is it normal for a bpd ex to come back slowly without physical intimacy

[stevemcduck]

we split up and moved to different cities, we have kept in touch with text and decided its a break rather than a break up, we been apart 6 weeks. she says she maybe wants to live with me again some day but does not know when, i have visited her and had dates but she has been very clear she wants no physical intimacy for some time at least. she was hyper sexual when we first met so this strikes me as odd. I don't mind, I love her for the person she is and not just for sex so I can wait. but I worry what is the reason behind this, or maybe she doest see me that way anymore. has anyone experienced this or can help offer some clarity.

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[kells76]

Hi stevemcduck and

Sounds like a lot has happened in a relatively short time period -- splitting up, moving, connecting, defining this time as just a break (not a breakup), meeting up/going on dates, decrease in her desire for intimacy... that's quite a bit to go through in a month and a half.

How did you two meet? How long were you together before the split up? And what led to splitting up and moving apart?

While there won't be easy answers or guarantees necessarily, learning more about what was going on in the relationship up to the split -- especially what wasn't working for her, regardless of whether it "makes sense" or not -- may help you find a way not to repeat that in the future.

Fill us in some more, when you get a chance;

kells76

[stevemcduck]

hi kelis

thanks for your reply. here is my full story


I met this wonderful girl 5 years ago, 1 year long distance relationship and 4 years living together. i was 38 she was 20 when we met. for 4 years straight everything was perfect, soul mate stuff, electrifying sex, intense bonding and loving caring affection. in the last year of our relationship she seemed distant, I was struggling with work and she I believe was struggling with body dysmorphia. I caught her lying about something (not cheating) and confronted her, she broke up with me as she said one day I will abandon her for it. after 1 week we got back together but when I came back she was acting different and more distant than ever. when I confronted about this she said I was being sensitive and basically gaslighting me. we broke up again. she was living in my house and I let her stay there for a few weeks until she found somewhere else. I went round during this time to collect a package and I went in to see her but he said she didn't want to talk and felt uncomfortable around me, I asked why and I couldn't understand at the time. it was really heartbreaking. she left and now live 7 hours car ride away from me. she said he wants to tay in touch and we are only on a break. we texted every day for about a month but she was cold and inconsistent with her responses. however each time ive asked her if she wants to stop contact she has said no we can still talk. we also facetime sometimes and seems upset I painted room rooms in the house as she said she may come back. she seems to want to be with me from a distance but no longer says nice things, initiates contact or makes me feel valued or wanted. I went to visit her and stayed in a hotel which she told me in advance she didn't want to stay with me overnight. we went for dinner and all seemed ok until I said I was sad living in our home without her, she started crying and just said she wanted to go home and left. I was sad as id made such an effort to see her and she just ran on me during dinner. we are still talking on text if it didn't happen and may meet today, im in the hotel right now. I don't know what to do I feel in limbo and we are so far apart. I love her so much and I want her back but im not sure how to react or say the right thing to get her back fully. she seems to not like me anymore yet doesn't want me to go. I love her deeply and unconditionally, however I am so depressed, confused, and im starting to have panic attacked when I try to sleep and I can focus on anything, im in therapy, my therapist told me its most likely bpd that she has (he is an expert in bpd partner breakup recovery)  but she doesn't know it either I don't think and she seems reluctant to get therapy. I have researched a lot about bpd and she does show an alarming amount of the traits. can anyone offer any advice of how to navigate this