Need help / advice ~ Struggling bad

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This august I will be married 21 years to my BPD Wife.  To say it's been rough is an understatement. I'm too hurt and shocked and realize that my marriage has been a farce.  She's done some crazy things over the years.  She's an alcoholic (5 years sober) but has done things such as:

• Painted her whole car inside & out with house paint
• Taken out her 401k and got elective surgery (did not know she did this until she was at the hospital
• Has been emotionally, verbally abusive to me and my daughter (who's 17 now)
• Admitted to cheating but I know she hasn't told me everything
• Stolen from me and my daughter, used me financially and now in deep debt

Those are a few.  Back in 2020 she admitted that she was 'sexting' a guy at work.  This is a guy in a political role.  He's 20 years older than her and physically about 350lbs.  She's petite.  I was shocked and upset.  She told me it wouldn't happen again but got weird energy, something wasn't right.  Long story short 5 years later I have proof that they have been cheating (now) and believe it's been going on for the full 5 years.

I confronted her about it and yet she lies, demanding for me to show 'proof'.  I do have it but not showing her.  I'm nauseated that this has been going on.  She's been lying to my daughter about this saying 'Your dad is crazy'.  Yet even this morning she left the house early to meet with him.  I told her I wanted a divorce and for her to move out. She refuses.  I haven't slept with her in 5 years because of the stuff that has been going on.  She threatened me that she was going to call the police if I didn't stop with this confrontation.  I was not yelling or being mean, just stating facts.  I want her out of the house, it's only in my name but she's been there the past 20 years.  She won't leave.  I told her that I was going to remove her cars from my insurance and her phone plan from mine.  I'm hurt and I know I am an empath and it took me a long time to realize about boundaries. 

I plan to expose it, I texted this guy's wife waiting for a return text.  I am calling the guy today.  I need peace but I am worried about what my wife can do.  She's already threatened me in the past that she would mark herself up and blame it on me.  My side job is with local PDs and they told me if they come to my house with marks on her (even though she did it herself) and blames me, that I am going to jail.  She's capable of this.  I live in fear.  When I met her 20 years ago she had all this evil hidden, she acted like the perfect gf.  It slowly changed after we got married.

Been to marriage counselors (2 of them gave up on her) and a psychiatrist.  It was the latter that told me she has BPD and it's so bad that she would need years of therapy (weekly).  She told me she would get therapy herself if she continued to see her, but my wife quit.

What advice can you give?  I plan to calling (another) lawyer Monday.  The other two I talked to told me to expect having her call the police with false accusations and to get a PFA on me and to spend time in jail.  I can't lose my job.  My daughter is torn by this.  Please help.

[Brooklyn1974]

This august I will be married 21 years to my BPD Wife.  To say it's been rough is an understatement. I'm too hurt and shocked and realize that my marriage has been a farce.  She's done some crazy things over the years.  She's an alcoholic (5 years sober) but has done things such as:

• Painted her whole car inside & out with house paint
• Taken out her 401k and got elective surgery (did not know she did this until she was at the hospital
• Has been emotionally, verbally abusive to me and my daughter (who's 17 now)
• Admitted to cheating but I know she hasn't told me everything
• Stolen from me and my daughter, used me financially and now in deep debt

Those are a few.  Back in 2020 she admitted that she was 'sexting' a guy at work.  This is a guy in a political role.  He's 20 years older than her and physically about 350lbs.  She's petite.  I was shocked and upset.  She told me it wouldn't happen again but got weird energy, something wasn't right.  Long story short 5 years later I have proof that they have been cheating (now) and believe it's been going on for the full 5 years.

I confronted her about it and yet she lies, demanding for me to show 'proof'.  I do have it but not showing her.  I'm nauseated that this has been going on.  She's been lying to my daughter about this saying 'Your dad is crazy'.  Yet even this morning she left the house early to meet with him.  I told her I wanted a divorce and for her to move out. She refuses.  I haven't slept with her in 5 years because of the stuff that has been going on.  She threatened me that she was going to call the police if I didn't stop with this confrontation.  I was not yelling or being mean, just stating facts.  I want her out of the house, it's only in my name but she's been there the past 20 years.  She won't leave.  I told her that I was going to remove her cars from my insurance and her phone plan from mine.  I'm hurt and I know I am an empath and it took me a long time to realize about boundaries. 

I plan to expose it, I texted this guy's wife waiting for a return text.  I am calling the guy today.  I need peace but I am worried about what my wife can do.  She's already threatened me in the past that she would mark herself up and blame it on me.  My side job is with local PDs and they told me if they come to my house with marks on her (even though she did it herself) and blames me, that I am going to jail.  She's capable of this.  I live in fear.  When I met her 20 years ago she had all this evil hidden, she acted like the perfect gf.  It slowly changed after we got married.

Been to marriage counselors (2 of them gave up on her) and a psychiatrist.  It was the latter that told me she has BPD and it's so bad that she would need years of therapy (weekly).  She told me she would get therapy herself if she continued to see her, but my wife quit.

What advice can you give?  I plan to calling (another) lawyer Monday.  The other two I talked to told me to expect having her call the police with false accusations and to get a PFA on me and to spend time in jail.  I can't lose my job.  My daughter is torn by this.  Please help.

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your experiences have been shared by others on this forum, but right now, I'm sure you feel alone and disturbed.

To the threat of blaming you for DV and marking herself, you might go to your local police station today and proactively file a police report that she has made these threats. Did anyone else hear these threats? Did your daughter hear them?

If possible, see another lawyer before Monday. You are under an imminent threat, and a lawyer might be able to quickly file a protection order.

[Brooklyn1974]

Thank you for replying.  My daughter heard it but that was just from last night, her telling me 'I should call the police because you are acting crazy'.  She says this when she can't answer the questions.  I was calm, wasn't yelling etc. 

I should talk to the police but they will still come and arrest me if she makes these allegations.  I just want her out of my house.  I so need peace.  She won't give it.  And yes I feel so alone.  I got my daughter who thinks mom is right and that nothing is going on but the proof I have I won't show her. 

Just to look at my wife makes me feel nauseated.  I hate this so much!

[kells76]

Do you already know if you are in a mandatory arrest state? I.e., when there's a DV call, in some US states it is legally required that one party be arrested. In other states, it's not legally required, but may be up to the discretion of the officers.

Do a google search for "[My State] DV mandatory arrest" and that should give you some info, if you haven't already checked.

I plan to expose it, I texted this guy's wife waiting for a return text.  I am calling the guy today.  I need peace but I am worried about what my wife can do.  She's already threatened me in the past that she would mark herself up and blame it on me.  My side job is with local PDs and they told me if they come to my house with marks on her (even though she did it herself) and blames me, that I am going to jail.  She's capable of this.  I live in fear.  When I met her 20 years ago she had all this evil hidden, she acted like the perfect gf.  It slowly changed after we got married.

...


What advice can you give?  I plan to calling (another) lawyer Monday.  The other two I talked to told me to expect having her call the police with false accusations and to get a PFA on me and to spend time in jail.  I can't lose my job.  My daughter is torn by this.  Please help.

What do you think about pausing on the "expose her and him" plan until after you talk to a lawyer -- and until after there is a plan in place for where your D17 will be and how she'll be taken care of? (I don't necessarily mean a full custody/parenting time plan -- I mean something basic, like "if I decide to confront my wife, I will make sure that it is during a time when D17 is at her grandparents' house for the week").

This situation didn't get here overnight. Unless I'm missing that there is some critical deadline, pausing, catching your breath, and getting yourself back to a baseline can only help you as you figure out when and how to make these big decisions.

When our anxiety is in the driver's seat, we can often shoot ourselves in the foot as we try to expel that anxiety in actions that can be relieving short term but counterproductive long term.

Not saying that's what's going on -- just my read on it.

That would be my thought -- let this current conflict die down over the next few days. Don't put the cart in front of the horse. How about talking to that lawyer first, before making moves that will likely increase conflict and unpredictability.

This is hard stuff and after 2 decades of it, I get that you're beyond the end of your rope.

[HurtAndTired]

Have considered wearing a body cam at all times, installing interior security cameras in the common areas of your home, and limiting contact with her to only brief and necessary conversations (preferably with a witness)? In most states (32) there is single party consent to recording conversations. This means that you don't need permission to record conversations you are a part of. It is also generally legal to install interior security cameras in the common areas of your own home. Recording everything, even documenting your whereabouts via GPS app on your phone san help disprove false allegations. This strategy would be something to discuss with your lawyer.

You can also potentially file for civil temporary protective orders against her to protect yourself from her threatened false allegations.This would likely involve a restraining order to keep her X feet away from you. Again, something to discuss with your lawyer.

[Brooklyn1974]

Thank you for the advice.  I will be calling a lawyer today. Contacting this guy is not going to do any good.  The marriage is over anyways.  PA is a mandatory arrest.  I will also talk to the local PD as well. 
Your right my anxiety is so high, trying to keep it together here at work with tears in my eyes.  My daughter knows what is going on but will try my best to keep her out of it but with her mom being an alcoholic it turned my daughter into the caregiver role.

If I were to try to put a PFA on her first I know my daughter would probably disown me.  I know this divorce is going to be hell.  I'm a nervous wreck right now.  I'm hoping to talk to my mother-in-law to possibly talk to her so that she can move in with her.  I really don't want to be around her.  I know what she is capable of.

[ForeverDad]

The others have made excellent suggestions.  Do consult with lawyers and hire a capable high conflict family law attorney, especially one who is experienced with DV allegations.

I don't see any way you can go forward without gaining necessary distance from your spouse with a divorce.  Possibly you can file and at the same time ask for a protection order.  If granted, then she would be required to move out.  If she counter files then it would be up to the court to decide who moves out and when.  Your lawyer should guide you with with local legal advice and strategies.

I believe you can separate your shared phone lines and vehicle insurance.  Sometimes the car insurance agencies will separate the accounts for you once you two have separated and the vehicles are garaged separately (a typical contract requirement).

What you cannot do is remove her from your or your employer's health insurance, not until the divorce is final.

Within a year your daughter will be an adult and no court would set custody or parenting schedules on you two as parents, well, maybe in an initial temp order but she would soon age out of even that.  After that she would be free to live where and with whom to reside.  As much as she may be inclined to continue to be a caregiver, well, you can only do so much, soon it will be her life to live and her decision to make.

You are justified to be very concerned about her framing you for mischief.  DV is a very serious matter, no matter which spouse reports it.  However, men are at a default disadvantage, just look at the name of the law... "Violence Against Women Act".  When will there be a Violence Against Men Act?

Definite I agree that you should have some way to record yourself (whether video or voice recordings) for your own safety during this sensitive time leading up to separation.  I recall long ago when I divorced 20 years ago I bought several audio recorders.  I had to because they were primitive digital ones with limited recording capacity.  Today there are many options including cell phones, shirt pocket pen cams, advanced audio recorders, etc.  Have them running anytime you're anywhere around your spouse.  (Do not place any stationary recorders in areas considered private, just common areas where privacy is not expected.)

Some states have more restrictive laws than others about proper notification when recording.  It appears, though, they are oriented more for professionals, not so much everyday people.  I've been here nearly 20 years and I don't recall a challenge resulting in any member going to jail.  However, there were a few times family court did order the parents not to record the children.  Obviously, courts did not want the children drawn into the parents' adult matters.

I was prepared with my defense just-in-case, "I am recording myself to document I'm not the one aggressive, abusive or behaving poorly.  If it happens to catch someone else behaving poorly, oops."

[PeteWitsend]

You should be taking steps to preserve ALL the evidence you have of her infidelity, and share this with your attorney.

By "preserve" I mean make copies of it and store it in whatever media you can, and keep this media out of her reach, both physically and electronically.  So don't store it in any cloud accounts she can access, and maybe even consider getting a safety deposit box for a few months, or rent a storage unit to save it in.

I wouldn't contact anyone else about any of this until you've spoken to an attorney, and probably have hired one and are represented.  Don't "show your hand." 

If the guy she's having an affair with is a politician, it's probably likelier than not he's done this before and his wife knows and doesn't care, and they have some arrangement in place.  She might just deny it all, or clue him in, and now you've got multiple people plotting against you.  Do not assume they share your moral values about this and will take your side. 

[PeteWitsend]

I forgot to add, when I said "ALL" the evidence, I meant to emphasize that you shouldn't feel like if you have say 10 examples of them sexting, you only need to save 9.  Save everything so that if it comes down to a he said / she said dispute over this, you're not trying to explain why you didn't have the 10th email, when they claim that would've shown it was all a joke. 

You don't want them to poke holes in your claims at all, and I know from experience that building a record, reviewing tons of emails and texts, and the like gets exhausting and you may err on the side of saving time, but this is not a instance where that's a good idea.  You don't want to be in a position of having to explain yourself; "Here's all the evidence" is a stronger statement than "Here's some of the evidence"

[Brooklyn1974]

I appreciate all the replies and taking it all into account.  From what I know the cheating; she's been meeting him before work at a park.  Good chance it happen again on Monday.  My daughter right now is additament that 'mom is not cheating' and saying the people who have seen them misunderstood.  She's blaming me for wanting the divorce.  I have other evidence, but I won't even tell her about it.

Since I know, they are probably going to meet up, IMO I feel like I need something for my daughter so she's not being lied to anymore.  Would me or a friend taking pictures of that encounter do any good?  I know, probably not since my wife would be vengeful and get a PFA on me.  She's probably going to get one on me when she gets the papers. 

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.  My priority is my daughter, and she already has major anxiety from past trauma with her mom and now this is happening.   Right now my daughter won't even speak to me.

As for recordings, I talked to an officer yesterday and he told me if you feel things are getting heated or she's going to threaten with calling the cops, tell her you are going to start recording her.  As for the PFA she could easily go to the courthouse and get one.  The officer admitted that he's ran into this situation before many times and it is biased. 

[ForeverDad]

Legally speaking, getting proof of infidelity - or more proof - does not matter in most states.  With the No Fault concept in so many states and the social laxness today, for many it's not a big deal that outside adult relationships can develop.  Many divorce courts don't even want to deal with the topic of infidelity.

Uh oh, don't get me started on mental health issues.  My court studiously ignored my ex's mental health obstructions and conflict.  Lawyers will say courts prefer to assume the long term conflict is just bickering and emotionalism over the separation and divorce, that it would fade in time.  Well, that's if only we were dealing with reasonably normal spouses.  When BPD traits are involved...

Rather than seeking to prove infidelity or whatever to your teen daughter, why not encourage her to start counseling to address the conflict in her family life?  (If you don't have a counselor yet, that is good advice for you too!)  Her mother may oppose it but soon she'll be an adult and mother can't block it.

[kells76]

Rather than seeking to prove infidelity or whatever to your teen daughter, why not encourage her to start counseling to address the conflict in her family life?  (If you don't have a counselor yet, that is good advice for you too!) 

That's a great idea 

Kids sometimes don't feel relief when faced with proof of a parent's wrongdoing -- it can be frightening, and more than they can handle, developmentally... even for teens. There can be unexpected reactions. Even in our case, where the kids wanted to be on the call I made to CPS, it was still difficult for both of them afterwards, and our youngest (now 17, 16 at the time) immediately took Mom's side again afterwards (at least verbally and overtly)

In a neutral space with a professional, though, kids may be more able to process what they can't handle seeing or hearing from either parent.

Does your D17 talk with the school counselor at all?

I wonder, too, if you can set up "family counseling" to help you and D17 through the divorce transition. If both of you feel good about the counselor, then over time, that may become a place where you can, with the counselor's guidance, share more with D17 about what was going on behind the scenes.

I'd really slow down the anxious urge to "prove" to D17 about which parent is doing what. It can backfire because it can inadvertently communicate to her that neither parent wants to listen to her.

Listen to her... a lot... first. Build/rebuild that trust... help her feel like she can tell you more, and you won't be reactive/judgmental, and you don't have any agenda besides listening to and loving her. Down the road, you may be able to make a big withdrawal on that trust bank... but I'm thinking that right now, when conflict is high and about to get higher, might not be the time.

(I've had to practice nonreactive listening a lot -- which helped me when SD17 tattoed herself last year. Let's just say that isn't in any of the parenting books )

[Brooklyn1974]

I've asked my daughter if she would like counseling and she said no.  She believes that mom is right and nothing is going on.  What is so hurtful, and frustrating is that I know they met up again today and there was nothing I could do to help my daughter through this.  Of course I did not tell my daughter. 

The wife and I have been through multiple MCs over the years, two of which dropped her because of her BPD.  It was the psychiatrist that proved so helpful yet that's when the wife quit.

I meet with the lawyer Thursday.  From previous meeting with a lawyer years ago he said the cheapest and quickest way is to draw up a settlement and as long as she signs its binding.  She absolutely refuses to.  I just feel like I'm stuck in this nightmare.  I refuse to look back at the 'good days'.  I'm not going there.  I can't.  I've lost quite a bit of weight since last week, just no appetite. 

Being an empath and knowing everything I hoped for her and tried to help her was for nothing, it hurts.  Not having my daughter there at the house all the time is really going to hit me so hard, knowing she is struggling and the eventual feeling of trust being destroyed.

Thank you for the advice about listening to my daughter.  As a Dad you tend to give advice and it's just hard seeing my little girl hurt.

Any advice on how to get my wife out of the house?  When she is there the stress and all that negative energy is there. 

[ForeverDad]

Most here report that MC - marriage counseling - seldom succeeds when BPD traits are involved.  Most courts start off by ordering mediation but that too usually fails because at the start of a divorce a BPD spouse is simply too entitled to sincerely negotiate.  Strangely, though, most of our divorces do eventually end in settlement, typically just before a major hearing or trial.  (Mine was on the court house steps as I entered the court on Trial Day.)

Likely your daughter will do whatever she will do, though you can continue talking reasonably with her.

My advice for the moment is to listen to the legal advice you receive from your (hopefully experienced) lawyer and the peer support you have found here.  We have a large store of collective experience and communication skills.  We've "been there, experienced that".

Most importantly, once you have decided divorce is the only alternative... stop sharing all information with your spouse, possibly your daughter too since her loyalty is compromised.  Parenting information and other appropriate matters such as financial bills, etc, are okay.  What you do NOT share are your legal advice and legal strategies.  Sharing those things could end up empowering your spouse to sabotage you during the divorce.

[Brooklyn1974]

Thinking of giving my daughter a letter.  I'm sure she will show her mom.  Would something like this backfire on me?  Here's what I wrote:

Dear B,

I want to start this letter by saying how much I love you. That will never change, no matter what happens between your mom and me. You are my daughter — and I am so proud of the person you are becoming.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I know things feel confusing, heavy, and maybe even painful right now. I also know that you’ve been hearing things that probably make it hard to know who to trust or how to feel. That’s okay. You’re allowed to feel conflicted, upset, or unsure.

There are some things going on between your mom and me that have changed our course, my number one priority has always been about loving and protecting you. I want you to know that I will always be honest with you.

Your mom and I have had struggles for a long time. Some of those have been very painful. I won’t speak badly about her, but I will say that I’ve felt deeply hurt and betrayed. That pain doesn’t just affect me — it affects our family, including you. And I know you’ve felt that.  You have the biggest heart of anyone that I know and the last thing I want is for you to be hurt.

I’m not perfect. I know I’ve made mistakes too. But I want you to know that I’m trying to handle this situation with as much honesty and calm as I can — for your sake and for mine. I’m going to be making some hard decisions, it’s not something I wanted, but I believe it’s the healthiest path for everyone now. 

You don’t have to pick sides. You don’t have to fix anything. What I do ask is that you keep an open heart and remember that I am always here for you — no matter what anyone else says or what happens between your mom and me. You are not the reason for any of this.

You’re smart, and I believe in your ability to see things clearly as time goes on. If you ever want to talk — no pressure, no lectures, just talk — I will always be ready to listen.  I will always be here for you.

With all my love,
Dad

[Brooklyn1974]

Spoke to a lawyer yesterday. He won't even take my case.  He said in the 40 years he's been doing this that people like her who still live in the house, is too much for him.  He told me the #1 priority is to get her out of the house.  He warned me about a PFA that don't ever be alone in a room with her and always record any communication.  He said that he had a case where the woman lied and went to the courthouse for a PFA and said her husband whispered in her ear that he was going to 'do her in', even though he would never do such a thing and wanted the divorce and her out.  She was granted a full year.

That scares me so much.  He told me (as did the police officer I talked to last week) that the courts have become so biased.  That the PFA was meant as a shield for someone getting abused, but it has turned into a sword and used with false accusations.  I know she is very capable of this. 

He also told me that I could move out (still pay the mortgage) but when she fails to pay the utilities that I can contact the courts and they will have her removed (no way I am moving and that doesn't make full sense to me). 

I did create my own settlement which he looked at and said it was good and legal.  She will basically give away any rights to the house and property (my name is the only one on it, but I know she is entitled to half the increase of value of the house).  She's used my credit cards for her own purposes which would be then forgiven.  There's more to it but that would be my best bet. 

He told me if I am able to get her out of the house to file right away, as well if I was lucky enough for her to sign my settlement. 

I am contacting another lawyer today.  I feel hopeless.  He scared the hell out of me with the PFA and how easy and damaging it could be.  Could someone really be thrown out of their house from 1-3 years just because of a false accusation?

She continues to cheat, I brought that issue up with a 'at-fault' divorce.  He said that all that does is move it through the courts faster and has nothing to do with distribution of property.  He did say that since you two did not have intimate relations in years that the year long separation the state requires (PA) will not be in effect.  He also said she could lie about that as well.

I'm in fear.  I'm depressed.  All I want is peace.   

[kells76]

It's very common to interview more than one L -- not all L's have the same strengths or areas of interest. While your situation may be out of his wheelhouse, that doesn't mean "no lawyer can help me" (catastrophizing).

You're in the driver's seat here. You've gotten some "straight talk" info and now you can compare it to what other L's say to see -- who has a winning strategy that can help you right now.

Ultimately, it's a good thing that he declined your case, because you don't want a L who isn't 100% on board with helping you achieve what you need. Lawyers may be experts in law but they work for you -- you are the boss and they are your employee. Of course, you don't just want a yes-man who takes your money and doesn't deliver...  but it's perfectly fair to interview around and only work with someone who can, and wants to, work for you.

While challenging, your situation is not impossible, and it is likely that as you continue through the interview process, you will find a better fit. It was the same way for us -- the first L we talked to, while supportive, was very clear that our needs were beyond him. It was obvious as soon as we talked to the second L that he was a much better fit with more experience in our area. If we'd only talked to the first L, we would also have felt hopeless.

Fill us in on what the second L says today, would love to hear an update if you can.

[ForeverDad]

Ultimately, it's a good thing that he declined your case, because you don't want a L who isn't 100% on board with helping you achieve what you need. Lawyers may be experts in law but they work for you -- you are the boss and they are your employee. Of course, you don't just want a yes-man who takes your money and doesn't deliver...  but it's perfectly fair to interview around and only work with someone who can, and wants to, work for you.

Even if the first lawyer said your case is beyond his expertise (comfort zone?) you can always ask, "If not you, then which lawyers would be a better fit for my case?"  Lawyers know that they won't always get a client when a person walks in for an interview or consultation.

Few divorces go as well as was originally hoped, especially not our sort of high conflict BPD traits cases.  It's a matter of sticking through the rough parts and making a "less bad" outcome the priority.

Are your finances able to handle the cost of a nearby vacation getaway for a month or so?  (Not too far so you can continue working without distance being an issue.)  On the surface you can maintain that you're not "moving out", as she might claim if you rented an apartment.  Once you are safely away, then you can file and include her moving out.  Then if she files for a PFA you can contest it, saying she didn't file for one until you were apart and had filed.  Then at most it should be a "he said, she said" situation and viewed as hearsay.

What would proactively help in your defense is if you had recordings of her ranting and raging as you and you not raging back.  While the court might side with her anyway based on her gender (no thanks to the Violence Against Women Act - what about men who are victims?) it would be hard for her to successfully claim she was an "aggressive victim".

I did record myself in the latter months before separation and continued during my divorce.  I used digital voice recorders since cell phones a couple decades ago couldn't record.  No one contested me for recording but I was prepared to state, "I quietly recorded myself to document I was not the one behaving aggressively.  If others were, well, oops."

[ForeverDad]

I did create my own settlement which he looked at and said it was good and legal.  She will basically give away any rights to the house and property (my name is the only one on it, but I know she is entitled to half the increase of value of the house).  She's used my credit cards for her own purposes which would be then forgiven.  There's more to it but that would be my best bet. 

He told me if I am able to get her out of the house to file right away, as well if I was lucky enough for her to sign my settlement.

Beware of your good intentions that might inadvertently sabotage you.  We here are all very cooperative, sharing and up front with others.  We are not just fair but super-fair.  That otherwise excellent quality can sabotage us in these separation scenarios.  For example, you are probably inclined to share what you're planning with legal strategies and options.  Bad idea since a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) will take that information and try to sabotage you.  BPD perceptions are oriented on self interests, not everyone's interests.  So only share what is legally required.  Even the fact that you're researching lawyers should remain private and confidential as long as possible.

Also, if you've composed a fair settlement offer, a pwBPD is often so entitled early in a case that it will certainly be perceived as hugely unfair and naturally demand far more.  Why not keep a few negotiation cards up your sleeve, so to speak, some items that you'd trade or add to the deal yet not be much of a concern for you?

For example, having the agreement state you'll pay off her charges is too open ended.  What if that gives her the idea to go on a last chance shopping binge?  Probably best to have a date stated so she isn't tempted to drain your joint accounts or credit.  (That said, probably best not to have much money sitting in joint accounts since you both would have equal access.  You wouldn't think of draining them, but the disordered spouse wouldn't even pause.)