How to validate someone while not invalidating yourself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been reading some of the tools on this site and they're helpful, and someone noted 'validation is not about weakness and submission', but that is what I always felt I was up against in all of my relationships. But the last 2 relationships were with people who had several diagnosed mental health issues, so that might be at play too.

I do JADE. I need to work on this. I'm trying to learn. I absolutely defend myself when I'm in the face of something just so false.

Here's a good example. I cook dinner nightly, I volunteered to do the dishes too as my ex had a long day at work. She's picky. So I rinsed the bowls before putting them in the dishwasher, and asked her if my rinsing was good enough. I didn't care. She said yes. We had a good entire day and even good evening/night. Had sex. Were cuddling and she pulls the whole 'we need to talk'.

She says, that she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went. That she generally does the dishes and I lazily rinsed them off knowing that, because I wanted to make her chores harder and don't appreciate what she does around the house. So again, assigned intent to my actions even though:

1. she was thankful and loving and intimate with me
2. she 'approved' the job I had done, therefore I thought it was ok

I can understand that she may be upset, and that's ok. I've always told her, you have a right to feel however you do. But then I JADE and remind her that she was fully ok with it and signed off on the job done. Was happy and loving and is now yelling at me.

Her thing was to do things like that, then tell me to 'tell me what you did, tell me how it made me feel, apologize and then tell me how you'll do better in the future'. In my mind, if I apologize and repeat her concern word for word, it's just craziness. Circular argument, and me saying I was sorry for how she felt, which to me isn't a real apology. And that whole talking to me like a confused child thing really annoyed me. I never spoke like that.

In situations like that how do you effectively validate without accepting the role of a bad person who intentionally wanted to hurt them? At times I'd simply ask to agree to disagree, which never worked. If things got too heated I'd walk away and say we couldn't talk and then usually the next day it was like it never happened. But it would always come up in the laundry list of my wrongdoings the next argument.

Many, many arguments where I was framed as intentionally doing something to offend her. And never really spoken about in the moment. And all seemingly so benign.

I cleaned bathrooms, and those same days she'd get water on the mirror, get makeup on/in the sink, hair clogging drains, etc. I never initiated massive arguments about that at all. Eggshells worked best then. Again, all so confusing to me still. I don't know how to manage arguments like these. Twilight zone.

[Me88]

I've been reading some of the tools on this site and they're helpful, and someone noted 'validation is not about weakness and submission', but that is what I always felt I was up against in all of my relationships. But the last 2 relationships were with people who had several diagnosed mental health issues, so that might be at play too.

I do JADE. I need to work on this. I'm trying to learn. I absolutely defend myself when I'm in the face of something just so false.

Here's a good example. I cook dinner nightly, I volunteered to do the dishes too as my ex had a long day at work. She's picky. So I rinsed the bowls before putting them in the dishwasher, and asked her if my rinsing was good enough. I didn't care. She said yes. We had a good entire day and even good evening/night. Had sex. Were cuddling and she pulls the whole 'we need to talk'.

She says, that she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went. That she generally does the dishes and I lazily rinsed them off knowing that, because I wanted to make her chores harder and don't appreciate what she does around the house. So again, assigned intent to my actions even though:

1. she was thankful and loving and intimate with me
2. she 'approved' the job I had done, therefore I thought it was ok

I can understand that she may be upset, and that's ok. I've always told her, you have a right to feel however you do. But then I JADE and remind her that she was fully ok with it and signed off on the job done. Was happy and loving and is now yelling at me.

Her thing was to do things like that, then tell me to 'tell me what you did, tell me how it made me feel, apologize and then tell me how you'll do better in the future'. In my mind, if I apologize and repeat her concern word for word, it's just craziness. Circular argument, and me saying I was sorry for how she felt, which to me isn't a real apology. And that whole talking to me like a confused child thing really annoyed me. I never spoke like that.

In situations like that how do you effectively validate without accepting the role of a bad person who intentionally wanted to hurt them? At times I'd simply ask to agree to disagree, which never worked. If things got too heated I'd walk away and say we couldn't talk and then usually the next day it was like it never happened. But it would always come up in the laundry list of my wrongdoings the next argument.

Many, many arguments where I was framed as intentionally doing something to offend her. And never really spoken about in the moment. And all seemingly so benign.

I cleaned bathrooms, and those same days she'd get water on the mirror, get makeup on/in the sink, hair clogging drains, etc. I never initiated massive arguments about that at all. Eggshells worked best then. Again, all so confusing to me still. I don't know how to manage arguments like these. Twilight zone.

[kells76]

This dynamic will come up in all kinds of relationships -- it's not "just a BPD thing", though the emotions can be much more intense and the stakes might feel higher / less wiggle room for repair.

A person who has felt overwhelmed by a partner's (or parent, or sibling, etc) emotions in the past, may hold on to one or two "tools" for high emotional intensity situations. (I would be curious to learn more about your family of origin's approach to emotions).

High emotional intensity situations can feel like they come out of nowhere and catch us off guard. If we don't have a lot of tools, or don't practice new, effective tools/approaches, we may fall back on those old tools/low skill approaches that worked for us in the past (but are hurting us now).

A common "tool" is: "clinging to the words that were said" (Belief #6 that can get you stuck), which could also encompass "being the logical one" or "pointing out what was said" or trying to prove that there was agreement.

I cook dinner nightly, I volunteered to do the dishes too as my ex had a long day at work. She's picky. So I rinsed the bowls before putting them in the dishwasher, and asked her if my rinsing was good enough. I didn't care. She said yes. We had a good entire day and even good evening/night. Had sex. Were cuddling and she pulls the whole 'we need to talk'.

She says, that she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went. That she generally does the dishes and I lazily rinsed them off knowing that, because I wanted to make her chores harder and don't appreciate what she does around the house.

So there's the surprise pivot to a high emotional intensity situation.

She says, that she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went. That she generally does the dishes and I lazily rinsed them off knowing that, because I wanted to make her chores harder and don't appreciate what she does around the house. So again, assigned intent to my actions even though:

1. she was thankful and loving and intimate with me
2. she 'approved' the job I had done, therefore I thought it was ok

I can understand that she may be upset, and that's ok. I've always told her, you have a right to feel however you do. But then I JADE and remind her that she was fully ok with it and signed off on the job done. Was happy and loving and is now yelling at me.

and there's the old "tool" (not a new, effective tool) of "reminding her what she said".

...

My thought is that this is an area to skillbuild in terms of: reading the situation correctly.

Again, reading the situation correctly will help you in your future relationships, too. My H occasionally struggles with this, and instead of pausing to really understand the other person's emotions, will move right to: "here's what I will do to solve the problem". As a person without BPD, let me assure you that the fact that I don't have BPD doesn't make his approach land any better.

When she said she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went, was the issue:

-she had forgotten what she agreed to, so it was an issue that could be solved with information

-or something else?

It can be confusing at first because we cling to the words being said, which blinds us from getting a read on the whole situation.

Previously she said she was OK with you rinsing the dishes, then later she said she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went

It's the emotions behind the words that will give you an accurate read on the situation.

This is an emotional issue, not an information issue -- and how things went down kind of "proves" it.

If the issue was that she'd forgotten what she agreed to, then reminding her of it would have solved the conflict. It didn't.

She did give you the gift of saying she was frustrated (emotion) and upset (emotion).

That's your doorway in to validating her emotional experience without sacrificing your sense of self.

If you were in her shoes -- if you felt frustrated and upset, because you felt like your partner wasn't helping and didn't appreciate you  (I'm not saying she is right... I'm saying think about how it would feel) -- what would that be like? Depressing? Hurtful? Disappointing? Painful? Something else?

That's where you connect without correcting her, and without capitulating:

"Oh babe... that would suck to feel like what you did was taken for granted"

"That would be frustrating, to feel totally unappreciated for everything you do"

For many persons, experiencing genuine validation (not agreement, not capitulation) -- others truly putting themselves in their shoes, really saying "you know what, if I thought XYZ was happening, I'd probably feel the same as you" -- can deflate the growing need for conflict and defense.

Because it's about hearing emotions, not arguing about who said what. Emotions that are heard will decrease in intensity; emotions that aren't heard or are ignored will grow to explode.

...

I wonder if some of this goes back to "taking the bait" (of fighting with how someone else describes you):

is it hard for you to pause and really hear the other person's feelings before defending yourself? if so, I wonder why that might be?

The workshop on Listening and Being Heard in Communication could also be applicable. This stood out to me as really connected to your question:

Many of us have experienced great frustrations when trying to communicate with a BPD mother, child, friend, partner.  It's been long established that individuals with BPD can become so consumed by their own emotions/self interests that communications become challenged, confused, interpreted in the worst way.  26 years ago, Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, published S.E.T. - a communication tool to aid non-BP's in breaking through at some level.  Other tools followed, such as the DBT " D.E.A.R.M.A.N." in 1993 (Marsh Linehan, MD) and P.U.V.A.S. in 1998 (Paul Mason, Randi Kreger).  These tools are summarized below.
 
The idea behind all these tools is that a BPD has to have trust reinforced and fears of inadequacy soothed before they can listen or hear.  The non-BP validates that the feelings are real feelings (not that they are justified).  The non-BP then shifts the discussion to what the real issue is and what can be done about it.
 
These tools put a lot of responsibility of the non-BP to bridge the communication/emotional inadequacy.  The assumption is that that non-BP is the emotional caretaker in these situations.
 
These tools are more complex to use than they appear at first - especially in the emotional times that they are most needed. The thought for this workshop is to discuss the use, utility, and risks of using these and other communication tools:
 
• What works?  What doesn't?  What are traps to avoid?
 
• Has this been effective?  What positive/negative/neutral affects has it had?
 
• Do you need to be the emotional caretaker?  Is this just giving the BPD what they want?
 
• How do you keep from damaging yourself in the process? What kind of life is this?
 
• Can this done with compromising the non-BPs principles?
 
Skippy
S.E.T.- Jerold J. Kreisman, MD published SET (support, empathy, truth) in I Hate You, Don't Leave Me in 1991.  
 
When first learning S.E.T., it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the person with BPD (pwBPD). It is important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the pwBPD is feeling them. It does not mean that you are letting the pwBPD off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.
 
• S= Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality disorder. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
 
• E= Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the pwBPD is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the pwBPD: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."  It is important not to tell the pwBPD how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK.
 
• T= Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the pwBPDs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the pwBPD or Non-BPD. Often the pwBPD may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the pwBPD, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…,"
More information click here
 
P.U.V.A.S. - Randi Kreger later published PUVAS in 1998 in Stop Walking on Eggshells
 
• P= Pay attention
• U= Understand fully
• V= Validate emotions
• A= Assert yourself
• S= Shift stuff where it belongs
 
D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.
 
• D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.
• E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
• A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or by saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
• R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.
 
• M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.
• A= Appear confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.
• N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?
More information click here

Really want to reiterate that these tools are for all relationships, not just BPD relationships.

[Me88]

Thank you. I definitely understand this is for all relationships. I just haven't experienced it to this level really. It's always so difficult and seems like there is no real intent on solving something vs me just accepting blame. It didn't seem like there were any options really, just whatever her predetermined preferred outcome was.

My family, to be honest, I believe was very healthy in the way that we discussed and experienced emotions. My mom was amazing. My dad was always present as well. Very loving upbringing and we're all still very close. Never crazy amounts of arguments or tension. We were able to talk about things.

I'm ok talking, but when someone just gets overly frustrated and resorts to screaming, cursing, insults (which is what she said her dynamic was growing up), it's hard to just take it. 

I know things can change, so I don't cling onto everything. But sometimes I do, sure, like if someone says an action was done correctly, and treats you as such for a few hours then blows up with the opposite and says you're actively trying to hurt them.

I do need to step outside of the situations and read better, I'm sure.

I'd feel confused and a bit hurt if she accused me of that in general. Since I vacuumed, mopped, cleaned bathrooms, dusted, fed the dogs and her cats, cleaned up the dogs messes, did the yard work, did our car work, washed the cars weekly, tended to any ache or pain she had on a daily basis, paid most of everything. So I'm sure I sort of took extra offense to that change of emotion from her given that I know how much effort I always put in.  And her saying I did it purposely.

If you say those things though, that you can see how that would be hurtful, and they interpret that as you just 'understanding' it but they NEED you to agree in order to feel 'heard', how does that go? Because tons of times, I'd let her know that I see she's upset and all, but I would need to say that I did it on purpose, apologize, etc. And I just couldn't bring myself to do that. If I in fact did something off and really could see that as a possible interpretation, I'd absolutely apologize a lot.

And yes I took the bait a lot after a while. I was much more calm for the first 1.5 years or so. Very level headed which wasn't appreciated either. Was taken as not caring or 'fighting' for us. It used to take a lot to get a rise out of me.

I can pause and listen depending on the approach. If it's instantly an attack, aggressive tone or yelling and being told I'm some monster I do get defensive. And also, if almost every single day we're required to discuss some thing I did, that gets old too. I'd tell her we spend too much time discussing our relationship issues rather than living our relationship, and we don't have to discuss every single possible thing. I told her it got old that every talk we had was about how bad I was.

• What works?  What doesn't?  What are traps to avoid?
This was difficult, because sometimes certain approaches worked perfectly. But then never again, always left trying to figure out what she was looking for. She couldn't even tell me. Would just say if I loved her I would know.
 
• Has this been effective?  What positive/negative/neutral affects has it had?
Again, sometimes effective. Sometimes would create volatile chaos of slamming things, and I just sit there in awe getting a finger shoved in my face hearing I'm the worst partner ever and her ex fiance is a better man than I'll ever be.

As far as the PUVAS technique, I couldn't shift anything. I really had zero ability to have any opinion other than hers. Which got really frustrating. 'No I didn't intentionally NOT run that red light to make us late to work'.

I'd say I was better at DEAR MAN. Maybe not the negotiating all the time, since there was no negotiation. More of a take it or leave it approach on her end.

I've never had these issues when arguing with others; friends, family, etc. It was like being on a different planet. And again, not smearing or pointing fingers, but I absolutely wonder if a tough childhood, diagnosed depression/adhd/anxiety, tons of medications a day, 50mg of thc or more a day and almost every BPD trait just made things that much foggier. I'm not this overbearing, crazy, mean, scary man. I really think I'm in touch with a lot of emotional things.

[Pook075]

She says, that she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went. That she generally does the dishes and I lazily rinsed them off knowing that, because I wanted to make her chores harder and don't appreciate what she does around the house. So again, assigned intent to my actions even though:

It's so easy to look at a situation like this and JADE...because it's an unfair statement.  How was it okay yesterday but not okay today?  What changed in the last 12+ hours that made me helping you turn into a bad thing?

But that's the crux of mental illness, it's possible that EVERYTHING has changed in the past 12 hours.  We have no idea how someone else feels or what they're thinking about.

Like Kells said, she was "frustrated and upset".  Forget about everything else and focus on that specifically.  What do you need in your life when you're frustrated?

For me, I need to vent.  For example, I drove to town earlier and the traffic was complete mess.  At one point I started to get angry because a motorcycle badly cut me off and I had to lock my brakes to avoid hitting them.  So I said something not so nice about the motorcycle rider.  That's what I needed though to let go of that frustration, I had to voice that he was wrong. 

And I didn't need anyone else to agree or try to fix the problem either...I just needed another human (my wife) to understand that what the other person did was not okay and it upset me.  That alone wiped out my frustration.

So when your partner voices frustration, what's she actually looking for?  Chances are, it's the exact same thing I was looking for...someone to hear me and validate my feelings.

To do that, you simply have to share that you'd never do something intentionally to make her life harder.  Maybe follow it up with asking about her "dishwashing preferences" for the future and how you can help.

Can you see why that's different?  She's frustrated (a feeling) and you're focused on making her not feel frustrated through genuine empathy (also a feeling).  The accusation is far less important than the feelings behind it all.

Make sense?

[Me88]

At that it was only a few hours. It would always come out of the blue.

I don't know what she was thinking really, except my existence in that moment was to make her life difficult, when in fact my existence virtually made her life much easier.

As far as day to day things, I'm very patient. If she's upset with work, a vendor, her boss, traffic, etc. I absolutely would listen. Let her talk and be supportive and those issues generally simmered down. Only issues, when that anger and frustration was aimed at me and it was all my fault. Venting is just fine and I'm a good listener and can validate those issues/frustrations. I was reliable and solid, but just have never had someone pick me apart so much in rude ways.

As far as the dishes thing that was a strange one off. And I continued to help her with those and it was never a topic of concern again.

Here are some real life things I'd like to learn how to navigate:

1. Long day outside. Yard work in the heat. Cleaning up dog poop. Tuning up the cars. She slept until noon or later each weekend day. I come in sweating like crazy, take off my shirt, put it on the counter, grab a glass of water and sit at the bar top area. She comes out and instantly

"can you not put your shirt there? You know I do the laundry? (but I actually put it from the washer to the dryer and help her fold/put it away). I hate following you around like I'm your mother and just cleaning up your messes. I'm going to need you to help out a little more around the house. You just make everything harder". Not asking me how things went, nothing. Instantly I'm a messy man child and she is my mother somehow. But...it's fully ok for her to take off her sweater after work and leave it on the counter for days in a row. I did try to reason "Hey, I get it. I don't need you to clean up after me. I'm an adult, and yes, I agree I shouldn't leave things everywhere but I'm just resting and cooling down. I understand putting my shirt there isn't the best place, and I'm working on that but you don't need to take care of it".

2. Another weekend, she's asleep. I start in feeding the animals, taking care of messes. I wash our cars per usual. She wakes up and comes out. I go for a kiss and she walks to her car, which she never washed before dating me. Says "can you wash that area again? It looks dirty. And everyone knows you always miss that spot". Not a thank you, nothing. And I definitely wash  cars well, I'm weird about it with tons of tools, claybars, waxes, etc.

3. One of my main hobbies is woodworking. I've built some really unique things. She was excited because she didn't have that skill and wanted to learn. Ok, this is great. We decide to build a kitchen table out of some old whiskey barrels. She immediately tries to take over the project. I bite my tongue and we try things her way...which don't work and have to take it all apart. I eventually tell her I know the next step, and hear "if you're not going to let me help I'll just let you do it. I just don't like to half-asz things like you". Again, just, why? Just attack me and try to control everything and be rude. How do you not get upset, offended and explain yourself?

4. Changing her brakes. Heck, I bought the pads and all. To save her some money, plus I've changed disc brakes literally almost 100 times. Everyone's cars. She comes out and instantly jumps in "can I please help you? I'm not comfortable with this". I reassure her It's an easy job, I've done it a lot and there really isn't a lot of space for 2 sets of hands. Then "are you sure? brakes are a pretty important part of a car and I'd hate to crash and die because you don't know what you're doing. I'll just take it in next time". Just makes you feel small and stupid. And her brakes turned out fine.

She did say her biggest flaw was that she needed to be in control of everything in her life. And she did admit that she constantly nit-picked and criticized me, and  her therapist said she needed to stop doing that. Didn't give a reason why she always criticized every move I made. But the culmination of all of that just adds up. She told me I'm the most patient man she's ever known. And at some point I just can't take that 24/7.

[Me88]

And I can say I was never like that. If she thought she had a bad hair/makeup day I was the first to tell her how sexy/beautiful/cute she looked.

Helping her bake stuff for work bbqs or potlucks and she is mad how things turned out. I'd tell her "it's great and you know everyone always loves it. It might not have looked exactly like that article but it'll be perfect. If people say anything, fk em. More for us and we can be pigs at home!"

I never broke her down, always tried to reassure and back her up. That might have added to my frustration too.

[PeteWitsend]

...

Here's a good example. I cook dinner nightly, I volunteered to do the dishes too as my ex had a long day at work. She's picky. So I rinsed the bowls before putting them in the dishwasher, and asked her if my rinsing was good enough. I didn't care. She said yes. We had a good entire day and even good evening/night. Had sex. Were cuddling and she pulls the whole 'we need to talk'.

She says, that she was frustrated and upset with how the dishes went. That she generally does the dishes and I lazily rinsed them off knowing that, because I wanted to make her chores harder and don't appreciate what she does around the house. So again, assigned intent to my actions even though:

1. she was thankful and loving and intimate with me
2. she 'approved' the job I had done, therefore I thought it was ok

I can understand that she may be upset, and that's ok. I've always told her, you have a right to feel however you do. But then I JADE and remind her that she was fully ok with it and signed off on the job done. Was happy and loving and is now yelling at me.

...

Okay, two things: short term, how do you address this specific incident; long term, how do you start to establish some healthy boundaries so you're not essentially losing your own self and identity to become nothing more than a caretaker to this abusive and disordered person? 

I think, in the short term, @kells76 provides the best advice.  Memorize and practice using those tools here.  Remember to take some deep breaths to get some oxygen in you and clear your head.

Long term: it seems to me, given your entire account here, that she is in full-court-press mode, violating every reasonable boundary to test you & see what she can get away with.  And she's gotten away with an awful lot.  It seems like you're conceding everything and letting her completely trample over you as a person. 

You're actually trusting the things she's saying are true, and trying to reassure her, and if she was not BPD, that might be the right answer, but you can't look at things that way, given the way she later twists everything in order to blame you in every case. 

She's "too tired" to even do her half of the dinner time chores, so you're doing them all, but yet she's going to stand there and judge how you're doing them?  WHAAAAT???  If she's really too tired to even wash dishes after you've cooked for her she should be in bed (and come on, really?  Is she plowing fields all day?  Working in a coal mine?  What is she doing that's making her so tired?)   

Long term, you need to ask yourself: Is this the sort of relationship I want to have? 

If not, why has it gotten this far?

If you can't answer that, I think you need to get counseling for yourself.  I did to help me keep some perspective on which way was up, and it was very clarifying. 

If you don't like how she is treating you (and I assume you don't because you're here) you have to be prepared to end it, because BPD doesn't go away.  This is who she is and how she's going to treat you, and now that you've allowed these patterns to be established, asserting yourself is going to result in a lot more conflict.  Are you ready for that?  She's obviously more experienced at this sort of thing that you are, so you've got quite a hole to dig out of. 

[once removed]

theres a reason BPDFamily switched to a model (emphasis, really) of "dont be invalidating", rather than "validate".

because the very idea of "be validating" can be misleading.

if youre arguing with someone, or complaining/venting to someone, and you sense that they are "using a tool" on you, youre not going to feel very validated, are you? youre going to feel condescended and talked down to.

validation, at its core, isnt validation if its not done naturally and authentically. thats the most important ingredient. and thats the problem people most frequently run into. they get the impression that there are magic words that can calm someone down, or make them behave differently. all that is is trying to manage someone. and they will feel that. they may call you out on sounding like a robot, or using "therapist speak".

if you avoid "being invalidating", you are most likely, naturally, "being validating". validation is essentially just the concept of making someone feel heard and seen. there are infinite ways to do it. sometimes, just actively listening is "being validating" - youre showing that you take the person seriously, in your body language, in your attention. validation can be overt and specific "how awful!" or it may be by actively showing interest/asking questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317743.0;prev_next=prev), but a great deal of the time, it is more subtle (actions that demonstrate).

She's picky. So I rinsed the bowls before putting them in the dishwasher, and asked her if my rinsing was good enough. I didn't care. She said yes.
...
That she generally does the dishes and I lazily rinsed them off knowing that, because I wanted to make her chores harder and don't appreciate what she does around the house.

simple. she didnt feel appreciated. happens all the time in households, over the division of labor, of course. you did a chore, and then asked her "is that good enough". sure, she said "yes" at the time. imagine, for example, if she asked for chocolate ice cream, and you gave her vanilla, and asked "is that good enough". she might say "sure" at the time, while she rolls her eyes, and stews about the disappointment, and lack of care and/or unfairness she perceives.  

you validate, first, by listening, without an agenda; without "but you said yes!"; by really listening, hearing, and feeling, what the other person is saying to you. i assume you have your own perspective of the exchange, and your own intent. but her disappointment is human, and its valid. she doesnt want to "sign off" on you doing the dishes  

In situations like that how do you effectively validate without accepting the role of a bad person who intentionally wanted to hurt them?

when you are dealing with BPD, or any difficult person, or just someone who is highly emotionally aroused, you may have to filter (validations close cousin is "Listen with Empathy" https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) a bit to get at the heart of what theyre communicating sometimes. people with bpd traits express themselves in extreme ways. usually, in between all of that, there is something valid, something human there that makes plenty of sense.

im sure you didnt want to make her chores harder; that isnt anything to "validate" - but her frustration behind it was. "but she makes a mess too!" is JADE (naturally defensive posture), and it misses the point. it wasnt about "the dishes" - she felt slighted, and to feel that way is reasonable (valid), even if she wasnt reasonable in how she went about it.

happened all the time with my ex, with me, and with others. shed be totally in the right, and then absolutely hurl away the high ground