She needs to see it, feel it, and trust it over time.

I’m trying to strike the balance between giving her space, not pushing her, and also letting her know I’m not walking away. It’s hard. I don’t want to be distant, but I also don’t want to overwhelm her. I’ve apologized to her and her family. I’ve expressed my remorse. I’ve taken responsibility. But I know rebuilding trust—if it even happens—takes time and consistency.

What I’m looking for:

For anyone who’s been through this from either side: What kind of actions actually rebuilt trust over time?

How do I stay emotionally present for someone I love, without crossing into pressure or codependence?

If you’ve loved someone with BPD, how did you rebuild safety and trust after breaking it?

Am I deluding myself by hoping she might come back, if I keep showing up with honesty and patience?

Any honest input is appreciated. I'm not trying to “win her back”—I’m trying to be a better person, and if a second chance ever comes, to deserve it.

Thanks for reading.

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[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm really sorry you're going through this and I understand the stress it causes.  Hopefully you're taking time to focus on your own mental health.

It sounds like you're doing everything right, and my advice would be to continue doing what you're doing.  Give her space and let her make contact whenever possible.  Be encouraging and patient, while avoiding talk about the past relationship or your future intentions. 

BPDs go in circular patterns, abruptly ending relationships only to start them over again down the road.  The odds are good that you'll have another chance, and hopefully you use this site to learn about validation and boundaries.

[Shinigami]

Hi, thanks for your response.

Just to be abundantly clear, I am the one who broke up with her, and I've done so 3-4 times over our 4-5 year relationship.

I think you're right about me just being consistent, patient, and present, without bringing up the past or talking about the future.

I am just not sure if she's closing off her heart for good, as a means of protecting herself from any future hurt.

The steps I'm taking now, to help me manage my stress and regulate my emotions, will hopefully show her that I'm capable of being trusted again.

[Pook075]

Hi, thanks for your response.

Just to be abundantly clear, I am the one who broke up with her, and I've done so 3-4 times over our 4-5 year relationship.

I think you're right about me just being consistent, patient, and present, without bringing up the past or talking about the future.

I am just not sure if she's closing off her heart for good, as a means of protecting herself from any future hurt.

The steps I'm taking now, to help me manage my stress and regulate my emotions, will hopefully show her that I'm capable of being trusted again.

That makes sense.  Just a reminder though that you posted in the "bettering" forum where people work to strengthen relationships or rekindle them.  And I realize that's your goal long-term.  But at the same time, I'd encourage you to think about why you broke it off 3 or 4 times over the past five years. 

What happened then and how would you have a different outcome today if the same problems came up?

That's where real growth happens and it's something you'll need answers for before starting a new chapter.  So take this time to really dig inward and find those answers.

[Shinigami]

That makes sense.  Just a reminder though that you posted in the "bettering" forum where people work to strengthen relationships or rekindle them.  And I realize that's your goal long-term.  But at the same time, I'd encourage you to think about why you broke it off 3 or 4 times over the past five years. 

What happened then and how would you have a different outcome today if the same problems came up?

That's where real growth happens and it's something you'll need answers for before starting a new chapter.  So take this time to really dig inward and find those answers.

I've spent much of the last couple months since we broke up thinking about why I had done so, and it always was a case of me feeling burnt out, emotionally overwhelmed, or so hurt by something she said or did, that I had to walk away.

My personality type is ENFJ, I have a bad habit of putting the feelings of those I care about in front of my own, I realize that without sufficient self-care and stress management, being fully supportive of my partner isn't sustainable.

This is why now, I am talking all the steps I can, like exercise, good diet, therapy, mindfulness, meditation, deep-breathing, spending time with friends and time alone reconnecting with nature, to make sure that I'm looking after myself as best as I can, that I learn to love myself again fully, and be the best possible partner I can be in the process.

[Pook075]

This is why now, I am talking all the steps I can, like exercise, good diet, therapy, mindfulness, meditation, deep-breathing, spending time with friends and time alone reconnecting with nature, to make sure that I'm looking after myself as best as I can, that I learn to love myself again fully, and be the best possible partner I can be in the process.

That's great to hear and if you stick to these things, you're going to come out of this a much more balanced person no matter what happens.  It's a path towards long-term healing.

For the other part, feeling repetitively burnt out or offended by something she said, communication can make a huge difference there.  Take a look at the "tips" and "tools" section at the top of this page and work through some of the teachings.  This stuff is counter-intuitive for all of us and it has to be learned, but it makes a massive difference in validation others in our lives (not just BPDs).  It will serve you well regardless.

Please let us know if you have any questions or specific things you're still struggling with.

[once removed]

Still, I take full accountability. The damage is mine to own.
...
I agree. I don’t want that either. I want something healthier,
...
But I know that just saying I’ve changed isn’t enough. She needs to see it, feel it, and trust it over time.

youve really got the right idea here. this is really a huge part of the battle, the mental work required not only to re-attract someone, but, long term, if you succeed in getting back together, to make it stick. i can tell youve thought hard about this, in a serious way.

of course, as you understand, even that is no guarantee. right now, she balks at the idea. bpd overlaps with an inherent distrust in others. its hard to build; harder to rebuild.

still, its promising that the two of you are still in contact. theres "something" there - that "something" is hard to define.

its been a few months since the breakup. how often is it that the two of you are in contact? how does it go, typically (what do moments of physical and emotional closeness mean)? it sounds like there has been discussion around the hurt feelings, and some discussion of, at least, the idea of getting back together. she balks at the idea, but can you tell us more about how that discussion(s?) has gone?

im trying to get a feel for where there might be purchase, room to build.

getting into therapy is a good demonstration of change. youre right, she needs to see it, and feel it - a genuine change of heart is the kind of thing that really speaks for itself, and can be felt, and it comes across in your post. still, for her to feel safe, and willing to take a chance, may take longer.

lets see if theres room to add on your approach, or if this is something where youve got a handle on it, and just need to keep plugging at it.

[Shinigami]

youve really got the right idea here. this is really a huge part of the battle, the mental work required not only to re-attract someone, but, long term, if you succeed in getting back together, to make it stick. i can tell youve thought hard about this, in a serious way.

of course, as you understand, even that is no guarantee. right now, she balks at the idea. bpd overlaps with an inherent distrust in others. its hard to build; harder to rebuild.

still, its promising that the two of you are still in contact. theres "something" there - that "something" is hard to define.

its been a few months since the breakup. how often is it that the two of you are in contact? how does it go, typically (what do moments of physical and emotional closeness mean)? it sounds like there has been discussion around the hurt feelings, and some discussion of, at least, the idea of getting back together. she balks at the idea, but can you tell us more about how that discussion(s?) has gone?

im trying to get a feel for where there might be purchase, room to build.

getting into therapy is a good demonstration of change. youre right, she needs to see it, and feel it - a genuine change of heart is the kind of thing that really speaks for itself, and can be felt, and it comes across in your post. still, for her to feel safe, and willing to take a chance, may take longer.

lets see if theres room to add on your approach, or if this is something where youve got a handle on it, and just need to keep plugging at it.

Thanks for your message! I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.

We've only been talking again for about 6-7 weeks, prior to that there was about 6 weeks where we didn't see each other at all or speak much.

We text each other almost every day, I visit her once or twice a week. The time we've spent together recently,  feels more and more like it used to when we were good together.

What I mean by physical and emotional closeness, is being intimate with each other, even if that is just lying in her bed with her and stroking her skin as she falls asleep, we've had a few moments like that. During those times she's also said things like she misses those moments.

There were discussions about the situation and about feelings when I first reached back out to her, but she still felt extremely hurt and upset by what I did, and said she couldn't put herself back in a position to be hurt by me again, but since then we've slowly started to build the trust back, so even though she said that initially, it doesn't really match up with how she's behaving now.

She even asked me if I wanted to go to a gig with her the other night, and that was after she said she didn't want to do any 'date' type things with me, we also went out for lunch together yesterday.

Even though it's only been 4 months since I broke up with her, I'm already feeling much more like myself, and with every day I learn more about my own weaknesses, what I can do to address them, and hopefully be a better person for not only the woman I love but also for myself and my own future.